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Jokes - Page 10

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Thread: Jokes

  1. #91
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    Apr 2012
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    Default Re: Jokes

    There was a clown who found himself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the clown wanting him to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered the clown 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the clown could not answer one of his questions, the clown owed him $5, but every time the lawyer could not answer the clown’s question, he’d give the clown $50.00.
    The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the clown reluctantly accepted.


    The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
    Without saying a word the clown handed him $5.
    Then the clown asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”


    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the clown $50.00.
    The clown put the $50 into his pocket without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”


    Without saying a word, the clown handed the lawyer $5.

  2. #92
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    Default Re: Jokes

    A clown has just gotten a new sports car. While out driving he accidentally cuts out in front of a big truck, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.
    The driver is a huge, mean bully. He gets out and draws a circle and tells the clown to stand in it.
    Then he gets out his knife, goes to the clown's car and cuts up the beautiful leather seats.
    He turns around and sees the clown smiling.
    So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting the clown’s windows and beating his car.
    He looks back to see that the clown is now laughing.
    He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slashes the clown’s tires.
    He turns around and the clown’s laughing so hard, he’s about to fall down.
    The bully demands, “What’s so funny?”
    The clown says,

    “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

  3. #93
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Gibsonton, FL
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    197

    Default Re: Jokes

    Posted these as a contest entry in the Stephen King Trivia contest here: http://www.stephenking.com/forums/gr...=84&do=discuss, but since they're jokes, albeit cheesy jokes of the processed variety, I thought I'd post them here for your viewing pleasure (or horror):

    1. Knock knock. Who's there? Roont. Roont who? ROONT my favorite first edition of The Gunslinger.

    2. Knock knock. Who's there? Ka. Ka who? KA me on my cell if you ever feel like unlocking the door.

    3. Knock knock. Who's there? Carrie. Carrie who? CARRIE my box of tampons, will ya? I'm gonna need 'em in the shower.

    4. Knock knock. Who's there? Dela. Dela who? DELAware is famous for...uh, famous for...umm... Hell, it must be famous for something.

    5. Knock knock. Who's there? Ka-mai. Ka-mai who? KA-MAI psychiatrist! I think I'm Detta Walker.

    6. Knock knock. Who's there? Dinh. Dinh who? DINHuh's gonna be at the Dixie Pig tonight.

    7. Knock knock. Who's there? Prim. Prim who? PRIM and proper - two words to describe Odetta Holmes.

    8. Knock knock. Who's there? Howken. Howken who? HOWKEN Sai King keep us waiting until 2013 for another novel?

    9. Knock knock. Who's there? Nineteen. Nineteen who? NINETEENage girls spells trouble. M-O-O-N...that spells trouble.

    10. Knock knock. Who's there? Can-toi. Can-toi who? CAN-TOI cymbal-playing monkeys really become possessed?

    11. Knock knock. Who's there? Trig. Trig who? TRIGonometry was not one of Tom Cullen's strong subjects in school.

    12. *Knock knock. Who's there? Gunna. Gunna who? GUNNA find that unfound door somehow.

    13. Knock knock. Who's there? Gan. Gan who? GAN you get me a tissue? I hab a cold.

    14. Knock knock. Who's there? Thinnies. Thinnies who? THINNIES are better than fat knees.

    15. Knock knock. Who's there? Todash. Todash who? TODASH into an ocean of lobstrosities is beyond insane.

    16. Knock knock. Who's there? Captain Trips. Captain Trips who? CAPTAIN TRIPS over something and breaks a vial containing the world's deadliest virus.

    17. Knock knock. Who's there? Rose Madder. Rose Madder who? ROSE MADDER'n hell that she finished The Wind through the Keyhole so fast. Now she's gotta wait until 2013.

    18. Knock knock. Who's there? Duma Key. Duma Key who? DUMA KEY fit into the lock to save Jake?

    19. Knock knock. Who's there? Cockadoodie. Cockadoodie who? COCKADOODIEDOO is the only thing my dumb rooster can say.

  4. #94
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    Apr 2012
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    Oxfordshire, UK
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    Default Re: Jokes

    There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
    The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."
    So God made him 100 times smarter.


    The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
    So God made him 1000 times smarter.


    The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."


    So God made him a woman.

    Beep-Beep

  5. #95
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Ellabell, Georgia
    Posts
    18

    Default Re: Jokes

    there are these three guys in the woods, and they get cought by a tribe of head hunters.
    the head hunters take the guys to their chief. the chief says

    "I'll let you go if you each go in the woods and bring me back something to eat."
    so they go, and the first guy brings back grapes, the chief says

    "I'll let you go if you put each one of those up you're butt."

    so he does it and goes. the next guy comes with nuts. the chief tells him to do the same thing. well, each time he would do it he would start laughing. the chief gets tired of it and asks,

    "whats so funny?"

    the guy replies, "my buddies out there picking pineapples!"

  6. #96
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    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Forest Gump had a near-death experience that changed him forever. He went horseback riding one day and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness ........ a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out and pulled the plug!

  7. #97
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    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of Earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.


    The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle."
    Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.


    The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an owl."
    Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.


    The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Oh sh*t ..."

  8. #98
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    Mar 2010
    Location
    Barre, VT
    Posts
    586

    Default Re: Jokes

    A physicist was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked "Do you know how fast you were going?" The physicist replied "No, but I know where I am". For you quantum mechanics out there......

  9. #99
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    32

    Default Re: Jokes

    Knock knock!Who's there?Madame.Madame who?Madame foot's caught in the door!

  10. #100
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    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
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    Default Re: Jokes

    An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
    Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

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