Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour the mselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.
Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often. ”
Jim repies "Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No…. . ”
“Well, DON’T," say's Jim "because I’m in PHOENIX!!!”
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is set to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later when they get to the camp site they find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled her hands away from my eyes and found she was wearing just a see through nightie. She took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was lit by two dozen candles and rose petals had been strewn all over the bed, which had been fitted with handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did, then she said "Now do what ever you want."
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas, leading an old, tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing, immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass long and slow like you really mean it?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir ... but ... I've always wanted to."
...a blind man walks into a local grocery with his guide dog...they amble to the center of the store-whereupon the man begins to swing the dog around his head by the leash...the shocked manager scurries over and in an alarmed voice says-"Sir, can I help you?!"...and the blind man replies....."No thanks. I'm just lookin' around.".....