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Jokes - Page 15

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Thread: Jokes

  1. #141
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
    She takes the gun and puts it to her own head.
    The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
    The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

  2. #142
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    BEST DOG STORY EVER!

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
    An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

    The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

    Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

    The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

  3. #143
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT
    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
    But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
    "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

  4. #144
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    wyoming
    Posts
    2,207

    Default Re: Jokes

    Thank you, kingzeppelin!

  5. #145
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    4,030

    Default Re: Jokes

    So, last week I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I ended up in intensive care because I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

  6. #146
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    Rodney Dangerfield

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

    I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

    In high school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

  7. #147
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    What do you call a donkey with one leg?
    A wonky donkey


    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
    A winky wonky donkey


    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
    A bonky winky wonky donkey


    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
    A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey


    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
    A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey


    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
    A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey


    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
    Talented !!!!

  8. #148
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    The woods are lovely dark and deep
    Posts
    6,248

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by kingzeppelin View Post
    BEST DOG STORY EVER!

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
    An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

    The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

    Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

    The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

  9. #149
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    The woods are lovely dark and deep
    Posts
    6,248

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Sundrop View Post
    So, last week I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I ended up in intensive care because I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

  10. #150
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    ONLY IN BRITAIN?


    Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    Do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
    Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
    Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
    Do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
    Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
    Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

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