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Thread: Jokes

  1. #171
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    Apr 2012
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    Default Re: Jokes

    STRONGEST MAN


    The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing 1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
    Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
    Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"


    "No" the man replied, "I work for Inland Revenue."

  2. #172
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
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    The woods are lovely dark and deep
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    Default Re: Jokes

    A paraprosdokian* is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these.


    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

    *Not a real word.

  3. #173
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
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    Default Re: Jokes

    'S more:

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  4. #174
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Living with the Wolf Man

    The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
    "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
    "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
    "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that OK with you?
    Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
    At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

    Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
    (P.M.T.= Pre-Moonstrual Tension)

  5. #175
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    My teenage niece said, "Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?", and walked away.

    Anybody heard that one, anybody know the punchline? I'm dying here.

  6. #176
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Maine
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    Default Re: Jokes



  7. #177
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    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
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    Default Re: Jokes

    You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one....


    A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, put the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
    The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
    The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
    The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
    The cabdriver hit a parked car...

  8. #178
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    Jul 2006
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
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    Default Re: Jokes



  9. #179
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    May 2012
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    Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
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    Default Re: Jokes

    I got it and I'm Canadian (but my Mom was Scottish) Och aye

    (in reply to the comment about Brits only getting the joke) I forgot to reply "with quote"

  10. #180
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
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    3,331

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by champ1966 View Post
    Attachment 15451

    Do it,you'll be surprised
    I did it - it means "not in a straight or level position e.g. the door was askew" - let me guess - I'm missing something here? (of course I used Google.ca - does that make a difference?)

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