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Thread: Jokes

  1. #191
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
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    Default Re: Jokes

    How about some political humor. First Romney:

    "Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

    "A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

    "Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno
    And now The Prez:

    "On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub." –Jimmy Kimmel

    "Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien

    "President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November." –Jay Leno

  2. #192
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by blunthead View Post
    My teenage niece said, "Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?", and walked away.

    Anybody heard that one, anybody know the punchline? I'm dying here.
    Is there an answer for this one?

  3. #193
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
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    U.S.A.
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    823

    Default Re: Jokes

    Lol! That's great. Well, she did walk away ... . ;)

  4. #194
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Re: Jokes

    A farmer in Australia's rooster dies,so he looksn in the local newspaper to see if he can find himself a replacement.He sees an advert in there that says "Rooster for sale,will shag anything" sounds promising,he thinks.

    So he phones the guy up and the guy says "you won't find a randier rooster anywhere".So the farmer thinks 'll give it a whirl.

    He goes to pick up the rooster in his Landrover.As he gets back to his farm he's no sooner opened the back door before it's off straight in to the chicken coop.All he can hear is hens making weird noises and see feathers flying everywhere.He goes to take a look and the rooster is off again straight into the duck pond accosting every duck in there,and also 2 swans that happen to be in there as well.

    Once again the rooster is off again,straight down the road.So the farmer thinks "wow now that is the randiest rooster I've ever seen".Jumps in his Landrover and follows its trail,which is easy to do with all the birds in its path flaked out on the road.

    After a few miles he notices a vulture circling in the distance.and as he gets closer he notices the rooster laid in the middle of the road directly below the vulture.He thinks "Oh dear it's shagged itself to death,I don't want the vulture to get it,I'll take it and bury it".

    As he goes to pick the rooster up

    it turns to him and says "go away she's just about to land"

  5. #195
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Neesy View Post
    I did it - it means "not in a straight or level position e.g. the door was askew" - let me guess - I'm missing something here? (of course I used Google.ca - does that make a difference?)
    Not sure if you're being serious, but did you notice how the search results appear on a page that is askew?

  6. #196
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and begins to descend. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing on water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed.
    Announcing that in emergency situations, the aircraft was designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
    Just then a passenger gets out if his seat, runs over and starts to open the door.
    The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".


    "Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

  7. #197
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by nate_watkins View Post
    Not sure if you're being serious, but did you notice how the search results appear on a page that is askew?
    The guys at google are really enjoying themselves of late.Google "completely wrong" and click on "images"

  8. #198
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Re: Jokes

    An old man breaks down at the side of the highway in his classic Model T Ford.A guy in a Porsche pulls up in front of him and offers him a tow.So they hook the Ford up to the Porsche and just before they set off the Porsche driver says "If you think I'm driving too fast just flash your lights and I'll slow down".

    They set off,and only 300 yards down the road a Ferrari cuts up the Porsche.so the Porsche driver gives chase.

    2 cops are sat at the side of the road eating their lunch.One cop turns to the other and says "Did you just see that Porsche and Ferrari racing each other?"

    To which his partner replied

    "I was more impressed with the old boy in the Model T Ford up their arses,flashing them to get out of the way"

  9. #199
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Re: Jokes

    Bloke goes in to a barbers and says "I want my hair cutting like David Beckham's" so the barber starts clipping away>after half an hour he gets his mirror out and shows the guy the result,to which the guy shouts "Thats not how David Beckham has his hair.To which the barber replys

    "It is if he comes in this barber's

  10. #200
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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