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Jokes - Page 21

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Thread: Jokes

  1. #201
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
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    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian?

  2. #202
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    The Great Writer


    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    He now

    works for Microsoft writing error messages.

  3. #203
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
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    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
    Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
    Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
    Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

    After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his Mother and asked,

    "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

  4. #204
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Top Ten Reasons why Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex.


    10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.


    9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.


    8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.


    7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.


    6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.


    5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.


    4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.


    3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.


    2. Less guilt the next morning.


    1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

  5. #205
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Re: Jokes


  6. #206
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    wyoming
    Posts
    2,207

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by champ1966 View Post

  7. #207
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette, a red head and a green haired girl.

    The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown.
    The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

    Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red.
    She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.


    Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green.
    She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says,

    "Its natural, its natural."

  8. #208
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife.

    "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

  9. #209
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    A Captain on his ship is called to the bridge by his No 2 telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

    The Captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

    The No 2 runs without question to get the Captains red coat, and prepares for battle.
    After their victory the No 2 asks the Captain why he wanted his red coat.

    The Captain tells his No 2 "If I were shot the men would not be able to tell I was bleeding and would keep fighting."
    The No 2 thought this was a courageous notion.

    The next day the No 2 came to the Captain, "Sir! Sir! There are 20 enemy ships on the horizon shall I get your red coat!"

    The Captain was stunned, he turned to his No 2 and said

    "No, bring me my brown trousers!"

  10. #210
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and

    I think I just wet my pants.

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