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Thread: Jokes

  1. #271
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Better than a Flu Shot!

    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
    She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
    One afternoon the Pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
    She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
    The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
    The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

    'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

    'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
    I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
    The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

  2. #272
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Under The Keg
    Posts
    3,175

    Default Re: Jokes

    A 90-year-old man goes for a physical.
    All of his tests come back with normal results.

    The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

    George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

    "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.


    A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing

    fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"


    "Oh, sweet Jesus", exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

  3. #273
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Punography.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    I used to be a Banker, but then I lost interest.

    All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

    Earthquake in Washington obviously Government's fault.

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

  4. #274
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Gentle Thoughts for Today

    Birds of a feather flock together . .and then **** on your car.

    A penny saved is a Government oversight.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement ..

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
    I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
    Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . AMEN!

  5. #275
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up North. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

    Along comes the Sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

    "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

    "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

    "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

    "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

    "I didn't even touch you," grouses the Sheriff.

    "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

  6. #276
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    The Government once owned a large scrap-yard in the middle of nowhere.

    The Government said, ` Someone might steal from it at night `. So they created a Night Security Guard position and hired a person for the job.

    Then the Government said , ` How does the Security Guard carry out his job without instruction `? So they created a Planning Department and hired two people, - one to write the instructions , and one to carry out time studies.

    Then the Government said ,`How will we know if the Night Security Guard is doing his job properly ? So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people , - one to do the studies and the other to write the reports.

    Then the Government said ,` How are these people going to get paid `? So they created positions for a Timekeeper and a Payroll Officer , then hired two people.

    Then the Government said , `Who will be accountable for all these people `? So they created an Administrative Section and hired three people , an Administrative Officer , an Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary.

    Then the Government said , `We have had this Command in operation for one year and we are twenty thousand dollars over budget . We must cut back on the overall cost`.
    So...... they laid off the Night Security Guard!

  7. #277
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Oxfordshire, UK
    Posts
    1,286

    Default Re: Jokes

    Computer Viruses.
    Here are some to watch out for.

    LEWINSKY VIRUS......................Sucks all the Memory out of your Computer...then E-Mails everyone about what it did.

    RONALD REAGAN VIRUS..............Saves your Data, but forgets where it is stored.

    MIKE TYSON VIRUS...................Quits after two Bytes.

    OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS..............Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

    DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS...... ..Deletes all Old Files.

    ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS........... .Disks can no longer be inserted.

    DISNEY VIRUS...........................Everything in your Computer goes Goofy.

    PROZAC VIRUS..........................Screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care.

    JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS...........Only attacks Minor Files.

    ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus..Terminates some Files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

    LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS................Re-Formats your Hard drive into a 3.5 inch Floppy, then Discards it through Windows.

    VIAGRA VIRUS...........................Makes a new Hard Drive out of an old Floppy.

    CLINTON VIRUS.........................Gives you a 6 inch Hard Drive with NO Memory.

  8. #278
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    120 miles S of the Waffle/Pancake line in pancake territory
    Posts
    2,805

    Default Re: Jokes

    How about some Rodney jokes:

    I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

    Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

    I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

    When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

    My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

    When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

    "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

    My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

  9. #279
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Re: Jokes

    A heavily pregnant with twins woman gets knocked over by a car and is rushed in to hospital

    Two days later she comes round,and the first thing she asks is "How are my babies?"

    To which the nurse replies "They're fine we removed them by cesarean section and are doing well.Because you were out so long your brother named them for you"

    The lady replied "OUR SCOTT!!! Oh dear he hasn't got a clue.What stupid names has he given them?"

    Nurse :- "He named your little girl Denise"

    Woman :- "That's nice I like that name,what about the boy?"

    Nurse :- "

    Denephew"

  10. #280
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Parked.
    Posts
    6,093

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by champ1966 View Post
    A heavily pregnant with twins woman gets knocked over by a car and is rushed in to hospital

    Two days later she comes round,and the first thing she asks is "How are my babies?"

    To which the nurse replies "They're fine we removed them by cesarean section and are doing well.Because you were out so long your brother named them for you"

    The lady replied "OUR SCOTT!!! Oh dear he hasn't got a clue.What stupid names has he given them?"

    Nurse :- "He named your little girl Denise"

    Woman :- "That's nice I like that name,what about the boy?"

    Nurse :- "

    Denephew"
    I had to say it out loud . . .and then I got it!


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