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Jokes - Page 29

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Thread: Jokes

  1. #281
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
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    Parked.
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    Default Re: Jokes


  2. #282
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Kentucky
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    Default Re: Jokes

    A blonde goes down to city hall to register to vote.
    The clerk asks "When's your birthday?"
    She says "June 10."
    "What year?" The clerk asks.
    The blonde says "Every year."

  3. #283
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Kentucky
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    241

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    A man goes to see his dentist. He says "Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stand this pain anymore."
    The dentist examines the man. "You've got a rotten tooth. It has to come out." He says.
    "Do whatever you gotta do. Just make the pain stop." The man says.
    The dentist brings out the needle to inject the man with novacaine.
    The man says "I can't stand needles, doc. Have you got something else?"
    The dentist says "I can give you nitrous oxide."
    The man says "No good, doc. I'm allergic to it."
    The dentist hands the man two viagra.
    "Will these kill the pain?" The man asks.
    "No." The dentist says. "But they'll give you something to hold on to while I pull that tooth out."

  4. #284
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
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    Kentucky
    Posts
    241

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    What did Rhett Butler say to Scarlett O'Hara when she asked him to bring a ham to the county fair?

    "Franks, my dear, I won't give a ham."

  5. #285
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    In a bar the other night, overheard three hefty ladies talking. They sounded Scottish. I asked them, "Hello. Are you ladies from Scotland?".

    "It's Wales, you bloody ingrate!", one of them answered.

    "I'm sorry," I replied, "Are you whales from Scotland?".

  6. #286
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    30

    Default Re: Jokes

    Here`s one I heard years ago which really made me laugh. A man walks into a pet shop & asks for 2 dozen cockroaches. The assistant says, we dont keep cockroaches, what do you want them for anyway? Well, says the man, I`m moving out of my flat on Friday, & the landlord told me to leave the place as I found it!

  7. #287
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Under The Keg
    Posts
    3,175

    Default Re: Jokes

    A Mother's Story:


    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been re...scheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

    So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
    I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

    I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

    She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

    Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

  8. #288
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    i'm in the jailhouse now!
    Posts
    870

    Default Re: Jokes

    How common is that? There was this once I went to do a window estimate and the lady had glitter around her face. I can't remember if it was on her lips or maybe around the eyes...but I'd never seen anything like that before. Kinda hard not to look hard at it. Ended up getting the job, replacing a few windows...no glitter then.

  9. #289
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."

    The husband thought about it, then said, "Ship her home."

    Surprised, the undertaker said, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here for only $150?".

    The husband answered, "Long ago a man died and was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."

  10. #290
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    The Loving Husband

    A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
    As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..
    "No", he says, "the seat is empty."
    "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"
    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been together since we got married."
    "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
    The man shakes his head... ...."No. They're all at the funeral."

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