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Thread: Jokes

  1. #31
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    Default Re: Jokes

    A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He opened it and a genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish, but only one."

    The man thought for a minute, and said, "I want to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

    After a few minutes the genie said, "No, I don't think I can do that, think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement needed. No, that is too much to ask."

    The man considered, then said, "There is one other thing. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

    The genie said, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

  2. #32
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
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    4,805

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by champ1966 View Post
    (only Brits will get this one)

    Geordies have been leaving the cinema disappointed to find that War Horse wasn't about THEIR horse
    Why aye man, canny funny but ah divent knar what ya gannin on aboot like!


    I'm not a Geordie, but I am a Mackem which is just doon the road.

  3. #33
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
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    Southern Wisconsin
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    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by CCAL View Post
    91rewoT-did you make that up just for me??? hahahahaaa. (yup Cindy IS my name-ha) and skmb is where I usyually am when not on skc/fb lol....ok now I'll let MYSELF out now...
    Why yes, yes I did! So glad you enjoyed it!

  4. #34
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
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    982

    Default Re: Jokes

    Just got in from work and the first thing I did is rip my girlfriends knickers off


    They were bleeding killing me

  5. #35
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    Dec 2011
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    Wakefield Yorkshire England
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    Default Re: Jokes

    A Stephen King fan walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.The barman says "where did you get that"


    The parrot replys "at SKMB there's hundreds of them on there"

  6. #36
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
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    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    A retired corporate executive decides to take a cruise, has the time of his life until the ship sinks. He finds himself stranded on an island all alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    One day as he lies on the beach the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows to the shore. He says to her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    She answers, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed there when my cruise ship sank."

    "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you", he says.

    "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, where did you get the tools?".

    "Oh, that was no problem," she said, "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing they dock at a small wharf. The man is dumbstruck. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

    "No, no thank you," he says, dazed, "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    She winks and says, "It's not coconut juice. I have a still. Would you like a Pina Colada?"

    Amazed, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After a while the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

    In the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "Amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next to her. Moving close, she says, "We've both been on this island for a long time. You've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do..." She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean...there's a golf course?!".

  7. #37
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    Mar 2008
    Location
    Canada
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    7,335

    Default Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by champ1966 View Post
    A Stephen King fan walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.The barman says "where did you get that"


    The parrot replys "at SKMB there's hundreds of them on there"

  8. #38
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
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    120 miles S of the Waffle/Pancake line in pancake territory
    Posts
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    Default Re: Jokes

    You might be a redneck if:

    You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

    You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

    You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

    You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

    You and your dog use the same tree.

    when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

    You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

    One of your kids was born on a pool table.

    You may be a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

    You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

    You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

    You own a homemade fur coat.

    Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

    Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".

    You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

  9. #39
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
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    Wakefield Yorkshire England
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    Default Re: Jokes


  10. #40
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    Mar 2008
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    The woods are lovely dark and deep
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    Default Re: Jokes

    The following are originally from the winning submissions from a Washington Post neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

    Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
    Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
    Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
    Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
    Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
    Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
    Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
    Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
    Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
    Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
    Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
    Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
    Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
    Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
    Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature:
    Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.


    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

    Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
    Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

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