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Jokes

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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Wakefield Yorkshire England
    Posts
    982

    Default Jokes

    Sometimes it gets a bit stressful on here what with the trolls and the like.So I think its time to lighten the mood for all you guys (over here in England that's a multi gender term )

    Lets tell some jokes

    I'll start the ball rolling with a non offensive old one

    Q how many crime writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A

    Two.one to put it in and the other to give it a little twist at the end


    Boom Boom

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    1,083

    Default Re: Jokes

    If Stephen King started and information technology company, what would he call it?


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Cambridge, Ohio
    Posts
    17,667

    Default Re: Jokes

    Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

    “I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggie.

    “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

    “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

    The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.

    “I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.

    “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

    The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

    “I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.

    “I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.

    “I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.

    “Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”

    The third piggy says, “Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!


    (Apologies to the Geico pig(that should be next to the eggs on my plate))

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Right here.
    Posts
    374

    Default Re: Jokes

    I only have a memory for off color jokes, so they aren't really shareable. They only one I can remember, or repeat in front of my kids that not, is this little gem...

    Two guys are sitting down to breakfast before work, and one opens up the paper and starts reading. After a minute, he turns to the second man, and says "Such a shame. Hey, did you hear about the woman who was killed when a tree fell on her?"

    The second man looks up from his plate and says "Well who the hell puts a tree in the kitchen?"



    And with that, I will show myself out.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Glasgow , Scotland
    Posts
    23

    Default Re: Jokes

    I have the same problem not many clean jokes sorry

    An Englishman , an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
    The barman takes one look at them and says
    " what is this some kind of a joke !!! "

    What's brown and sticky ?

    A stick


    I too will now show myself the door

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    4,805

    Default Re: Jokes

    Yay, you've just supplied me with a new profile picture...I'm loving IT!

    Quote Originally Posted by Dav13Bh07 View Post
    I have the same problem not many clean jokes sorry

    An Englishman , an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
    The barman takes one look at them and says
    " what is this some kind of a joke !!! "
    No matter what, these type of jokes will always be my favourite. Maybe it's a UK thing?

    Congrats on your 10th post David, you are now free to explore the big bad world of the social groups!

    Beware...there's no "moderation" in there.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    An oldie but a goodie which I've posted before (thankee Mod )

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    7,335

    Default Re: Jokes

    A woman walks into s store.

    - Hello, I would like to buy a nice hat.
    - What specifically are you thinking of ?
    - Sex. But right now I wan`t to buy a hat.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Atlanta GA
    Posts
    10,280

    Default Re: Jokes

    A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, says, "Doc, ya gotta help me! Nobody will talk to me!".

    The doctor says, "Next".

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Right here.
    Posts
    374

    Default Re: Jokes

    What do you call a bear with no teeth?


    A gummy bear!


    Ah, kid friendly jokes are coming back to me now...

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