Can't accept someone's choice of mate?

[fushingfeef]

Today is my sister's birthday, but unfortunately I will not be seeing her. I still love her dearly but she has a history of poor decisions, and is married to an A-1 scumbag. This guy is a criminal, a sex offender, not someone I want around my kids or in my house. Unfortunately my sister kept this fact from anyone in the family just long enough to marry the guy, and then someone outside the family tipped us off to this guy's past.

I was very hurt because I also found out that my sister knew about this guy's past and had not told us about it. She had brought him into my house and I feel so betrayed. After this all blew up I stopped talking to my sister. Like I said, she had a history of bad decisions, and this was the final straw.

But today is her birthday and I really do miss my sister. I still have fond memories of her. It has been over 5 years now. But I just can't accept her choice of mate. She had made it clear she's going to "stand by her man" but I refuse to put my kids at risk around this guy. I am leery about starting up a relationship with my sister because I still feel betrayed about how she handled this.

Any advice?

 

[Spideyman]

Today is my sister's birthday, but unfortunately I will not be seeing her. I still love her dearly but she has a history of poor decisions, and is married to an A-1 scumbag. This guy is a criminal, a sex offender, not someone I want around my kids or in my house. Unfortunately my sister kept this fact from anyone in the family just long enough to marry the guy, and then someone outside the family tipped us off to this guy's past.

I was very hurt because I also found out that my sister knew about this guy's past and had not told us about it. She had brought him into my house and I feel so betrayed. After this all blew up I stopped talking to my sister. Like I said, she had a history of bad decisions, and this was the final straw.

But today is her birthday and I really do miss my sister. I still have fond memories of her. It has been over 5 years now. But I just can't accept her choice of mate. She had made it clear she's going to "stand by her man" but I refuse to put my kids at risk around this guy. I am leery about starting up a relationship with my sister because I still feel betrayed about how she handled this.

Any advice?

Let me think awhile to find the right words...

 

[king family fan]

No advice. But I certainly understand how you feel. You must put your children and there security first. I have a daughter whom I love but her decisions are very poor.Her choices in mates really has caused pain to our family. I sure hope it all worksout. Sending hugs to you and your family.

 

[arista]

No advice just hugs(((fushingfeef))

 

[Lily Sawyer]

Your relationship is with *her*, not her AND her husband.
Make it clear you want one with her and her alone.

My aunt is very jealous of my mom's relationship with her brother, and has come between them. Unfortunately, my uncle can't get past this and reach out to my mom. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way about my mom, but I think he does. And he lets his spouse dictate to him the closeness of his familial relationships.

Don't let that happen between you and your sister.

 

[Kurben]

So very difficult.... Is it possible to get to see her, just you and her? No kids and no husband involved? In that case you could at least talk to eachother and have a kind of relationship. It would be strained but it would be a relationship. Don't know if it could be possible in your case... was just a thought... ((fushingfeef))

 

[SharonC]

I agree with what Kurben said. If it was me I'd say it was worth a shot.

 

[doowopgirl]

I have a very awkward relationship with my sister myself. All to do with her, not her choice of partner. BUT I do try to keep things on a talkable level. So, maybe as others have suggested try to see her on her own while being honest and keeping things open between yourselves.

 

[MrZetakappa]

sad your story ... I would have a board but you would not ... she is your sister but your kids are before other things, you have to think about the safety of your kids ... maybe with time something can 'change positive ... follow your heart but keep balances thoughts

 

[Haunted]

So very difficult.... Is it possible to get to see her, just you and her? No kids and no husband involved? In that case you could at least talk to eachother and have a kind of relationship. It would be strained but it would be a relationship. Don't know if it could be possible in your case... was just a thought... ((fushingfeef))

Maybe a birthday lunch, just you two. Maybe you can re-kindle the brother sister relationship. She may need you now after 5 years with Prince Charming.

 

[niro]

Say Happy Birthday at least maybe via Email, text message or a birthday card via snail mail.
She is your sister you do not have to have a relationship of any kind with her husband.

 

[Sigmund]

I had the same thought as Haunted. Call your sister and invite her to lunch for her birthday.

Also, no heavy duty discussions-just enjoy the time. Suggest getting together every couple of weeks for lunch. Slowly build up your relationship and get that brother/sister thing going.

As someone mentioned, she might need you more now than ever.

Hugs and well wishes ff.

Peace.

(And stay away from that man.)

 

[blunthead]

I had the same thought as Haunted. Call your sister and invite her to lunch for her birthday.

Also, no heavy duty discussions-just enjoy the time. Suggest getting together every couple of weeks for lunch. Slowly build up your relationship and get that brother/sister thing going.

As someone mentioned, she might need you more now than ever.

Hugs and well wishes ff.

Peace.

(And stay away from that man.)

I think the idea of contacting her privately and exclusively, and explaining your feelings to your sister would be appropriate now. You've needed time to process. Now you are wondering what to do because you and your sister love each other. My safe assumption is that she has missed you, too.

 

[Van Blaricum]

Im glad you know how to draw some boundaries, don't regret that at all.

Like many people have said before, it's a good idea to keep having sister time. You and your sister, girls nights or days, or whichever you prefer. It's important not to throw family members away over choices they make that you wouldn't make and don't approve of, that's why knowing how to have good boundaries is key.

You never know, at some point your sister may ask you for help, or open up to you on her own accord and it's going to be good for you to be there for her for that when and if she needs it, since you do seem to care so much. You seem like a positive influence and she knows you have that position to offer.

It's all about trying to find a balance. Good luck.

 

[not_nadine]

Agree

 

[Spideyman]

There has been some very good advice posted here. FF, you can set the ground rules with your sister. If you desire, her mate will have no part in your life or your families life. However, your sister still can. She has made poor decisions in the past and hurt you be doing so-- but the old saying goes-- the only person you can control is yourself. If you want to have your sister back in your life- set the rules she must follow. Meetings can be in neutral places. The ball will be in her court. You can open the door to her being a part of "your" life, but she'll need to accommodate your rules. She'll need to regain your trust. I hope you can find the peace you desire.

 

[Mr Nobody]

I've had a few hard times with my sis, mostly thanks to poor relationship decisions she's made. They seem to be a thing of the past now, fortunately.
I guess in your place fushingfeef, I'd post her a card wishing her a happy birthday, and telling her I loved her and missed her. Any wrinkles could be ironed out later, and though it's unlikely, there is a chance that the guy could have reformed a little.
In your shoes I'd just hold out the branch, take it slow, and keep my kids well away until I'd had chance to fully assess the situation - which could take years.

 

[Blake]

If he's on the sex offender's list, mail him some perverted stuff under his name and then clandestinely notify the police. Depending on his criminal history, he might do some time. You can also hire a private dick too track him, but the cheaper option is to get your own private detectives licence, manufacture a situation were he loses the plot, and either get him locked up, or with your private detective's license, you will be licensed too carry a gun and you might accidentally shoot him.

 

[Todash]

My guess is that your sister did not tell anyone about her husband's past because she was "in love" and did not want to be judged, which caused her to withhold pertinent information. As you say, this was a continuation of a history of poor judgments in her part, but likely she did not act with any malice.

The wonderful thing about contacting her the way others have suggested is that you can be comfortable in your decision to protect yourself and your family while at the same time demonstrating love for her. Chances are that if she did indeed make a poor decision, five years later she is suffering the consequences; your support might be just what she needs.

 

[MadamMack]

Today is my sister's birthday, but unfortunately I will not be seeing her. I still love her dearly but she has a history of poor decisions, and is married to an A-1 scumbag. This guy is a criminal, a sex offender, not someone I want around my kids or in my house. Unfortunately my sister kept this fact from anyone in the family just long enough to marry the guy, and then someone outside the family tipped us off to this guy's past.

I was very hurt because I also found out that my sister knew about this guy's past and had not told us about it. She had brought him into my house and I feel so betrayed. After this all blew up I stopped talking to my sister. Like I said, she had a history of bad decisions, and this was the final straw.

But today is her birthday and I really do miss my sister. I still have fond memories of her. It has been over 5 years now. But I just can't accept her choice of mate. She had made it clear she's going to "stand by her man" but I refuse to put my kids at risk around this guy. I am leery about starting up a relationship with my sister because I still feel betrayed about how she handled this.

Any advice?

How much do you really love her? A lot right? Then that should out weigh all else.