Can't accept someone's choice of mate?

[fushingfeef]

Thank you all for listening and for the wisdom. This is one of those situations where I really needed the perspective of people who know me, but aren't close to the situation, so you guys are perfect! I'll take some time to digest all this and see what feels right. I think part of me needs to realize that I can't go back in time and have the same relationship I had with my sister in the past, but maybe I can rebuild a new type of relationship with her that works on some level. In the meantime I thank you all for listening and sharing!

 

[Dana Jean]

Today is my sister's birthday, but unfortunately I will not be seeing her. I still love her dearly but she has a history of poor decisions, and is married to an A-1 scumbag. This guy is a criminal, a sex offender, not someone I want around my kids or in my house. Unfortunately my sister kept this fact from anyone in the family just long enough to marry the guy, and then someone outside the family tipped us off to this guy's past.

I was very hurt because I also found out that my sister knew about this guy's past and had not told us about it. She had brought him into my house and I feel so betrayed. After this all blew up I stopped talking to my sister. Like I said, she had a history of bad decisions, and this was the final straw.

But today is her birthday and I really do miss my sister. I still have fond memories of her. It has been over 5 years now. But I just can't accept her choice of mate. She had made it clear she's going to "stand by her man" but I refuse to put my kids at risk around this guy. I am leery about starting up a relationship with my sister because I still feel betrayed about how she handled this.

Any advice?

Are these the relatives that adopted the girls?

 

[Van Blaricum]

If he's on the sex offender's list, mail him some perverted stuff under his name and then clandestinely notify the police. Depending on his criminal history, he might do some time. You can also hire a private dick too track him, but the cheaper option is to get your own private detectives licence, manufacture a situation were he loses the plot, and either get him locked up, or with your private detective's license, you will be licensed too carry a gun and you might accidentally shoot him.

Mr. Cranky, encouraging people to do this kind of vigilante style " justice," i.e. cause stalking or stalking-by-proxy... it's not even a good idea to joke about, despite the distaste for the individual in question.

 

[blunthead]

If he's on the sex offender's list, mail him some perverted stuff under his name and then clandestinely notify the police. Depending on his criminal history, he might do some time. You can also hire a private dick too track him, but the cheaper option is to get your own private detectives licence, manufacture a situation were he loses the plot, and either get him locked up, or with your private detective's license, you will be licensed too carry a gun and you might accidentally shoot him.

 

[champ1966]

One step at a time would be my advice.I've got a sister, and we've had our moments. The longest we didn't talk because of some disagreement was about a year and half. Just get in touch and tell her you love her. DON'T mention her husband at any point, let her bring him in to any conversation you have. It's obviously the sticking point between you two, any confrontation with her about him will just drive a wedge between the pair of you. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

 

[GNTLGNT]

Thank you all for listening and for the wisdom. This is one of those situations where I really needed the perspective of people who know me, but aren't close to the situation, so you guys are perfect! I'll take some time to digest all this and see what feels right. I think part of me needs to realize that I can't go back in time and have the same relationship I had with my sister in the past, but maybe I can rebuild a new type of relationship with her that works on some level. In the meantime I thank you all for listening and sharing!

...wise words Bob...I couldn't forgive/forget her poor choices or offensive/despicable spouse...but all you can do is reach out under conditions you set, and hope that she can see past her pride to meet you halfway...much love and hope for you my friend...

 

[GNTLGNT]

...yeah, that was a special kind of dumb right there...

 

[AnnaMarie]

At the risk of being stoned.......I'm going to say this.

They've been together five years I think you said. During those five years how has their relationship been? How long prior to their marriage were the charges against him?

Sometimes people DO change. For the better even. Obviously, I'm not saying he has, or that he had before your sister got involved with him. But if what he did was far in the past, it might be time to attempt a relationship with your sister, and maybe eventually expand that.

If the sex offender charges were young children, I would never under any circumstances allow my children around him. OTOH, if he was 22, at a party, mistook a promiscuous mature looking 16 year old for legal age....that would still be a sex offender, and not at all the same thing. Kwim?

 

[fushingfeef]

Are these the relatives that adopted the girls?

No, that's another sister...I have a very large family so when I say "my sister" I could be talking about one of eight sisters!

 

[Van Blaricum]

Is " fushing feef " a Stuttering Bill moment?

 

[Sigmund]

Is " fushing feef " a Stuttering Bill moment?

If I'm not mistaken, "fushing feef" is what a big black spider said to Jack in Stephen King's The Talisman.

Somebody, help me here.

Peace.

 

[Van Blaricum]

Yes, I suppose that's not a stutter

 

[Spideyman]

If I'm not mistaken, "fushing feef" is what a big black spider said to Jack in Stephen King's The Talisman.

Somebody, help me here.

Peace.

spot On, Sig.

 

[Dana Jean]

No, that's another sister...I have a very large family so when I say "my sister" I could be talking about one of eight sisters!

oohhhhh.

 

[do1you9love?]

Is " fushing feef " a Stuttering Bill moment?

If I'm not mistaken, "fushing feef" is what a big black spider said to Jack in Stephen King's The Talisman.

Somebody, help me here.

Peace.

Yes, it's the Talisman and yes, the big black spider says that at the end.

Spoiler: but first...

in Oatley, (home of the infamous Oatley Tap) an old man with a shopping cart thinks Jack is trying to steal his stuff and calls him a "fushing feef".

 

[Todash]

One step at a time would be my advice.I've got a sister, and we've had our moments. The longest we didn't talk because of some disagreement was about a year and half. Just get in touch and tell her you love her. DON'T mention her husband at any point, let her bring him in to any conversation you have. It's obviously the sticking point between you two, any confrontation with her about him will just drive a wedge between the pair of you. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

This seems like very sound advice.

Are you feeling okay, champ?

 

[Todash]

At the risk of being stoned.......I'm going to say this.

They've been together five years I think you said. During those five years how has their relationship been? How long prior to their marriage were the charges against him?

Sometimes people DO change. For the better even. Obviously, I'm not saying he has, or that he had before your sister got involved with him. But if what he did was far in the past, it might be time to attempt a relationship with your sister, and maybe eventually expand that.

If the sex offender charges were young children, I would never under any circumstances allow my children around him. OTOH, if he was 22, at a party, mistook a promiscuous mature looking 16 year old for legal age....that would still be a sex offender, and not at all the same thing. Kwim?

I think there is always room for change. What a sad world this would be otherwise.

It's probably worth remembering, when we are tempted to think "people don't change," that there is no crime for which the rate of recidivism is 100%.

 

[50's Kid]

My guess is that your sister did not tell anyone about her husband's past because she was "in love" and did not want to be judged, which caused her to withhold pertinent information. As you say, this was a continuation of a history of poor judgments in her part, but likely she did not act with any malice.

The wonderful thing about contacting her the way others have suggested is that you can be comfortable in your decision to protect yourself and your family while at the same time demonstrating love for her. Chances are that if she did indeed make a poor decision, five years later she is suffering the consequences; your support might be just what she needs.

Yeah, those people can be real charmers, as most abusers are. Think of the Randall Flagg character. I would be extremely careful about having this person anywhere near my family, or in any situation where he could even momentarily gain access to them (on the way to and from school, at family functions, etc.). This is a very dangerous situation. I grew up with people like this, and they all need to go away. Far away. I would keep the lines of communication open, but keep a solid firewall around your family, especially with all of the craziness going on lately. Don't pull any punches. Tell your sister you love her, but any access of this person to your family is verboten; no exceptions. She must have a low opinion of herself, as in the abused woman syndrome.
Tell her you will be there for her, but I honestly do not see a good outcome to this. I hope I am wrong.

 

[champ1966]

This seems like very sound advice.

Are you feeling okay, champ?

I think I'm feeling the effect of Christmas looking. I'll be back to my usual sarcastic,childish self in the New Year.

Thankyou for asking Eve Todashian

 

[champ1966]

If I'm not mistaken, "fushing feef" is what a big black spider said to Jack in Stephen King's The Talisman.

Somebody, help me here.

Peace.

I always felt that bit of The Talisman was SK's nod at Tolkien. It felt very similar to a chapter in The Hobbit, and the way the spider says "fushing feef" is very similar to the way Sméagol accuses Bilbo of stealing the ring.