Can't accept someone's choice of mate?

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hossenpepper

Don't worry. I have a permit!!!
Feb 5, 2010
12,897
32,897
Wonderland Avenue
Today is my sister's birthday, but unfortunately I will not be seeing her. I still love her dearly but she has a history of poor decisions, and is married to an A-1 scumbag. This guy is a criminal, a sex offender, not someone I want around my kids or in my house. Unfortunately my sister kept this fact from anyone in the family just long enough to marry the guy, and then someone outside the family tipped us off to this guy's past.

I was very hurt because I also found out that my sister knew about this guy's past and had not told us about it. She had brought him into my house and I feel so betrayed. After this all blew up I stopped talking to my sister. Like I said, she had a history of bad decisions, and this was the final straw.

But today is her birthday and I really do miss my sister. I still have fond memories of her. It has been over 5 years now. But I just can't accept her choice of mate. She had made it clear she's going to "stand by her man" but I refuse to put my kids at risk around this guy. I am leery about starting up a relationship with my sister because I still feel betrayed about how she handled this.

Any advice?
Just found this thread and haven't read through it, but wanted to reply and say I know exactly how you feel. I haven't spoken to my sister for 6 years now. Same thing. She brought a scumbag into our lives who abused her, threw her out on the street. She called me balling and needing help. The guy even stole her paycheck and left her and her kid with nothing... and she was pregnant with the bastard's baby at the time. So a good friend who, umm, well does favors, took another large friend with him and they paid the guy a visit and got her money and stuff back. Fortunately it didn't take violence. The sight of them was enough. So what does my sister do to repay this good will and help? Moves back in with him a month later. I was done. This is not including the way she treated her first husband who was a a good guy and a friend I went to HS with. Ironically, that guy (the good one) is now married to my wife's sister. I told him if it doesn't work out I have no more sisters to offer.

This is alos not counting the drama she caused in my marriage a couple years before that and the strife she manufactured between my wife and my mom. She has also been addicted to painkillers and Xanax off an on. It's just too much drama for me. We live far away now, so I don't mind her maintaining a long distance relationship with her nieces and nephew, but I don't need her BS in my life. I love her and miss who she used to be, but she isn't that person any more. And as long as she is with that scumbag, she won't be. I think FF, the same may be true for you. Even with family, you just have to have some lines you don't cross.

If she leaves him and stops being dumb I am there for her. Things will never be the same between us though.
 

fushingfeef

Finally Uber!
Aug 14, 2009
10,194
21,965
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Just found this thread and haven't read through it, but wanted to reply and say I know exactly how you feel. I haven't spoken to my sister for 6 years now. Same thing. She brought a scumbag into our lives who abused her, threw her out on the street. She called me balling and needing help. The guy even stole her paycheck and left her and her kid with nothing... and she was pregnant with the bastard's baby at the time. So a good friend who, umm, well does favors, took another large friend with him and they paid the guy a visit and got her money and stuff back. Fortunately it didn't take violence. The sight of them was enough. So what does my sister do to repay this good will and help? Moves back in with him a month later. I was done. This is not including the way she treated her first husband who was a a good guy and a friend I went to HS with. Ironically, that guy (the good one) is now married to my wife's sister. I told him if it doesn't work out I have no more sisters to offer.

This is alos not counting the drama she caused in my marriage a couple years before that and the strife she manufactured between my wife and my mom. She has also been addicted to painkillers and Xanax off an on. It's just too much drama for me. We live far away now, so I don't mind her maintaining a long distance relationship with her nieces and nephew, but I don't need her BS in my life. I love her and miss who she used to be, but she isn't that person any more. And as long as she is with that scumbag, she won't be. I think FF, the same may be true for you. Even with family, you just have to have some lines you don't cross.

If she leaves him and stops being dumb I am there for her. Things will never be the same between us though.
I feel for ya, Hoss. Thanks for sharing, it helps knowing that people can relate to this, although I'm sorry anyone has to go through this kind of stuff. That's families for you, though.
 

not_nadine

Comfortably Roont
Nov 19, 2011
29,655
139,785
Behind you
My sister? Hrrr. We were in a bad car accident on 95 involving a big truck. On the way to our uncles funeral. She told me... They can't detect a back injury. We weren't that hurt, but we were in ER. after.

Sued me and my insurance company. I had to go see her lawyer with her. I was telling him what happened. She kept interrupting with loud voice. She said that I was is socially inept and let me tell the story. Lawyer guy and I just looked at each other and then at her.

He shook his head, said to me, in front of her. Well, you can't pick your family.

Then she was yelling and cursing at me on the street outside.

We were so close growing up. Sad.
 

cat in a bag

Well-Known Member
Aug 28, 2010
12,038
67,827
wyoming
Family problems are tough. We are dealing with a mindboggling situation with some extended family ourselves, right now. So hurtful and stressful. We have chosen (an incredibly difficult choice) to cut off all contact for now. The situation has caused tears, sleepless nights, you name it. But for our peace of mind and for the safety of our kids, it is the best avenue for us to take.

I wish you luck, Fush. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
Family problems are tough. We are dealing with a mindboggling situation with some extended family ourselves, right now. So hurtful and stressful. We have chosen (an incredibly difficult choice) to cut off all contact for now. The situation has caused tears, sleepless nights, you name it. But for our peace of mind and for the safety of our kids, it is the best avenue for us to take.

I wish you luck, Fush. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
(((Cat)))
 

king family fan

Prolific member
Jul 19, 2010
33,133
117,741
south
Family problems are tough. We are dealing with a mindboggling situation with some extended family ourselves, right now. So hurtful and stressful. We have chosen (an incredibly difficult choice) to cut off all contact for now. The situation has caused tears, sleepless nights, you name it. But for our peace of mind and for the safety of our kids, it is the best avenue for us to take.

I wish you luck, Fush. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Thinking of you Cat and hope it all gets better.
 

doowopgirl

very avid fan
Aug 7, 2009
6,946
25,119
65
dublin ireland
Family problems are tough. We are dealing with a mindboggling situation with some extended family ourselves, right now. So hurtful and stressful. We have chosen (an incredibly difficult choice) to cut off all contact for now. The situation has caused tears, sleepless nights, you name it. But for our peace of mind and for the safety of our kids, it is the best avenue for us to take.

I wish you luck, Fush. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope things turn around for you.
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
Family problems are tough. We are dealing with a mindboggling situation with some extended family ourselves, right now. So hurtful and stressful. We have chosen (an incredibly difficult choice) to cut off all contact for now. The situation has caused tears, sleepless nights, you name it. But for our peace of mind and for the safety of our kids, it is the best avenue for us to take.

I wish you luck, Fush. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
(((((FF)))))
(((((Cat)))))