Demeter - Great job! "shook her head like it was fruit-picking day" <<< loved this line. You dialed up the action and we are all waiting on the edge of our seats for the last two chapters! Well done!
COMMENTS FOR HALLOWEEN STORY 2016
- Thread starter Dana Jean
- Start date
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You've all been so very nice and supportive I wanted to thank each and every one of you.
Dana Jean thank you for your guidance. You've run a tight ship and that was good. I can do amazing things when deadlines come knocking. Deadlines imposed by somebody else, that is.
GNTLGNT I hope most of what came out of that flow was good.
king family fan Thank you so much.
Spideyman Glad you liked it. I wanted people to be on the edge reading that part.
Kurben I was inspired by mal. His part of the story sparked an idea and I just took it from there. I was surprised myself, my piece practically wrote itself.
arista Thank you for the nice words. I agree, all writers have done an excellent job. I hold on to my opinion that GNTLGNT should write Wesson's story. I'd be happy to read it.
Mary Strickland I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was such an incredible rush to write it.
Rrty Thank you for the nice words. I should hurry up then, Liam's not getting any younger.
If only I could write like that every day... I do imagine the stories in my head and see them like movies, but not always with a happy ending. I like playing up on emotions. The most important thing for me in a story is the emotional connection with the character and if I have that I'll keep reading even if the story is a bit meh. I haven't watched The Walking Dead but maybe I should. I heard a lot of good things about it. I was a great fan of True Blood and Penny Dreadful, though. Maybe next year we'll write a vampire story. 
Leif Thank you. I never wrote a screenplay but it's nice to think what I wrote could be in that category.
not_nadine I'm glad you were rooting for Wesson. I liked him too, from the start.
Neesy Thank you. Very much appreciated.
Shoesalesman I'm glad I pinched hard enough. Glad you liked it.
FlakeNoir I'm glad you thought so. Action-packed was what I had in mind and it's great I managed to put that into the story.
no bounce no play Thank you, and I agree, mal 's part was great and an inspiration.
do1you9love? That was a silly line but glad you liked it. I wasn't sure if my humor would fit in with the story but hopefully it did.
Dana Jean thank you for your guidance. You've run a tight ship and that was good. I can do amazing things when deadlines come knocking. Deadlines imposed by somebody else, that is.
GNTLGNT I hope most of what came out of that flow was good.
king family fan Thank you so much.
Spideyman Glad you liked it. I wanted people to be on the edge reading that part.
Kurben I was inspired by mal. His part of the story sparked an idea and I just took it from there. I was surprised myself, my piece practically wrote itself.
arista Thank you for the nice words. I agree, all writers have done an excellent job. I hold on to my opinion that GNTLGNT should write Wesson's story. I'd be happy to read it.
Mary Strickland I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was such an incredible rush to write it.
Rrty Thank you for the nice words. I should hurry up then, Liam's not getting any younger.
If only I could write like that every day... I do imagine the stories in my head and see them like movies, but not always with a happy ending. I like playing up on emotions. The most important thing for me in a story is the emotional connection with the character and if I have that I'll keep reading even if the story is a bit meh. I haven't watched The Walking Dead but maybe I should. I heard a lot of good things about it. I was a great fan of True Blood and Penny Dreadful, though. Maybe next year we'll write a vampire story. Leif Thank you. I never wrote a screenplay but it's nice to think what I wrote could be in that category.
not_nadine I'm glad you were rooting for Wesson. I liked him too, from the start.
Neesy Thank you. Very much appreciated.
Shoesalesman I'm glad I pinched hard enough.
Glad you liked it.FlakeNoir I'm glad you thought so. Action-packed was what I had in mind and it's great I managed to put that into the story.
no bounce no play Thank you, and I agree, mal 's part was great and an inspiration.
do1you9love? That was a silly line but glad you liked it. I wasn't sure if my humor would fit in with the story but hopefully it did.
You've all been so very nice and supportive I wanted to thank each and every one of you.
Dana Jean thank you for your guidance. You've run a tight ship and that was good. I can do amazing things when deadlines come knocking. Deadlines imposed by somebody else, that is.
do1you9love? That was a silly line but glad you liked it. I wasn't sure if my humor would fit in with the story but hopefully it did.
You're welcome. I ran a tight ship for you guys. I wanted everyone to be respectful of the group.
And, hey, I put in a rabid squirrel with Chlamydia (yes squirrels can get Chlamydia), so I appreciated your humor!
Thanks Neese, much appreciated...
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Sorry I'm late posting these: Brilliant, sexy writing. Flake, I meant to tell you before about that reference to the book bound in human flesh is an interesting one. There are several historical ties to such a book, even here in the US. I was wondering what inspired you to include it. The level of suspense and action that you packed in to what was, essentially, literary writing made this part especially fun. I love onomatopoeia!
Awesome! I love it!
As she drew away from his poisonous hold, a drop of sweat fell from the tip of her young nose and Wesson followed its progress…. down, down,
…all the way,
...down.
Rachael opened her eyes. She was facing her mother, father and the grisly looking stranger in her parents panic room.
“He'll come after us, Mom! If I know where we are, then he will too… and I can’t keep him out!”
Wesson moved in fast, drew back his arm and then hit her hard in the temple. The kid fell like a brick; her dad put out an arm and caught her just before she hit the ground.
…all the way,
...down.
Rachael opened her eyes. She was facing her mother, father and the grisly looking stranger in her parents panic room.
“He'll come after us, Mom! If I know where we are, then he will too… and I can’t keep him out!”
Wesson moved in fast, drew back his arm and then hit her hard in the temple. The kid fell like a brick; her dad put out an arm and caught her just before she hit the ground.
Mal, I just read your part for the third time and it still gives me chills. I love the way you sneak in little bits of hilarity into a dramatic tale. I guess that's almost dramatic irony. What I found most impressive was the dialogue. That ineterraction gave us some badly needed character development for Tobit. You brought this to a whole new level toward the end though. It's the kind of piece that you want to linger on, just to experience the thrill of discovery - and the chills. Momentum - this was what I was hoping for; a well written, gory, slightly satirical segue.
The gravity of this conversation happening on a couch - this is the kind of thing that makes me smile.
"Hold on, hold on...". Tobit was unbuckling the case and rifling around. He glanced at the paper bag and it looked greasy. Tobit, by a misguided first attempt from his original maker, had no nose, otherwise he would have immediately smelled the rotten stink of zombie oozing out of the bag. He opened up the briefcase and turned to Alf.
"What am I going to find here?"
Alf slumped back on the couch, defeated. "Maps, starcharts, dossiers, you name it...it's all there".
"What's all there?" he grabbed a file marked 'Nebiros' and glanced through it.
"The conclusion and the beginning. Nebiros is behind it all. He'll control all realms!!"
"What do you mean? Tell me. NOW!!!" Tobit's voice boomed like a God of old and Alfie sank even deeper into the couch.
"What am I going to find here?"
Alf slumped back on the couch, defeated. "Maps, starcharts, dossiers, you name it...it's all there".
"What's all there?" he grabbed a file marked 'Nebiros' and glanced through it.
"The conclusion and the beginning. Nebiros is behind it all. He'll control all realms!!"
"What do you mean? Tell me. NOW!!!" Tobit's voice boomed like a God of old and Alfie sank even deeper into the couch.
Demeter: Wow! I had forgotten just how visual this was. Absolutely thrilling; it was a perfect placed too; the momentum started to pick up in the previous chapter, written by Mal, so this was exactly what we needed. It's the kind of scene that you "watch" like a movie. I wonder who would be cast in the movie? The scene evoked emotions other than anxiety and fear, especially toward the end
Thank you for this cliffhanger!
“Mom?” Rachael asked in a small voice. She had begun to stir on Chris’ shoulder. Wesson wondered how the girl hadn’t woken up earlier but was glad she hadn’t.
“I’m here, baby, right here”, said Lucy. “Don’t worry. Sit tight, we’re going to the bunker. You’ll be safe soon.”
NO ONE IS SAFE!, boomed a voice and Chris was so shocked he nearly dropped Rachael. It took him a whole two seconds to realize the voice was coming from his daughter.
“I’m here, baby, right here”, said Lucy. “Don’t worry. Sit tight, we’re going to the bunker. You’ll be safe soon.”
NO ONE IS SAFE!, boomed a voice and Chris was so shocked he nearly dropped Rachael. It took him a whole two seconds to realize the voice was coming from his daughter.
I will not be able to post the story at the usual time in the morning, so, I am posting Kurben's part NOW!!!
Very nice lead-in to our last writer, Kurben. tightening the loose ends, well done!
Very nice lead-in to our last writer, Kurben. tightening the loose ends, well done!
The Necronomicon was a book H.P. Lovecraft made up, although with all the sharing of ideas that went on between the two of them, it could have been Robert Bloch .... later on the book made an appearance in the Evil Dead movie trilogy, which then inspired the song "Dead By Dawn" by Deicide ... which became the ringtone on the cellphone in my part of this story ....
Kurben ... all kinds of awesome, balancing dialogue and description, plot-points and radio that does anything but handstands and beauty that's shown the door .....and there's more ... again, packed into limited space ... excellency ....
Chapter 13 -- believe it or not, I have a slight case of triskaidekaphobia, but not this time around. This penultimate piece worked so well for me as a reader.
I thought the solution of the cell-phone-signal-boost was ingenious. I was trying to figure out how that element was going to be fleshed out, and I had some ideas in my head, but Kurben's choice was better than any of mine. I loved the almost staccato rhythm of the dialogue -- it denoted intense pace to me, and made me feel like I was in the feverish situation. Indeed, as I read this part, a storm in my area decided to increase its strength, and during a couple particular moments, I actually jumped slightly; it made me feel like someone -- like a zombie -- was going to be staring at me through the window! I was quite spooked, and rainstorms usually don't affect me like that -- unless, that is, I am reading something scary. Apocalypses actually do freak me out, as I always feel sympathy for those who are suffering such chaos (that's why it is sometimes difficult for me to watch The Walking Dead). And of course we had the nod to The Stand in there, with the superflu, which likewise brings back memories of that book (that tome had some surprisingly very scary moments in it; and I hate the flu, absolutely hate it).
I like the theory upon which the group is operating, and I cannot wait to see if it turns out to be the correct one. I won't mention anything specific, but I think one character has a lot riding on her in terms of the final outcome vis a vis Nebiros.
The fascinating thing about this chapter -- and I'm sure others noticed this -- is that there were many great lines. Here's probably my favorite pair:
"The bunker was situated in a beautiful forest glade but at the moment no one saw the beauty. When the world was at its dusk and humans struggled to survive, beauty was shown the door."
This is the kind of rough poetry (rough as in dark, scarred, in the literary sense) that works so well in a setting such as this. And it reminds me of a couple of moments in King's short apocalyptic piece, "Summer Thunder." If Kurben's obligation at this point wasn't to favor plot over observation, then one can only imagine the kind of scarred musings to which we would have been treated. But plot it is, and I loved it. Excellent chapter, Kurben.
(One last thing: I can't resist -- here is another line that impressed me: "I might not be grownup but I know more of Nebiros than any of you." I like the confidence in that.)
I thought the solution of the cell-phone-signal-boost was ingenious. I was trying to figure out how that element was going to be fleshed out, and I had some ideas in my head, but Kurben's choice was better than any of mine. I loved the almost staccato rhythm of the dialogue -- it denoted intense pace to me, and made me feel like I was in the feverish situation. Indeed, as I read this part, a storm in my area decided to increase its strength, and during a couple particular moments, I actually jumped slightly; it made me feel like someone -- like a zombie -- was going to be staring at me through the window! I was quite spooked, and rainstorms usually don't affect me like that -- unless, that is, I am reading something scary. Apocalypses actually do freak me out, as I always feel sympathy for those who are suffering such chaos (that's why it is sometimes difficult for me to watch The Walking Dead). And of course we had the nod to The Stand in there, with the superflu, which likewise brings back memories of that book (that tome had some surprisingly very scary moments in it; and I hate the flu, absolutely hate it).
I like the theory upon which the group is operating, and I cannot wait to see if it turns out to be the correct one. I won't mention anything specific, but I think one character has a lot riding on her in terms of the final outcome vis a vis Nebiros.
The fascinating thing about this chapter -- and I'm sure others noticed this -- is that there were many great lines. Here's probably my favorite pair:
"The bunker was situated in a beautiful forest glade but at the moment no one saw the beauty. When the world was at its dusk and humans struggled to survive, beauty was shown the door."
This is the kind of rough poetry (rough as in dark, scarred, in the literary sense) that works so well in a setting such as this. And it reminds me of a couple of moments in King's short apocalyptic piece, "Summer Thunder." If Kurben's obligation at this point wasn't to favor plot over observation, then one can only imagine the kind of scarred musings to which we would have been treated. But plot it is, and I loved it. Excellent chapter, Kurben.
(One last thing: I can't resist -- here is another line that impressed me: "I might not be grownup but I know more of Nebiros than any of you." I like the confidence in that.)
...and he didn't ask how much money we made or what it cost...
That made me laugh!
Too bad some producer wouldn't option this from the group. It is a fun Halloween tale.
I don't think I can follow that up adequately, but it doesn't hurt to try! That little slice of sensory heaven was the part that I wanted to to mention.
Kurben, I enjoyed that moment in the glade. I enjoyed watching the extra features on DVDs, and at some point, I started paying attention to cinematography and camera work.
(One of my former students is a succesful camera guy; I know that he wouldn't have passed English because of his undiagnosed learning disability having to do with organizational skills. He excelled, and he's in the biz)
I looked at this chapter through a lens, analogous to how I watch apocalyptic movies. I have the same kind of Anxiety watching The Walking Dead; the drama is so intense that we need the intimate moments, the monologues, the vignettes, and the scenery.
That's what I loved about chapter thirteen, Kurben.
Some people live from moment to moment, lapping up the joy and agony for the sheer pleasure of feeling life. I'm one those people, and this chapter was one of those moments.
Originally, I had the thought speaking of the apocalypse in mind, but I couldn't make it fit. I'm tired of thinking about it.
Don't know if I'm the only one who caught that, and I wasn't going to mention it. . . . Pinkerton Academy, the only publicly funded, privately operated high school serving Derry and the surrounding four or five towns, in reality. (Class of 94)
Au contraire, quite tasty, especially if you chew slowly (I've forgotten, what's that fancy shmancy word for "chew"? Not nibble - probably Greek in origin. Manje, no, machêr, mastiquere-you feel me? In English?)...Mal's entry was delicious!....does that make it malicious????......ok mebbe not......
So, I was looking through the comments and saw the one you replied to by Mary Strickland, and I have a question; what in the Sam Hill are magic pills and do they really arrive via email?
They didn't even hand out muses at my school. I'll admit, there are times when I'm writing with a pen and it feels
like I'm channeling something. It's just my imagination and my love of literature.
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Your words shine, Kurben . You have brought new depth to major characters, added visual poetry, and left just enough threads hanging for the forthcoming conclusion. Excellent!
Just awesome Kurben. It makes me wonder how this will all end.
Kurben I loved your piece to the story... and like some of the others, the following passage is my favourite.
"The bunker was situated in a beautiful forest glade but at the moment no one saw the beauty. When the world was at its dusk and humans struggled to survive, beauty was shown the door." ~ This was so uniquely you.
"The bunker was situated in a beautiful forest glade but at the moment no one saw the beauty. When the world was at its dusk and humans struggled to survive, beauty was shown the door." ~ This was so uniquely you.
....I agree Flake, Kurben has a very singular voice and his strength shines through loud & clear.....I enjoyed the hell out of it, and also chuckled at his qualms about writing in the first place, because they so neatly mirror my own....there is an elegant grittiness to his piece and I say thank ya....