Hipmamajen? Who's that?

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hipmamajen

hipmamajen

Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess.
Apr 4, 2008
4,650
6,090
Colorado
Is what I'm sure you're asking yourselves, because I've been completely gone lately.

Guys, I fell in a hole and got plowed under. I'm still under. I just can't get my ****e together. GNTLGNT called me weeks ago and asked me to do a pretty minor thing for him, and I still haven't managed it. (I'm so sorry. I still have it on my To Do list, if it still needs doing.)

Alysia, my as-good-as niece, died mid-October of 2013, and I don't know why but this year has been so much harder than last year. Her birthday is mid-November, so I know that the month in there might be rough, it was in 2013 (of course) and 2014.

This year, there was a convention in Denver for our favorite TV show, and it was scheduled awesomely for the first week of November. Janet (my bestie, Alysia's mom) and 2 of my girls signed up way early in the year to go. We thought it would help bolster up that hard month, and give us something fun to look forward to.

And it did, and it was really great. Much fun was had, and much money was spent by all.

But the first day of the convention, as we were standing in line to go to the first event, Janet was checking her Facebook and said, "Hey, did you see all these articles about your church?"

(At this point, I would like to say that I don't want this post to be about my church which is probably easy to guess from what I've written here, or their policies, or where they can stick them or whether I'm a bad person for my reactions or belonging in the first place, etc. I don't want this thread to end up in Hot Topics. If we even still have Hot Topics? It's been a while..... If you have any discussion specifically on this topic, hit me up in a PM, okay?)

We were in the line forEVER, so I was able to surf around and find out that a policy change made behind the scenes by church leadership had been leaked to the press, and all heck had broken loose.

I was crushed. (Again, agree or disagree, please don't make this thread about the change because I don't want it getting crazy in here. I have to bring it up because it's central to what happened, but I'm trying to keep it kind of opaque for the purposes of not making a big mess for the mods....)

Church has been a sanctuary and support to us for a long time, but this new change didn't sit well with our consciences. Long story short, we decided to disengage. I feel very comfortable with that decision for a number of reasons, but it's still like losing an entire community. Which is not to say that we are being ostracized, everyone is as wonderful as always, but it's not the same.

So, I'm in a spin about that. And I'm angry!

And, now we're back to Christmas shopping time, which is super hard this year without Alysia. She would have turned 20 last month, and I miss her. And I'm seeing all the things my girls are doing that she will never do, and it hurts. When I think of all the things I get to do with my kids that Janet can't do with Alysia, it's slightly mitigated because my kids spend so much time with her. I know it's not the same. But, I swear they like her more than they like me! :)

Anyway, in the big picture, none of this is important. In 100 years, no one will be alive who remembers any of this. I am aware that, in a world on the brink of war, my crap is pretty small. But, it's keeping me plowed under. There are days I just start crying and I have to stop and think back to why I started. And this is WITH medication! (I've always been a crybaby drama queen, so it's not as bad as it sounds.)

Anyway, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. I keep my Facebook up because I don't want to deal with my family all up in my business. If there's anything more anyone than family in general, it's family when they're trying to help!

I'll try to keep up better. Love to all.
 
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Moderator

Moderator

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(((Jen))) Grief doesn't have an expiration date and each of us deal with it in our way and time for a lot of reasons including situations like yours where you have a lot more going on. When you're in that place, everything is harder to deal with so something that wouldn't bother you otherwise will become larger. Perhaps visiting a counselor in addition to the meds, if you haven't already, might help you get things in perspective. There's always a light on for you here. :biglove:
 
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Spideyman

Spideyman

Uber Member
Jul 10, 2006
46,336
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Just north of Duma Key
So good to see you hipmama. The months around the holidays are difficult for so many reasons. My wish for you is inner peace- a way to find it and hold it close to your heart and spirit. Try to look at the memory of Alysia in a positive way- not the things she never will do, but all the things she did in her lifetime. The ways she helped shape your girls to be who they are today. Think of the time they spend with Janet as Alysia's spirit flowing throughout to them. And what your girls learned from Alysia is given back to Janet when she is with them. Only positives. Only happy memories, Not the "will never" but rather "was always".

I hope the miracles of the season will touch all your lives. Stop by the SKMB as you can- it is filled with the joy of the season already. Come breathe it in and feel the love of the Ka-Tet. Love and green lights, Jenn.
 
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Spideyman said:
So good to see you hipmama. The months around the holidays are difficult for so many reasons. My wish for you is inner peace- a way to find it and hold it close to your heart and spirit. Try to look at the memory of Alysia in a positive way- not the things she never will do, but all the things she did in her lifetime. The ways she helped shape your girls to be who they are today. Think of the time they spend with Janet as Alysia's spirit flowing throughout to them. And what your girls learned from Alysia is given back to Janet when she is with them. Only positives. Only happy memories, Not the "will never" but rather "was always".

I hope the miracles of the season will touch all your lives. Stop by the SKMB as you can- it is filled with the joy of the season already. Come breathe it in and fell the love of the Ka-Tet. Love and green lights, Jenn.
Click to expand...
That was just perfect.
 
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skimom2

skimom2

Just moseyin' through...
Oct 9, 2013
15,683
92,168
USA
hipmamajen said:
Is what I'm sure you're asking yourselves, because I've been completely gone lately.

Guys, I fell in a hole and got plowed under. I'm still under. I just can't get my ****e together. GNTLGNT called me weeks ago and asked me to do a pretty minor thing for him, and I still haven't managed it. (I'm so sorry. I still have it on my To Do list, if it still needs doing.)

Alysia, my as-good-as niece, died mid-October of 2013, and I don't know why but this year has been so much harder than last year. Her birthday is mid-November, so I know that the month in there might be rough, it was in 2013 (of course) and 2014.

This year, there was a convention in Denver for our favorite TV show, and it was scheduled awesomely for the first week of November. Janet (my bestie, Alysia's mom) and 2 of my girls signed up way early in the year to go. We thought it would help bolster up that hard month, and give us something fun to look forward to.

And it did, and it was really great. Much fun was had, and much money was spent by all.

But the first day of the convention, as we were standing in line to go to the first event, Janet was checking her Facebook and said, "Hey, did you see all these articles about your church?"

(At this point, I would like to say that I don't want this post to be about my church which is probably easy to guess from what I've written here, or their policies, or where they can stick them or whether I'm a bad person for my reactions or belonging in the first place, etc. I don't want this thread to end up in Hot Topics. If we even still have Hot Topics? It's been a while..... If you have any discussion specifically on this topic, hit me up in a PM, okay?)

We were in the line forEVER, so I was able to surf around and find out that a policy change made behind the scenes by church leadership had been leaked to the press, and all heck had broken loose.

I was crushed. (Again, agree or disagree, please don't make this thread about the change because I don't want it getting crazy in here. I have to bring it up because it's central to what happened, but I'm trying to keep it kind of opaque for the purposes of not making a big mess for the mods....)

Church has been a sanctuary and support to us for a long time, but this new change didn't sit well with our consciences. Long story short, we decided to disengage. I feel very comfortable with that decision for a number of reasons, but it's still like losing an entire community. Which is not to say that we are being ostracized, everyone is as wonderful as always, but it's not the same.

So, I'm in a spin about that. And I'm angry!

And, now we're back to Christmas shopping time, which is super hard this year without Alysia. She would have turned 20 last month, and I miss her. And I'm seeing all the things my girls are doing that she will never do, and it hurts. When I think of all the things I get to do with my kids that Janet can't do with Alysia, it's slightly mitigated because my kids spend so much time with her. I know it's not the same. But, I swear they like her more than they like me! :)

Anyway, in the big picture, none of this is important. In 100 years, no one will be alive who remembers any of this. I am aware that, in a world on the brink of war, my crap is pretty small. But, it's keeping me plowed under. There are days I just start crying and I have to stop and think back to why I started. And this is WITH medication! (I've always been a crybaby drama queen, so it's not as bad as it sounds.)

Anyway, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. I keep my Facebook up because I don't want to deal with my family all up in my business. If there's anything more anyone than family in general, it's family when they're trying to help!

I'll try to keep up better. Love to all.
Click to expand...
In my experience, it was the second year after loss that's the hardest. The first, you're still numb, in a way. Think of that mass of emotion as a river: if you get out of it's way and let it do what it has to do, you can float along. If you try to block it, you just get a pool that will drown you. Know you're loved, let the grief go through you but not engulf you, and breathe. (((hugs)))
 
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morgan

morgan

Well-Known Member
Jul 11, 2010
29,353
104,579
North Dakota
I know this might sound a bit strange, but you popped into my mind this afternoon while I was driving, hipmamajen . Was thinking about how I hadn't "seen" you around on the board lately. Then came home and found your thread. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers - there was a good reason you were on my mind. Holidays are really difficult for me as well. I've experienced a lot of loss the past few years, so I understand a little about how you're feeling. Big hugs.
 
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HollyGolightly

HollyGolightly

Well-Known Member
Sep 6, 2013
9,660
74,320
54
Heart of the South
(((hmj)))
Lots of wise words from the fine folks of the SKMB up there.

I'm riding the waves of grief here myself. I can't look ahead too far - does that make sense? You and I could have ourselves a big snotty loud cry together. Floor crying! Car crying (did that just today)! Shower crying! I'm there with ya! That's all I've got. Learning a new normal.

You were missed. So nice to hear from you! You've got such wit and humor - you are sorely missed when you're away.

Spideyman said:
So good to see you hipmama. The months around the holidays are difficult for so many reasons. My wish for you is inner peace- a way to find it and hold it close to your heart and spirit. Try to look at the memory of Alysia in a positive way- not the things she never will do, but all the things she did in her lifetime. The ways she helped shape your girls to be who they are today. Think of the time they spend with Janet as Alysia's spirit flowing throughout to them. And what your girls learned from Alysia is given back to Janet when she is with them. Only positives. Only happy memories, Not the "will never" but rather "was always".

I hope the miracles of the season will touch all your lives. Stop by the SKMB as you can- it is filled with the joy of the season already. Come breathe it in and feel the love of the Ka-Tet. Love and green lights, Jenn.
Click to expand...
This is a masterpiece, spidey! Lovely!
 
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