very nice. Try it one more time.
I Am Angry Today Because . . .
- Thread starter MadamMack
- Start date
-
This message board permanently closed on June 30th, 2020 at 4PM EDT and is no longer accepting new members.
Don't be letting other people steal your joy!....I am angry at myself, because for months now-I have been letting others at work, anger me terribly and depress me......now, I'm sick of feeling emotionally sick, so I refuse to let them drag me into their pit anymore....I have tried several avenues to circumvent and short-circuit the behavior, but it seems to be perpetually renewing.....my fault in this, was trying to get along-and I got treated this way anyway....no more, no more.....I am not the easiest person to be around, but don't deserve the treatment-whether real or perceived.....toxic, is the best way to describe the environment and the higher ups are allowing it....Scotty no play, no more.....
Word.
Cori - Aspergers must be very hard to live with. It's hard to understand and if you were undiagnosed then I'm sure you were misunderstood by many - including your parents. Now that you know, you've got to figure out how to manage it and live in peace. You're going to need some help with that. You most certainly sound depressed in addition to your life challenges with Aspergers. A good doctor will help you figure all of that out. This living situation is not going to change if all you do is rant about it. I say this with the best intentions. I like to think that Ka brought you here so you could get some gentle guidance from kind people. Everyone struggles with something, Cori. You just learn to manage your hand and find some peace and joy.
On a side note, a friend of mine has an adult son with Aspergers and she just recommended a book to me, written by a man with Aspergers. I'm going to read it soon. She said it was very helpful to her. Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Aspergers by John Elder Robinson.
Oh, iTunes wasn't the worst thing ever to happen, it was just illustrative of everything wrong with the world and even if it is fixed it may benefit some people but will be too late for many. I am just resigning myself to be among the 99% scheduled for destruction.
Yes, I heard from a friend with very similar issues who said she was wrongly medicated for years--that what works for one situation is the exact wrong thing for another and then they act as if it's your problem because it didn't work.
Before learning I had a developmental disability, I was subjected to years of some physical but mostly verbal abuse from my family among others (not everyone I knew, proving some people chose not to act like that and it was not just all me). All I learned from this is, obviously these people want me to prove I take life seriously enough by showing how unhappy I am, but not too unhappy. Every time I was severely depressed I was accused of everything from being mentally ill to being lazy and whining, pretending to be miserable to get out of things, so obviously they wanted me just a certain amount unhappy, but not too much. So I had to balance that with also proving to these people that I would produce a resounding success, then not only would I no longer have to apologize for being happy although unsuccessful, frankly I'd have nothing to answer for and they would have to get off my case or suffer the consequences.
One person in particular kept after me every day since childhood, criticizing my every word and gesture and attributing a bad motive to my every most innocuous action. After fifteen years of trying various words and actions to convey, "Don't be like that, I don't agree and I don't like it," I decided to turn the tables. Once when we were together over Christmas I simply imitated this person's behavior, acting that way to them to see how they liked it. This person threw a mega fit, couldn't stop screaming about how awful I was, and refused to visit for Christmas for seven years!
I said, very reasonably, look. You treated me this way every time you were around me for fifteen years straight, claiming 1) I deserved it because I was crazy and 2) I proved I was crazy by objecting to it. I treated you that way for one weekend, you not only failed to see the point, you went completely wild, yet you STILL want me to admit I'm crazy? How does that make sense? I am not doing it. This person persisted in trying to prove I was crazy, and did succeed in giving me a very nasty shock by discovering many years later that I have a developmental disorder.
I continued to try to keep all these plates spinning by demonstrating I was unhappy enough to realize what a crappy failure I was, but not so unhappy as to be self-indulgent and be labeled a troublemaker, and had not given up on sometime proving successful.
Well, now I've had it. If I didn't think there was no way out I wouldn't say any of this. I am still not admitting I am crazy, which is not only untrue but would be pointless, but to make people happy I will say everything is all my fault. It is like when a group of mountain climbers is all roped together and one slips. Everyone in the group sees if that person does not cut themselves loose and fall, the whole group may fall. It does not mean that individual was a bad person or less worthy to survive than the rest of the group, it just means they were the one out of luck. It's either a miracle happens or so long, it's been good to know ya.
One person in particular kept after me every day since childhood, criticizing my every word and gesture and attributing a bad motive to my every most innocuous action. After fifteen years of trying various words and actions to convey, "Don't be like that, I don't agree and I don't like it," I decided to turn the tables. Once when we were together over Christmas I simply imitated this person's behavior, acting that way to them to see how they liked it. This person threw a mega fit, couldn't stop screaming about how awful I was, and refused to visit for Christmas for seven years!
I said, very reasonably, look. You treated me this way every time you were around me for fifteen years straight, claiming 1) I deserved it because I was crazy and 2) I proved I was crazy by objecting to it. I treated you that way for one weekend, you not only failed to see the point, you went completely wild, yet you STILL want me to admit I'm crazy? How does that make sense? I am not doing it. This person persisted in trying to prove I was crazy, and did succeed in giving me a very nasty shock by discovering many years later that I have a developmental disorder.
I continued to try to keep all these plates spinning by demonstrating I was unhappy enough to realize what a crappy failure I was, but not so unhappy as to be self-indulgent and be labeled a troublemaker, and had not given up on sometime proving successful.
Well, now I've had it. If I didn't think there was no way out I wouldn't say any of this. I am still not admitting I am crazy, which is not only untrue but would be pointless, but to make people happy I will say everything is all my fault. It is like when a group of mountain climbers is all roped together and one slips. Everyone in the group sees if that person does not cut themselves loose and fall, the whole group may fall. It does not mean that individual was a bad person or less worthy to survive than the rest of the group, it just means they were the one out of luck. It's either a miracle happens or so long, it's been good to know ya.
....I am angry at myself, because for months now-I have been letting others at work, anger me terribly and depress me......now, I'm sick of feeling emotionally sick, so I refuse to let them drag me into their pit anymore....I have tried several avenues to circumvent and short-circuit the behavior, but it seems to be perpetually renewing.....my fault in this, was trying to get along-and I got treated this way anyway....no more, no more.....I am not the easiest person to be around, but don't deserve the treatment-whether real or perceived.....toxic, is the best way to describe the environment and the higher ups are allowing it....Scotty no play, no more.....
I hope you are able to improve your environment, or else be a duck. So much time is spent at work, nobody should have to dread going.
Water just rolls off a duck's feathers. It has no effect on the duck. If you can be a duck, their words/actions won't affect you. Easier said than done. I have managed to get through situations by actually visualizing words rolling off a duck. Of course, if that doesn't work, visualizing a duck cr@pping on them might help.
Don't be letting other people steal your joy!
Word.
Cori - Aspergers must be very hard to live with. It's hard to understand and if you were undiagnosed then I'm sure you were misunderstood by many - including your parents. Now that you know, you've got to figure out how to manage it and live in peace. You're going to need some help with that. You most certainly sound depressed in addition to your life challenges with Aspergers. A good doctor will help you figure all of that out. This living situation is not going to change if all you do is rant about it. I say this with the best intentions. I like to think that Ka brought you here so you could get some gentle guidance from kind people. Everyone struggles with something, Cori. You just learn to manage your hand and find some peace and joy.
On a side note, a friend of mine has an adult son with Aspergers and she just recommended a book to me, written by a man with Aspergers. I'm going to read it soon. She said it was very helpful to her. Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Aspergers by John Elder Robinson.
Thanks for the kind words. I originally found myself here on the Stephen King forums following the destruction of Ray Bradbury's house. I wanted to make sure that Stephen King knew about it--I was assured he heard about it from two or three people directly as well as he must have seen it in the news. I never learned what he thought of it. I tried to convey what I did--if there is no room in this world for valuing Ray Bradbury's legacy, there is certainly no room in this world for me, nor do I want any room in such a world, period.
I had been struggling with writing--mainly attempting fiction--for years before Bradbury died but after he passed away I did write two books. One was about his life for kids. Four other such books have been produced and I won't go into detail about why I consider mine superior, or why it hasn't reached the attention of those in a position to do anything with it. The other was a book about my life up until age twelve. When I was thirteen I started this story, and like my life itself, everything went along fine until it hit the skids around when I was ten or eleven years old. At thirteen I just couldn't handle writing about this, not only because it was too confusing to explain, it was too upsetting to think about. I simply set the book aside for thirty-seven years and then figured I'd better complete it while I and some other people still alive remembered these things.
At the time I knew memoirs were big, so I read Look Me in the Eye, by John Elder Robison, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou, and The Liars' Club by Mary Karr. They were wonderful and I was glad I read them, but it just made me feel worse. These people had gone through much more challenging lives than I had, which not only made their stories more interesting but they told them better! I ended up feeling I'd made a hash even of recounting my own life. It seemed much more interesting while I lived it than it did written out and I couldn't seem to reconcile the difference. After that I didn't try writing any more, fiction or non-fiction. This ambition and ability had been with me since I learned to write before the age of seven, and now it was just gone and I wasn't sure whether pursuing it would be a waste of time and effort. I have tried, at least, to pass on books I consider important to others, but once Ray Bradbury was so disrespected and disregarded I thought, gosh, books are being phased out and so am I!
....I am angry at myself, because for months now-I have been letting others at work, anger me terribly and depress me......now, I'm sick of feeling emotionally sick, so I refuse to let them drag me into their pit anymore....I have tried several avenues to circumvent and short-circuit the behavior, but it seems to be perpetually renewing.....my fault in this, was trying to get along-and I got treated this way anyway....no more, no more.....I am not the easiest person to be around, but don't deserve the treatment-whether real or perceived.....toxic, is the best way to describe the environment and the higher ups are allowing it....Scotty no play, no more.....
Wow, somebody sent me a whole website on scapegoating! The Scapegoat At Work – Recovering From Workplace Bullying | Glynis Sherwood Counselling
César Hernández-Meraz
Wants to be Nick, ends up as Larry
César Hernández-Meraz
Wants to be Nick, ends up as Larry
Cori, if possible, or even if not, try to surround yourself with different people.
Even if, so far, all of them have been bad, you are bound to find good people soon, if you just get away from those currently around you.
Even if, so far, all of them have been bad, you are bound to find good people soon, if you just get away from those currently around you.
where do they get the paper now, China?
Like Sigmund said, maybe look into some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. There are plenty of books that give you tips on how to change things that might worry you.
Cori! I had a new thought - well, new on this situation anyway. I'm Catholic and I am always taking classes, going to workshops, etc. to continue my spiritual formation. I learn a lot, so much more than just religious studies. One thing that really helps me is the practice of not comparing myself to others. You must stop doing that. There is no happiness in it - it's evil at work - it plants those seeds of doubt and self loathing and jealousy - all very destructive. You are you, your gifts are different. This is where that cognitive behavior therapy would help you. I find myself being outrageously and irrationally critical of myself when I start comparing. And when I recognize what I'm doing, I can talk myself down. The practice of detachment and then practicing the opposite of the negative emotion work for me - there's a slew of opposite reactions to negative emotions - google them. Love for others is key to this. Are you spiritual at all? If so, talk with your pastor - he or she can usually recommend a therapist within your faith community that can help - or your pastor may even be a psychologist - lots of ministers hold a degree in psychology.
Oh man yes. There are always going to be girls younger, prettier, skinnier, smarter, more clever, funny, more creative, better educated, more generous, more understanding etc...etc...etc... A person could exhaust themselves if they cherry pick.
...thank you ma'am, much appreciated....
You are striking very close to the core of the problem--envy and all those related things are among the seven deadly sins and they are caused by comparison. As far as people having survived worse, yes, certainly--look at that passage from The Grapes of Wrath in which a character said the kids are so skinny and ragged now we'd be ashamed if everyone else's weren't the same. You can stand a lot if you know the situation is not only not your fault, but everyone else is going through the same thing. The plain fact is: everyone in my family who is not actually mentally ill, or a substance abuser, is doing better than me, and even people who were those things have done better in some ways. That is the main reason why I am completely discouraged. It's not comparison to some poor third world citizens that concerns me, it's the fact that of all my friends and family, I am the one being called on to give up everything dear to me because "it's what I deserve" for failing!
As far as having a religious faith and being in touch with a church community, yes those are very important to me.
I am angry today .. becuase I dont know what love is ! #sigh
hello world/universe , Can I meet love ? #sigh
I mean what is love? Has S.K ever written a story about love?
Is it sharing with someone laughter, and life ...?
Is it feeling you are in a bed full of feathers when you talk to him or thats just #fantasy?
is it making him a chicken soup when he is sick ?
is it talking about vomiting anecdotes ? because you feel happy he trusted you that , how the vomiting , what color was it?
or is obsession?
hello world/universe , Can I meet love ? #sigh
I mean what is love? Has S.K ever written a story about love?
Is it sharing with someone laughter, and life ...?
Is it feeling you are in a bed full of feathers when you talk to him or thats just #fantasy?
is it making him a chicken soup when he is sick ?
is it talking about vomiting anecdotes ? because you feel happy he trusted you that , how the vomiting , what color was it?
or is obsession?
Most of Stephen's books have a romance of one kind or another in them.
It's just that they tend to have kind of an unconventional twist.
I gave myself a really nice sunburn Friday. We were slow at the salon so a few of us sat out in the back parking lot, rolled up our pants legs, and baked ourselves while we talked and solved the world's problems.
......I didn't realize how very baked I was until Saturday morning. I'm a lobster!
Nobody to blame but myself.......
......I didn't realize how very baked I was until Saturday morning. I'm a lobster!
Nobody to blame but myself.......