Jokes
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5 Quid (Slang for an English pound)
A man was walking through a park at night, when he heard a lady's voice in the bushes!
"Fancy a good time, only 5 quid?"
"Why not",he thought and he was just about to grope the lady when a policeman shone his torch on them!
"What's going on here?",asked the policeman
"Do you mind",replied the man, "I am about to have sex with my wife!"
"Sorry Sir",said the policeman "didn't realise it was your wife!"
A man was walking through a park at night, when he heard a lady's voice in the bushes!
"Fancy a good time, only 5 quid?"
"Why not",he thought and he was just about to grope the lady when a policeman shone his torch on them!
"What's going on here?",asked the policeman
"Do you mind",replied the man, "I am about to have sex with my wife!"
"Sorry Sir",said the policeman "didn't realise it was your wife!"
"Neither did I till you shone your bloody torch on us!" responded the husband.
There was a Papa mole, a Momma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of Papa and Momma mole being in the way.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of Papa and Momma mole being in the way.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is mole-asses!"
The Nameless
M-O-O-N - That spells Nameless
Courtesy of family guy: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
one of my favourties stan and ollie pictures ah no let you guess it
Stan: i came here to forget
officer: forget, forget what?
stan: i forgot.
Brillant, i grew up watching them, they were brillant. Both Comical geniues
Stan: i came here to forget
officer: forget, forget what?
stan: i forgot.
Brillant, i grew up watching them, they were brillant. Both Comical geniues
The Nameless
M-O-O-N - That spells Nameless
Aw, Stan & Ollie - now they were the true Gods of slapstick comedy.
A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”
The old man puts the frog in his pocket.
The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”
The old man looks at the frog and says..
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”
The old man puts the frog in his pocket.
The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”
The old man looks at the frog and says..
“At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Which church bulletin misstatement is your favorite?
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
2. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
3. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
4. Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
5. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
6. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
7. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
9. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
10. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
2. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
3. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
4. Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
5. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
6. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
7. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
9. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
10. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
i have the URge to read a sk book. get it.
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl and it is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl and it is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....
I haven't made the smucking porridge yet, OK!"
what did Carl Jung call himself when he got older?
Carl old
Please don't hate me, i do my best
Carl old
Please don't hate me, i do my best
They're all very good! But I think 6, 9,and 10 are probably my favourites!
If I have to pick just one, then for me it's number 9.
The Nameless
M-O-O-N - That spells Nameless
1 and 10 for me. 6 is just childish. Ha ha.
A man walked into a Washington, D.C. Catholic Church confessional. He tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a congressman."
The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins not discuss your community service work."
The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins not discuss your community service work."
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day of your life?"
The other responds...
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day of your life?"
The other responds...
"Yes, the day I had diarrhoea!"
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but...
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but...
*******s.
A stranger is driving around the back woods of Montana and sees a sign in a yard: "Talking Dog For Sale". He knocks on the door, the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The stranger goes into the backyard; there sits a handsome Black Lab.
"So, you talk?", the stranger asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
Stunned, the stranger hesitates, then asks, "Tell me, what's your story?".
The Lab says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I went to the CIA. In no time at all I was jetting around the world, sitting in on meetings with world leaders and spies who never figured a dog could eavesdrop. I was one of the CIAs most valuable spies for eight years running..."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for an undercover security job at the airport, listening in on conversations by suspicious characters. I was a great success, and was awarded a bunch of medals."
"Now I'm just retired", the Lab concluded.
Amazed, the stranger goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks," the man says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?", the stranger asks.
The man says, "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
"So, you talk?", the stranger asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
Stunned, the stranger hesitates, then asks, "Tell me, what's your story?".
The Lab says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I went to the CIA. In no time at all I was jetting around the world, sitting in on meetings with world leaders and spies who never figured a dog could eavesdrop. I was one of the CIAs most valuable spies for eight years running..."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for an undercover security job at the airport, listening in on conversations by suspicious characters. I was a great success, and was awarded a bunch of medals."
"Now I'm just retired", the Lab concluded.
Amazed, the stranger goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks," the man says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?", the stranger asks.
The man says, "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."