Jokes

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blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
image003.jpg
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
 

FlakeNoir

Original Kiwi© SKMB®
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
44,082
175,641
New Zealand
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
:biggrin2:
 

Anni M

Beta-Tester */ Moderator
Moderator
Apr 12, 2006
4,790
1,704
A Canuck Guelphling
Flakey, will this make you snort? heehee ;)
******************************************************************

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry………… How soon can I go home?'
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
Flakey, will this make you snort? heehee ;)
******************************************************************

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry………… How soon can I go home?'

Good one, :clap::lol:
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the Blues.
The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man again reaches into his pockets and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the Blues.
The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
The man is enjoying his free drinks when a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender exclaimed. "That frog had a great voice, and could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special...
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Wilson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers..
They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
 

FlakeNoir

Original Kiwi© SKMB®
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
44,082
175,641
New Zealand
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Wilson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers..
They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
:laugh:
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom.
The ducks are left on the bar alone with the bartender. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" replies the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance I would do the same again tomorrow."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck....
"my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day!"
 

FlakeNoir

Original Kiwi© SKMB®
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
44,082
175,641
New Zealand
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom.
The ducks are left on the bar alone with the bartender. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" replies the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance I would do the same again tomorrow."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck....
"my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day!"
Oh hell... :rofl:
 

Spideyman

Uber Member
Jul 10, 2006
46,336
195,472
79
Just north of Duma Key
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom.
The ducks are left on the bar alone with the bartender. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" replies the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance I would do the same again tomorrow."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck....
"my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day!"


Ok, I'm awake now.:rofl:
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
A man needed a horse, so he went to the temple and asked for one.
The priest gave him a horse but told him that it was very special.
In order to make this horse go, you must say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen."
So the man thanked the priest and left, and dozed off while riding the horse.
Hours later, he woke up and found his horse was galloping towards the edge of a cliff.
Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped just inches from the cliff edge.
"Whew," said the man, "Thank God!"
 

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm still a pothead?"
The owner points at his shop window and says...
"Because that's a Microwave!"