Jokes
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A 7-year old and 4-year old are in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7-year old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first, then you."
"Ok," says the 4-year old.
Mum asks the 7-year old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco Puffs, bitch," he tells her. WHACK! the 7-year old flies out of his chair.
Mum looks at the 4-year old and asks, "And what do you want?"
The 4-year old answers, "Well it ain't f***ing Coco Puffs."
"Ok," says the 4-year old.
Mum asks the 7-year old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco Puffs, bitch," he tells her. WHACK! the 7-year old flies out of his chair.
Mum looks at the 4-year old and asks, "And what do you want?"
The 4-year old answers, "Well it ain't f***ing Coco Puffs."
A Lawyer is standing in a long line at the Box Office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The Lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The guy behind him says "I'm a Chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a Lawyer, but you don't see me..
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The Lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The guy behind him says "I'm a Chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a Lawyer, but you don't see me..
screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Teen girl comes home from her after school job. It's winter, cold, dark and the power is out. The house is in total darkness and her parents' cars are gone.
She enters through the kitchen door and calls 'is anyone home?'
Silence.
She walks through to the living room, feeling her way in the dark.
No-one there. She hears a whispering sound. Wind? She listens. No, it sounds like words. She grabs a poker from the fire place and feels her way to the hallway.
The wispering sounds like it's coming from upstairs. Maybe her parents are in their room.
She climbs the stairs clutching the poker, listening intently. The words are becoming clearer. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna...... '
She continues climbing the stairs, clutching the poker, listening. The whispering is getting louder and clearer. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.'
She continues climbing, clutching the poker tighter with each step.
At the top of the stairs she waits and listens. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.' It's coming from the cupboard at the end of the hall.
She creeps toward the cupboard, the wispering getting louder with every step.. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.'
She puts one hand on the door handle, raises the poker.. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.'
Pulls
Soz I'm not a writer and I've only ever told it in the dark but it's one I thought you'd enjoy.
She enters through the kitchen door and calls 'is anyone home?'
Silence.
She walks through to the living room, feeling her way in the dark.
No-one there. She hears a whispering sound. Wind? She listens. No, it sounds like words. She grabs a poker from the fire place and feels her way to the hallway.
The wispering sounds like it's coming from upstairs. Maybe her parents are in their room.
She climbs the stairs clutching the poker, listening intently. The words are becoming clearer. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna...... '
She continues climbing the stairs, clutching the poker, listening. The whispering is getting louder and clearer. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.'
She continues climbing, clutching the poker tighter with each step.
At the top of the stairs she waits and listens. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.' It's coming from the cupboard at the end of the hall.
She creeps toward the cupboard, the wispering getting louder with every step.. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.'
She puts one hand on the door handle, raises the poker.. 'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.'
Pulls
'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.' Her little brother is sitting in the bottom of the cupboard, knees under his chin, finger up his nose. He pulls his finger out looks at it and says...
'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.
'Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya. Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gunna eat ya.
Soz I'm not a writer and I've only ever told it in the dark but it's one I thought you'd enjoy.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her Mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today in the playground!"
Before the Mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Before the Mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Youngster asks his father, " Dad, what is the difference beween theory and fact?"
Father says, "Go upstairs and ask you mom and sister if they would each sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."
The kid goes, comes back and says, "They both said yes."
The father says, "Here's the difference. In theory we have two million dollars. In fact we have two whores upstairs."
Father says, "Go upstairs and ask you mom and sister if they would each sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."
The kid goes, comes back and says, "They both said yes."
The father says, "Here's the difference. In theory we have two million dollars. In fact we have two whores upstairs."
A man was visiting Washington, DC and stopped by a catholic church to make his confession.
He said “Bless me, Father for I have sinned, I beat up my Senator.”
The priest interrupted him saying “Son, I am here to absolve you of your sins, not hear about your community work.”
He said “Bless me, Father for I have sinned, I beat up my Senator.”
The priest interrupted him saying “Son, I am here to absolve you of your sins, not hear about your community work.”
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my Birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a Happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a Happy Birthday.
As I entered my office however, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday, boss!"
I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I slip into the bedroom for a minute?"
"No of course not," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a Birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
Well, last week was my Birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a Happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a Happy Birthday.
As I entered my office however, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday, boss!"
I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I slip into the bedroom for a minute?"
"No of course not," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a Birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
Where I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Bad language warning
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the Judge about a separation, but the Judge announced, "I'm sorry Mickey, but I cannot legally separate the two of you just because you say Minnie has protruding front teeth!
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she has protruding front teeth...
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the Judge about a separation, but the Judge announced, "I'm sorry Mickey, but I cannot legally separate the two of you just because you say Minnie has protruding front teeth!
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she has protruding front teeth...
I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
An old lady rushed into the Police Department and claimed she had been raped.
When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know only that he was a Contractor.
When asked how she could possible know that, she yelled...
When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know only that he was a Contractor.
When asked how she could possible know that, she yelled...
"All he said was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job!"