Jokes
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IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
A boy was at school and his lady teacher asked him to learn three new words over the weekend.
His father was a pilot and taught him the word "take-off."
His mother was a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra."
His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby."
On Monday when he went to school his teacher asked, ''What are your three new words?''
The boy said, ''Take-off zebra baby.''
His father was a pilot and taught him the word "take-off."
His mother was a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra."
His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby."
On Monday when he went to school his teacher asked, ''What are your three new words?''
The boy said, ''Take-off zebra baby.''
When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
This elderly woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:-
"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me!!
This elderly woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:-
"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me!!
Will I Live to see 80?
(Here's something to think about.)
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy Five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a s**t?'
(Here's something to think about.)
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy Five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a s**t?'
A Doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription, and pulls out a Rectal Thermometer.
"Oh, damn it," he proclaims,
"Oh, damn it," he proclaims,
"Some ass-hole has my pen!
So true!
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
Suddenly one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?”
The Indian replied “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.”
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “The Saints preserve us! Look at the size of this cave! It is much bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fyne women in this cave!”
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!”
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…..
Suddenly one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?”
The Indian replied “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.”
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “The Saints preserve us! Look at the size of this cave! It is much bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fyne women in this cave!”
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!”
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…..
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Three guys arrive at heaven at the same time. It's been a very busy day, during the war, and Saint Peter says, "I only have time to admit one of you today. How about whoever has experienced the most unusual death" (have you heard it?)
The first guy tells how he came home unexpectedly, finds his wife in bed naked and tears through the apartment looking for her lover. He runs out on the balcony and there's a guy hanging from the railing, twenty-five floors above the street. The husband takes off one of his shoes and beats the guy's hand till the guy lets go and falls. But he doesn't hit the pavement, damn it, he lands in a bushy tree and he's still alive. The husband, furious, grabs the refrigerator, drags it out to the balcony and pushes it over the railing. The fridge lands on the guy in the tree and kills him. But the exertion is too much for the husband, he has a heart attack and drops dead.
Saint Peter says, "That's not bad," and turns to the second guy who wants to get into heaven. This one says he was exercising on his balcony, lost his balance and went over the railing. He's a goner for sure, but reaches out and grabs the railing of the balcony below his apartment. Now a guy comes out and the one hanging twenty-five floors above the street says, "Thank God, I'm saved." But the guy who comes out takes off his shoe and beats on his hands gripping the rail till he falls. But he lands in a bushy tree, he's still alive, his eyes wide open to see the fridge coming down to blot out his life.
Saint Peter says, "Yeah, I like that one." Turns to the third guy who wants to get into heaven and says, "What's your story, amigo?" The guy says, "I don't know what happened. I was naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."
Read this one today in Elmore Leonard's, Up in Honey's Room. Surely an omen.
The first guy tells how he came home unexpectedly, finds his wife in bed naked and tears through the apartment looking for her lover. He runs out on the balcony and there's a guy hanging from the railing, twenty-five floors above the street. The husband takes off one of his shoes and beats the guy's hand till the guy lets go and falls. But he doesn't hit the pavement, damn it, he lands in a bushy tree and he's still alive. The husband, furious, grabs the refrigerator, drags it out to the balcony and pushes it over the railing. The fridge lands on the guy in the tree and kills him. But the exertion is too much for the husband, he has a heart attack and drops dead.
Saint Peter says, "That's not bad," and turns to the second guy who wants to get into heaven. This one says he was exercising on his balcony, lost his balance and went over the railing. He's a goner for sure, but reaches out and grabs the railing of the balcony below his apartment. Now a guy comes out and the one hanging twenty-five floors above the street says, "Thank God, I'm saved." But the guy who comes out takes off his shoe and beats on his hands gripping the rail till he falls. But he lands in a bushy tree, he's still alive, his eyes wide open to see the fridge coming down to blot out his life.
Saint Peter says, "Yeah, I like that one." Turns to the third guy who wants to get into heaven and says, "What's your story, amigo?" The guy says, "I don't know what happened. I was naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."
Read this one today in Elmore Leonard's, Up in Honey's Room. Surely an omen.
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children when a blind man joins them.
The bus arrives but they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man's stick as he taps it on the side-walk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The bus arrives but they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man's stick as he taps it on the side-walk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you'd have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus … so why don't you shut up.”
I know of one, but I don't know if it's politically incorrect or just a tad rude...
This is another from the same Leonard story see above...or maybe below? Can we have new posts show up at top still? This one is about a guy who tells his friend he's got an excruciating pain in his bum. And the friend tells him he has piles and what kind of cream to use for it. The guy tries the cream but still has the awful pain. He runs into another friend and tells him about it. This one says no, creams don't work. He tells the guy to have a cup of tea, then take the tea leaves and pack them up his behind like a poultice. The guy does it, has a cup of tea every day for a week and stuffs the leaves up his heinie. The guy's still in terrible pain, so finally he goes to see a doctor. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. He looks up the guy's keester and says, "Yes, I see you have piles. And I see you're going to go on a long journey."
Re: the post order, I had tried to change this around during beta testing and didn't have any joy--though, you can actually change it with the threads. If you go to Chattery Teeth for example, right at the bottom of the page is an option for Ascending/Descending thread order.