Jokes

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kingzeppelin

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
A blonde got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes at work, so one evening she went home and memorized all the State Capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling yet another dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the State Capitals.”
One of the guys of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the Capital of Nevada?”
“N,” she answered.
 
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Haunted

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Nine Thoughts to Ponder

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
Number2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn
your a** tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
 
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Dana Jean

Dana Jean

Dirty Pirate Hooker, The Return
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
53,634
236,697
The High Seas
Haunted said:
Nine Thoughts to Ponder

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
Number2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn
your a** tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
Click to expand...
loved 5
 
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blunthead

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
539125_616732478365634_1108513772_n.jpg
 
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blunthead

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
Haunted said:
Nine Thoughts to Ponder

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
Number2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn
your a** tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
Click to expand...
:rofl:These are excellent.
 
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kingzeppelin

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
This is a tale of a blonde flying in a two-seater air-plane.
The Pilot has a heart attack and dies.
She frantically puts out a May Day:
“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! Can anybody hear me? My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

After a moment she hears a calm voice over the radio saying:
“This is the Tower. I understand your problem, don't panic and I will talk you down.
I've had a lot of experience with this situation.
So, just relax and everything will be fine!
Now to start give me your height and position.”

The blonde replies..
“I'm 5’4″ and I'm in the front seat.”

There is a pause...then the voice says..
“Okay, repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..”
 
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kingzeppelin

kingzeppelin

Member who probably should be COMMITTED!
Apr 15, 2012
7,441
20,496
Oxfordshire, UK
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b1tches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b1tches who are getting on, get your a$$es on the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, she allows her son to come out of his bedroom and he resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped again and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey."
As the mother began to smile, her son added...
"For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the two hour delay, please see the b1tch in the kitchen."
 
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