Jokes

[Haunted]

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race andit won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkeythat he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind ofpublicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enterthe donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmfor $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!

 

[kingzeppelin]

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race andit won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkeythat he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind ofpublicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enterthe donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmfor $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!

 

[Neesy]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b1tches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b1tches who are getting on, get your a$$es on the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, she allows her son to come out of his bedroom and he resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped again and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey."
As the mother began to smile, her son added...

Spoiler

"For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the two hour delay, please see the b1tch in the kitchen."

This one was an LOL

 

[blunthead]

This morning in the elevator I was beaten up by my busty neighbor. She asked me to press "One".

 

[kingzeppelin]

Three men were in a Bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my..... I have to go home now!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,

Spoiler

"When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"

 

[CriticAndProud]

This one requires knowledge of world politics, but I find it quite funny.

 

[Tim D.]

Two duck hunters were sitting in a blind. One was drinking coffee and the other was drinking whiskey. Suddenly, a lone duck flies over. The coffee drinker stands up and fires and misses the duck. Then the whiskey drinker stands, fires and drops the duck.
"Great shot!" The mans friend yells.
"No big deal". The whiskey drinker says. "I usually get five or six from a flock like that".

 

[kingzeppelin]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."
The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."
They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"
The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know ...

Spoiler

Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

 

[kingzeppelin]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the Clubhouse for medical assistance.
The Golf Pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said,

Spoiler

“Hmm, obviously your stance is far too wide!”

 

[kingzeppelin]

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away.
Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the others husband and said, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," replied the other...

Spoiler

"Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

 

[blunthead]

 

[blunthead]

 

[FlakeNoir]

 

[SharonC]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

 

[Neesy]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

Cute! (a play on words) - my kinda joke

 

[kingzeppelin]

A Biker gang are out riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

Spoiler

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

 

[kingzeppelin]

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the Pet Cemetery with her cat's remains.
As she got on, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy."
The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said...

Spoiler

"Go sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

 

[blunthead]

Spoiler

 

[blunthead]

 

[Ceefor]

Is it the one about the grasshopper?

No - Snow White, Prince Charming and the Seven Dwarves...