Jokes
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I feel this way after gearing up my knee-high lace up snow boots!
Navy joke: An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
Thought for the day….EXCELLENT ADVICE for the New Year
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't chew it, eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't chew it, eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away.
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month.
funny, but then again.....
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month.
funny, but then again.....
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Here is my few jokes, please note i make these up during my smoke/coffee break.
I am so jealous of Kermit the frog, he has a woman called miss piggy.
i need some help guys a woman like KISSED ME I am suffering from ptkd(post traumatic kissing disease)
I was kicked out of Mensa for making Stephen HawKing look like homer simpson.
I was told i should be a stand up comedian, but can you be a sit down one?
Two intellecutals are making love as the male organisms he says sigmund
as the female orgamisms she says freud.
When i get breakfast at a hotel and they ask how i want my eggs. i say sigmund get it freud fried egss. Ok ok
i quit the SAS because they weren't tough enough for me
and the funniest joke of all
Chelsea are gonna win the premiershipl. lmao
I am so jealous of Kermit the frog, he has a woman called miss piggy.
i need some help guys a woman like KISSED ME I am suffering from ptkd(post traumatic kissing disease)
I was kicked out of Mensa for making Stephen HawKing look like homer simpson.
I was told i should be a stand up comedian, but can you be a sit down one?
Two intellecutals are making love as the male organisms he says sigmund
as the female orgamisms she says freud.
When i get breakfast at a hotel and they ask how i want my eggs. i say sigmund get it freud fried egss. Ok ok
i quit the SAS because they weren't tough enough for me
and the funniest joke of all
Chelsea are gonna win the premiershipl. lmao
He's my brother...
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
