Jokes
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I've got a big dog so he can get the 50 point bonus for 7 letter words.
What did the three holes in the ground say?
If you bury someone in the wrong place
Also
If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.
Well, well, well
If you bury someone in the wrong place
then you have made a grave mistake.
Also
If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.
My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day.
What happens to lawyers after they die?
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I lost it.
What happens to lawyers after they die?
They lie still.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!"
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
lol I reposted the same joke I posted before. Here's another as an apology.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
THE BLONDE MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED...
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wifeshouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure whatto do; it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man goes to the vet with his
goldfish."I think it's got epilepsy," he
tells the vet.The vet takes a look and says, "It seemscalm enough to me."The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his
doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOTBEND ".He spends the next 2 hours trying to figureout how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the
phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as askunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the roadThe cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself," the blond replies."The rope should be around your neck" says the guard."I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde man replies:"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.One asks: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wifeshouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure whatto do; it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man goes to the vet with his
goldfish."I think it's got epilepsy," he
tells the vet.The vet takes a look and says, "It seemscalm enough to me."The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his
doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOTBEND ".He spends the next 2 hours trying to figureout how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the
phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as askunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the roadThe cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself," the blond replies."The rope should be around your neck" says the guard."I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde man replies:"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.One asks: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...
I casually pointed to 2 old drunks across the bar from us and said "That's us in 10 years".
He said "That's a mirror dumb-a$$!"
I casually pointed to 2 old drunks across the bar from us and said "That's us in 10 years".
He said "That's a mirror dumb-a$$!"
A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What is this, some kind of joke?".
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard....
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers
which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the
girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
The dad practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
His wife said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the
girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
The dad practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
His wife said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
SO THERE ARE THESE TWO MUFFINS IN THE OVEN... ONE MUFFIN SAYS TO THE OTHER MUFFIN, " WASSSSSSUP?"
THE OTHER MUFFIN SAYS , " OHHHHH MYYYYY GAWSH... A TALKIN' MUFFIN!!!"
THE OTHER MUFFIN SAYS , " OHHHHH MYYYYY GAWSH... A TALKIN' MUFFIN!!!"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'