Jokes

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doowopgirl

very avid fan
Aug 7, 2009
6,946
25,119
65
dublin ireland

  • 1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
    It's a shame they'll never meet.

    2. My wife accused me of being immature.
    I told her to get out of my fort.

    3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

    4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One, they're efficient and not very funny.

    5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
    It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.[/spoiler

    6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

    You have my Word.

    7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A pool table.

    8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
    Poor guy.

    9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
    You look for the fresh prints.

    10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.

    11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
    Runs in our jeans.

    12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
    He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

    13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
    The bartender gave it to her.

    14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism.

    15. Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don't work.

    16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Aye Matey.

    17. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
    If anything, it made him more sluggish.

    18. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
    But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

    19. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
    A: With an itheberg.[/spoiler

    20. Someone stole my mood ring,
    I don't know how I feel about that.

    21. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
    Mist.

    22. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

    23. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
    She looked surprised.
These are my favorite kind of jokes.
 

not_nadine

Comfortably Roont
Nov 19, 2011
29,655
139,785
Behind you
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their
travel schedule so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,
sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: March 3, 2015

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in.

Everything is set for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to
seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!!
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
Mitch Hedberg One-Liners

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I used to do drugs — I still do, but I used to, too.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

This shirt is "dry-clean only" — which means it’s dirty.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I wish I could play little league now, I’d be way better than before.

I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.

The last time I called ‘shotgun’, we had rented a limo, so I f***ed up.

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow sh!t.

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.

I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.

You don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude — Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said f**k that, I’ll just get a tan instead.

When I was on acid I would see things like beams of light, and I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, ”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What happened when Jesus wanted to swim?

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

A dog is forever in the push-up position.

I got a parrot and it talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.

I’m sick of following my dreams; I’m going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I turned to my friend and said, “How do you abbreviate Arkansas”. He said, “I don’t know, just start spelling it, and then quit”.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem — it’s not the photographer’s fault.

I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?

At the end of my letters, I like to write "P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off — it’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.

It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time — and last night, all those people were at my show.
 

mal

content
Jun 23, 2007
4,714
27,243
61
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Mitch Hedberg One-Liners

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I used to do drugs — I still do, but I used to, too.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

This shirt is "dry-clean only" — which means it’s dirty.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I wish I could play little league now, I’d be way better than before.

I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.

The last time I called ‘shotgun’, we had rented a limo, so I f***ed up.

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow sh!t.

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.

I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.

You don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude — Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said f**k that, I’ll just get a tan instead.

When I was on acid I would see things like beams of light, and I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, ”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What happened when Jesus wanted to swim?

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

A dog is forever in the push-up position.

I got a parrot and it talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.

I’m sick of following my dreams; I’m going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I turned to my friend and said, “How do you abbreviate Arkansas”. He said, “I don’t know, just start spelling it, and then quit”.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem — it’s not the photographer’s fault.

I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?

At the end of my letters, I like to write "P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off — it’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.

It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time — and last night, all those people were at my show.
I like his story about writing jokes down in the middle of the night if he thinks they are funny. If the notepad is across the room he tries to convince himself that they weren't that funny.
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
RANDOM THOUGHTS in my e-mail:

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE.... ?
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

dumb-blonde.jpg
The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

- See more at: A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago | Funny and Jokes
 

Jackal.S.Rogue

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2014
2,235
4,161
A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

dumb-blonde.jpg
The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

- See more at: A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago | Funny and Jokes


:rofl::lol::m_snicker::lol_pig:
That's the best blonde joke I've ever heard.
 

80sFan

Just one more chapter...
Jul 14, 2015
2,997
16,167
Pennsylvania
I like this one too...

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
I like this one too...

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
:rofl:
 

Pucker

We all have it coming, kid
May 9, 2010
2,906
6,242
62
So these two Legionairres are trudging across the desert and one of them says to the other:

"You know, if her name hadn't been Sandy, I'd probably have forgotten her by now."
 
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Anni M

Beta-Tester */ Moderator
Moderator
Apr 12, 2006
4,790
1,704
A Canuck Guelphling
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think
there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."
 
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