Jokes
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Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Another good one especially the punch.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Another good one especially the punch.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "P*ss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough ...?"
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "P*ss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough ...?"
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little creep is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little creep is adorable.
Smokin' in the Rain
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?...
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?...
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”
Harry: "Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little **** in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”
Harry: "Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little **** in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
The saying goes that kid’s say the “darndest” things. It turns out they sometimes hear them too! In the joke below, mom is surprised by what her son says while doing his math homework. Please note the joke has a word that some readers might find offensive, but it’s integral to the punchline.
“Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.’
“In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. ‘Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?’
“Little Billy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mom.’ She said, ‘And is that what your teacher taught you?’ He replied, ‘Yes.’”
“The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy’s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his math teacher, ‘I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?’”
“The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition problems.’ Billy’s mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ When the teacher stopped laughing she replied…”
“‘Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.’”
“Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.’
“In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. ‘Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?’
“Little Billy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mom.’ She said, ‘And is that what your teacher taught you?’ He replied, ‘Yes.’”
“The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy’s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his math teacher, ‘I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?’”
“The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition problems.’ Billy’s mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ When the teacher stopped laughing she replied…”
“‘Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.’”
A little old school sketch homour. Swedish style but works in any language
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Happy Mondays!--another joke from Unkee Bob! (not really PC, but good for a laugh)
***********************
SOME GOOD NEWS FOR MUM AND DAD
Dear Mom and Dad,
You'll be happy to hear that I've recently left my boyfriend Barack, I know that you didn't approve of him because of his
African-American race and the fact he was twenty-one years older than me and always wanted you so send money.
You'll be also pleased to know that I've met a nice American boy when I was in Germany . He has changed my life, I've never been more happy.
His name's Bill and he's just one year older than me. The extra good news is that we are both coming back to the United States next
month and he can't wait to meet you both. I'll call when I have a flight date. In the meantime I've attached a recent photo of the two of us in the square where we met in Hamburg Germany .
See you soon, your loving daughter,
Sally.
***********************
SOME GOOD NEWS FOR MUM AND DAD
Dear Mom and Dad,
You'll be happy to hear that I've recently left my boyfriend Barack, I know that you didn't approve of him because of his
African-American race and the fact he was twenty-one years older than me and always wanted you so send money.
You'll be also pleased to know that I've met a nice American boy when I was in Germany . He has changed my life, I've never been more happy.
His name's Bill and he's just one year older than me. The extra good news is that we are both coming back to the United States next
month and he can't wait to meet you both. I'll call when I have a flight date. In the meantime I've attached a recent photo of the two of us in the square where we met in Hamburg Germany .
See you soon, your loving daughter,
Sally.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake as hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. ;He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. ;They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed —————– Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in the plants for the night. She shot him.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. ;He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. ;They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed —————– Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in the plants for the night. She shot him.
