Jokes
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Tiny
RECEIVED:Annoying Questions award
It's funny that I am in the middle of the Waist. Lands" the one with BLain and the riddles.
There is a joke in here from Eddie... Why did the dead baby cross the road.?
It's as old as the dark man himself...but I love it.
There is a joke in here from Eddie... Why did the dead baby cross the road.?
It's as old as the dark man himself...but I love it.
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn’t know what to call her, so we named her ‘Pussycat.’
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.
They love to hate each other, and constantly ‘snip’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. T he next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
‘Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more, and it’s finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!’ Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn’t know what to call her, so we named her ‘Pussycat.’
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.
They love to hate each other, and constantly ‘snip’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. T he next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
‘Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more, and it’s finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!’ Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Tiny
RECEIVED:Annoying Questions award
All most everyone knows the answer to my joke is
...because it was stapled to the chicken
...because it was stapled to the chicken
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
This was from a drummer....
A: Drool
This was from a drummer....
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was co...nfronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
An old man lived alone. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work and his only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply: “FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, Dad, don’t dig up the entire garden, that’s where I buried the money.” At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son’s reply was, “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do from here.”
Shortly, he received this reply: “FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, Dad, don’t dig up the entire garden, that’s where I buried the money.” At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son’s reply was, “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do from here.”
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool
This was from a drummer....
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
Or have we done that one already?
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
---------------
Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
A tattoo.
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What do a bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
---------------
Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them.
---------------
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
A tattoo.
---------------
What do a bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What do you call a bass player in a 3-piece suit?
The Defendant.
--------------
What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
The Defendant.
--------------
What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
The drummer version...
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to do it and 9 to complain that Neil Peart could do a better job
Yeah. I know a lot of musicians
This is either a lovely story or and ewie.
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
She answered — ‘THE TEETH.’
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
She answered — ‘THE TEETH.’
Somewhere close to Pennsylvania and West Virginia border a highway cop pulled over a car for speeding. He walked over to the car he pulled over and asked the driver why he was going so fast. The driver said: "I'm a circus performer, a juggler and I'm really running late for the show. Is there a way you could just let me go without a ticket?" The cop thought for a second and said: "I have 5 signal flares in the trunk of my cruiser. I'll light them up and I want you to juggle them for a couple of minutes. You do that without dropping a single one, I'll let you go." The driver agreed, so the cop brought the signal flares, lit them and the driver started juggling them next to his car on the shoulder of the highway. While he was doing that, a rusty POS pickup truck with West Virginia license plates pulled over behind the cop's car, a visibly drunk hillbilly driver got out, looked at the guy juggling signal flares for a few seconds and climbed right into the back seat of the cop's cruiser. The cop saw that, so he walked over to his car and asked the hillbilly what in the world he was doing. The hillbilly replied: "Just take me straight to jail, chief. There's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that test."
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud (with a smile).
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the backseat of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S.Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you still don’t know s**t about how working people make a living-or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud (with a smile).
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the backseat of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S.Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you still don’t know s**t about how working people make a living-or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95″.
The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, and one of Ken’s Friends
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95″.
The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, and one of Ken’s Friends
