How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?
- Ross Noble
- Ross Noble
Jokes
- Thread starter days be strange
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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Montreat.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
“You know“ he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”
Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”
The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”
The young trooper said, “Not, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur !!!!!
Dang Good Clean Jokes
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
“You know“ he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”
Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”
The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”
The young trooper said, “Not, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur !!!!!
Dang Good Clean Jokes
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
He Was Terrified When He Saw A Bear In The Woods, he wasn’t expecting this.
An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and sees a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”.
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident… Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very Well”, said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and sees a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”.
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident… Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very Well”, said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major ******* to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back.”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back.”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
Wallace wasn't watching where he was going and fell off a cliff.
He was lucky, though. There was a sturdy bush growing from the cliff wall and he grabbed it on his way past to arrest his fall. Yet still Wallace was in a predicament, for he could not climb back up the sheer cliff face and his strength was rapidly waning. So he called out:
"Help! Is there anybody up there?"
A gentle voice answered him.
"I am here, my son. I will help you."
"Who's that?" Wallace asked with bright hope.
"I am your Lord and Savior," the voice replied. "Let go your grasp and take mine, and I will raise you up."
Wallace thought about that for a bit. His grip was really weakening now, so he made up his mind and called out again:
"Is there anyone else up there?"
He was lucky, though. There was a sturdy bush growing from the cliff wall and he grabbed it on his way past to arrest his fall. Yet still Wallace was in a predicament, for he could not climb back up the sheer cliff face and his strength was rapidly waning. So he called out:
"Help! Is there anybody up there?"
A gentle voice answered him.
"I am here, my son. I will help you."
"Who's that?" Wallace asked with bright hope.
"I am your Lord and Savior," the voice replied. "Let go your grasp and take mine, and I will raise you up."
Wallace thought about that for a bit. His grip was really weakening now, so he made up his mind and called out again:
"Is there anyone else up there?"
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!!
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do". He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
"Well, I'm in the bar next to that."
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do". He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
"Well, I'm in the bar next to that."
A chicken walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. The bartender serves it up and he downs it in one gulp. "Another!", the chicken says. The bartender, knowing there is a problem, serves the next drink and asks "What's up?". The chicken proceeds to tell him how his girlfriend of two years just broke up with him and she was seeing someone else on the side. The chicken continues to get more drunk and starts crying, bumping into things, and being a general nuisance. After a few hours and several more drinks he vomits all over the bar and the bartender says "That's enough! You're cut off! Go home!". The chicken starts toward the door and bangs into some tables, chairs, and customers. The bartender feels bad and says "Can I call you a cab?" The chicken says "No thanks, I just live across the road."
Now we know the real reason.
Now we know the real reason.
That was the answer I gave my 12 year old grandson when he asked me that perennial question. I guess I wrote my first joke! I'm usually much better at the verbal B.S.!
What a hoot!That was the answer I gave my 12 year old grandson when he asked me that perennial question. I guess I wrote my first joke! I'm usually much better at the verbal B.S.!
Young Timothy was not doing at all well in math at the public school. He was flunking, in fact, so his parents decided that he would go to the local Catholic School, which had a very good reputation. Some length of time went by and on his first report card, Timmy's parents were shocked to discover that their son was getting straight A's. When his parents asked him what had brought about this incredible improvement, he told them: "Well ... when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I figured they were pretty serious."
How to Bathe a Cat
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.