Jokes
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn….. and into the hole he gooooes.”
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted..and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted..and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
For our golfing Catholics, oh, and for anyone who loves a good laugh!
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Which fly was the cowboy?
The one on the stove - he was singing:
Home, Home on the range...
Home, Home on the range...
A gentleman has 50 yard line Super Bowl tickets. When he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No, it is empty. " "That is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat for the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, the seat belongs to me actually. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. " "Oh, I am sorry, that is terrible. But could you not find someone else. A friend, relative, or a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, They are all at the funeral."
Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, ‘Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, ‘Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Betty, Betty.’
‘Who is it’, asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘Betty — it’s me, Bertha.’
‘You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,’ insisted the voice.
‘Bertha! Where are you?’
‘In heaven,’ replied Bertha. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Betty.
‘The good news,’ Bertha said, ‘is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ said Betty. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’
‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’
True friends always come through.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, ‘Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, ‘Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Betty, Betty.’
‘Who is it’, asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘Betty — it’s me, Bertha.’
‘You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,’ insisted the voice.
‘Bertha! Where are you?’
‘In heaven,’ replied Bertha. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Betty.
‘The good news,’ Bertha said, ‘is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ said Betty. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’
‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’
True friends always come through.
Arkay Lynchpin
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
Arkay Lynchpin
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
A Northern Territory farm hand gets on the radio to the farmer.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a 30-30 Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back;
'I did what you said boss. Took the 30-30, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the farmer.
'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
'... You there Boss?'
.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a 30-30 Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back;
'I did what you said boss. Took the 30-30, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the farmer.
'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
'... You there Boss?'
.
I went into the confessional box after
years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine
Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of
the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's
been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I
must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it
used to be."
He replies: "Get out, you're on my side."
years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine
Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of
the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's
been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I
must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it
used to be."
He replies: "Get out, you're on my side."
Arkay Lynchpin
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
Two Texas rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a DPS roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, throw the bottles under the seat, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads.”
“What fer?”, asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the trooper said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”.
“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, throw the bottles under the seat, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads.”
“What fer?”, asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the trooper said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”.