Jokes

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Neesy

#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
May 24, 2012
61,289
239,271
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'.

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's

Miracle Grow
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
11154982_1063594553654066_6991267494525483770_o.jpg
 

Dana Jean

Dirty Pirate Hooker, The Return
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
53,634
236,697
The High Seas
I quite literally did this myself. At baseball tournaments, I walked into the monkey bars. I almost went down, a brief second of blackness, got a goose egg and my eye sockets were black within hours and stayed that way for over a month. I did not go to the doctor and to this day, I'm pretty sure I had a skull fracture.
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 

champ1966

Well-Known Member
Dec 3, 2011
4,008
10,840
58
Wakefield Yorkshire England
In honour of Sylvia Anderson.

Lady Penelope - 'Parker'

Parker - 'Yus M'lady'

LP - 'Take off my gloves'

P - 'Yus M'lady'

LP - 'Take off my dress'

P - 'Yus M'lady'

LP - 'Take off my panties'

P - 'Yis M'lady'

LP - 'And Parker'

P - 'Yus M'lady?'

'Don't let me catch you in my clothes again'
 

not_nadine

Comfortably Roont
Nov 19, 2011
29,655
139,785
Behind you
I quite literally did this myself. At baseball tournaments, I walked into the monkey bars. I almost went down, a brief second of blackness, got a goose egg and my eye sockets were black within hours and stayed that way for over a month. I did not go to the doctor and to this day, I'm pretty sure I had a skull fracture.

I did something like this too. Playing under-the-bleacher-tag.

Bongoooongggggh.

Got hospital at about 8 yrs old for that one. Yes. My very first concussion . :)
 
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Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to university:
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible
education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please
each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a
financial planner, each very successful financially. When their
father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they
remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his
pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into
his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
At the pearly gates again, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

St. Peter next greets the minister saying, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says St. Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Farmer Jack


Jack lived on a once quiet rural highway, but as the years passed by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at
a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've
got to do something about all these people driving so fast and
killing all my chickens," he said to the local
police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers.

The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John,

How's the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the
Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

'NUDIST COLONY' 'Slow down and watch for chicks!'
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
After my recent prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had,
the doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She asked...."Who Was That guy?"
 
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