Jokes

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Steffen

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2015
2,233
12,800
Guess this is as good a place as any to share my favourite bad joke.

Two guys are talking and one of them asks the other about his dog, who had been to the vet recently.

"Hey so how's your dog doing?"
"Yeah, he's doing okay. He's wearing glasses now."
"Don't bullsh*t me, dogs don't wear glasses."
"I'm telling you he does now."
"I was there just last week, how come I didn't see him wearing glasses then?"
"He only needs them for reading."

Hey, I told you it was bad.:)
 

Arkay Lynchpin

Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
Dec 4, 2015
1,648
8,854
56
Melbourne, Australia
  • The box said ‘Requires Windows Vista or better’. So I installed LINUX.

  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand it.

  • Unix is user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are.

  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.

  • My daily Unix command list: unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep.

  • Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something.
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.”

He continued, “Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!
 

fljoe0

Cantre Member
Apr 5, 2008
15,859
71,642
62
120 miles S of the Pancake/Waffle line
Guess this is as good a place as any to share my favourite bad joke.

Two guys are talking and one of them asks the other about his dog, who had been to the vet recently.

"Hey so how's your dog doing?"
"Yeah, he's doing okay. He's wearing glasses now."
"Don't bullsh*t me, dogs don't wear glasses."
"I'm telling you he does now."
"I was there just last week, how come I didn't see him wearing glasses then?"
"He only needs them for reading."

Hey, I told you it was bad.:)

And this reminds me of one of my favorite bad jokes



I have to wear my glasses when I pick up dog poop in the back yard because I can't see s*it without my glasses.
 

Spideyman

Uber Member
Jul 10, 2006
46,336
195,472
79
Just north of Duma Key
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.”

He continued, “Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
you-cant-control-everything-your-hair-was-put-on-your-head-to-remind-you-of-that.jpg
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Officer Has The Best Response When A Lawyer Tries To Defend His Guilty Client In Court

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the ‘Gestapo.’ So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, get in the middle of the guys face and say, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember you’re an *******!”

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he’s about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks: “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?”

Officer responds: “Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. ”

Attorney: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don’t normally make?”

Officer: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an ‘AH’, underlined.

Attorney: “What does the AH stand for, officer?”

Officer: “‘Aggressive” and ‘Hostile’, Sir”

Attorney: “‘Aggressive’ and ‘Hostile'”

Officer: “Yes Sir.”

Attorney: “Officer,,, are you sure it doesn’t stand for *******?”

Officer: “Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!”


http://trends.revcontent.com/click....fOQxSoyhh5COQtkW6E+WIsMiwIEVbvmZAr76d6weJmo9b
 

Blake

Deleted User
Feb 18, 2013
4,191
17,479
The thief entered the house via the second floor bedroom window. He flicked on his pen flashlight. He went through a child's bedroom then down a winding staircase. He was now in a huge living room. He licked his lips. He flashed the light on the Salvador Dali print. He started towards it. 'Jesus is watching you.' And the thief stopped. The thief shook his head.
The thief knew nobody was in the house. Imagination. And he started walking again.
'Jesus is watching you.' And the thief started trembling. He flicked the light around and there, in the corner was a bird cage with a parrot inside. And the thief laughed.
The thief walked over to the cage and said to the bird, 'What idiot family would call a parrot, Jesus?'
The parrot replied, 'My name's not Jesus, my name is Clarence.'
'So why you saying to me "Jesus, is watching?"'
'God your'e stupid,' said the bird, 'Jesus, our 130 pound rottweiler that's standing behind you.'
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
> A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

> Let us pray......................
>
> Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
> Give me the grace to see a joke,
> To get some humour out of life,
> And pass it on to other folk
 

Cheffie1983

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2016
125
581
40
Grandma and grandpa were staying with their family for Thanksgiving. As grandpa was getting ready for bed, he opened the medicine cabinet. Inside was a bottle of little blue pills, "son are these what I think they are? Can I have one?"

"They are, dad. But I think they might be a little too powerful for you. Besides, they're not cheap."

"Well, how much are they? I'll take one and leave the money under the pillow before we leave tomorrow."

"They're $10.00 a pill, dad. And yeah, ok."

The next morning the don goes in to get his money and finds $110. He quickly calls his dad, "Dad! I said the pills were $10, not $110!"

"I know, son. The $10 is from me. The $100 is from your mom."
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
John was told that a twin-engine plane would be waiting at the airport.

Arriving at the airport he spotted a plane warming up outside the hanger.

He jumped in, said ‘Lets go’.

The pilot taxied and took off.

Once in the air John told the pilot: ‘Fly low over the valley so I can take pictures of the fire on the hill’

Pilot : Why.?

John : Because I’m the photographer for a television show. I need to get some close up shots.

Pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered ‘So, what You’re telling me is . . . You’re not my flying instructor’?

The lesson? Always ask, never assume.
 

Cheffie1983

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2016
125
581
40
A lawyer was seated next to a blond on a flight from Folrida to Las Vegas. 10 minutes into the flight the blond says, "hey! Let's play a game! We will ask each other questions to see who knows more!"

The lawyer thinks about this for a moment and says "ok, but for every time I stump you, you owe me $5. For every time you stump me, I owe you $500. First question-how far is the moon from the Earth?"

The blond thinks about this and then hands the lawyer $5. "Ok, you got me. But what has 3 legs going uphill and 4 legs going back down?"

The lawyer is stumped. He pulls out his phone and starts asking everyone he knows. He even tried looking it up online. After 30 minutes of silence, the lawyer pulls out his wallet and hands over $500. "I just don't know. You win. But I gotta know, what was the answer?"

The blond looks at the lawyer and hands him $5.