Jokes

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Neesy

#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
May 24, 2012
61,289
239,271
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
597C6A85.jpg
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
SIGN ON A LOCKSMITH’S TRUCK:
We come out to let you in.

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE:
We will heel you,
We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you.


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.


On a Plumber's truck :
We repair what your husband fixed.


On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
Invite us to your next blowout.


On an Electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.


In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.


On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.


Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!


At the Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.


In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.


At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank Heaven for little grills.


In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.


And the best one for last:

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
An e-mail:

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.....................
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
 

Anni M

Beta-Tester */ Moderator
Moderator
Apr 12, 2006
4,790
1,704
A Canuck Guelphling
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to pee.'
The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
 

Anni M

Beta-Tester */ Moderator
Moderator
Apr 12, 2006
4,790
1,704
A Canuck Guelphling
OH, UNKEE, you so bad! :D :
---------------------------------------------
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
 

Anni M

Beta-Tester */ Moderator
Moderator
Apr 12, 2006
4,790
1,704
A Canuck Guelphling
One more, you lucky people! :eek: ~snort~ (I try to avoid political stuff, especially this year!)

Political Aphorisms
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~
 

Anni M

Beta-Tester */ Moderator
Moderator
Apr 12, 2006
4,790
1,704
A Canuck Guelphling
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"****!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and Claude was never invited there again.
 

Nomik

Carry on
Jun 19, 2016
3,973
22,555
47
Derry, NH
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"****!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and Claude was never invited there again.
:lol::biglove: