Jokes
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Beverly Hillbillies
Jethro Bodine: [explaining the plot of the movie Goldfinger] The bad guys was after Fort Knox, and if old naught naught seven hadn't taken a hand, the next time Uncle Sam needed gold, he'd a been milkin' a dry cow!
And...
Jed Clampett: You one of them double naught spies?
Mabel Slocum: No.
Jethro Bodine: They number girl spies different. She's what you call a 36-23-36.
Mabel Slocum: Actually, I'm in new accounts at the Merchants Bank. I'd like to talk to you about using our facilities as a repository for some of your enormous reserves.
Jed Clampett: Well I'll be glad to talk to you about that... um whatever it means.
Jethro Bodine: [explaining the plot of the movie Goldfinger] The bad guys was after Fort Knox, and if old naught naught seven hadn't taken a hand, the next time Uncle Sam needed gold, he'd a been milkin' a dry cow!
And...
Jed Clampett: You one of them double naught spies?
Mabel Slocum: No.
Jethro Bodine: They number girl spies different. She's what you call a 36-23-36.
Mabel Slocum: Actually, I'm in new accounts at the Merchants Bank. I'd like to talk to you about using our facilities as a repository for some of your enormous reserves.
Jed Clampett: Well I'll be glad to talk to you about that... um whatever it means.
My friend thinks he is so smart. He said onions are the only food that will make a person cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give us?
Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: What does a pig give us?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: What does a cow give us?
Kids: Homework!
Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: What does a pig give us?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: What does a cow give us?
Kids: Homework!
Never pick on the underdog....
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even after drinking so much.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! I Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo ed three times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckoo ed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckoo ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo ed twice more, and then tripped over the cat".
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even after drinking so much.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! I Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo ed three times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckoo ed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckoo ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo ed twice more, and then tripped over the cat".
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample as well as a urine sample from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He wants your underpants."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
