Speak Up or Shut Up?

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17021jude

Well-Known Member
Nov 12, 2009
394
1,915
Kansas
In relationship matters it's always best for me to keep silent, after all who am I to judge, my relationships haven't always turned out for the best either. Example "L" and I have been friends for 25 years, she married her college sweetheart, up until 3 years ago they had been married for almost 30 years. I married my high school sweetheart and our marriage fell to pieces four years later. I called "L" a few years back to arrange a girls day with her at the time she lived about 2 hours from me, we were only able to see one another when our schedules would allow. Over the phone she says she's filed for a divorce and that she'd found someone new, I said "you have to do what you have to do, I mean only you know the inside of your marriage, I support your decision no matter what." So I head down to "L" house a week later, at this point she's in the middle of her divorce and living with her mom, a real sweet pea of a lady, I was pretty excited to see "L" as we never have alot of time to spend together. "L" and I have some small talk, her mother was in another part of the house painting, then "L" tells me she has met someone new and goes on to tell me they worked/work together and that's how they met, and she loves him, there is an age difference he is younger than she, they are planning on getting married after her divorce is final....and oh by the way he's a registered sex offender. "L" goes on to say that he had taken a 13 year old girl he'd met on the internet across state lines and they baked cookies together, the cops showed up and arrested him...he didn't know she was only 13. "L" has only told me the story and her mom doesn't know. Oh, and one other thing is he is on the way over to have drinks and supper and wants to meet me. I said "NOTHING", I was shocked by the news...thinking who falls for a story like that? That he was only making her cookies....sure he was. That he didn't know she was 13....sure he didn't. But she was in love which translates into I have forgotten the face of my father and nothing anyone says to me will wake me up from this wonderful dream I'm having...yada yada you might as well be speaking to a wall when someone's in love. Well I darn sure didn't want to waste my time meeting this character, so I told "L" I needed to run I had my kids to get back to etc. That was the last time I saw "L", because I called her a month later and her, her man and her mother had been down to Florida to look at a house and they were all moving....from Kansas to Florida, just like that, when I asked her what made them decide on Florida "L" tells me her man has family down that way. She text me a month after that with a picture of their home, and their new address...and that's it...I didn't want my friendship with "L" to be on bad terms, so I said nothing, we now never talk anymore...what do you say now when you couldn't speak up before. What I think in my mind is their situation is bound to implode, and her mother is bound to find out eventually that she is living with a registered sex offender, "L" is bound to wake up some day and find that she fell for a lie. I'm glad I said nothing though, and I'll still be here in good old Kansas if **** hits the fan down in Florida and we can pick up our old friendship and carry on as before, and I'll say nothing then too.
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
When someone asks my opinion I will give it to them. So if you don't want to know, don't ask.
0d33c00d447017b09757710514aa20bd.jpg
 

Sigmund

Waiting in Uber.
Jan 3, 2010
13,979
44,046
In your mirror.
Hola!

Thank you all for your replies. Very cool. :blues:

I usually have a compact (with a mirror) in my pocket (I have oily skin. Kill me.) so if I have a co-worker with something unfortunate on their face I will take out my compact, hand it to them and say something like, "go like this" (make an action on my nose, eyes,or mouth) and I turn away for a few seconds. We pick up the conversation easy-peasy. Yay!

It's only a few times where I said something without thinking.Literally. I would have preferred to not have said it but I learned. ( A very unpleasant man was talking smack in the break room. Thinly veiled judgemental comments.) He stood up and said, "I have to go now." I heard a voice say, "Thank God." And I realized I had said it! :blush: I totally fixed it =D by saying, "Go WITH God". Have mercy.

The reason I started this thread:

Last week, some staff were at the front of the school waiting for buses/students to come in. We're there shooting the breeze...a staff (that I don't know well) came up and joined us. Another male staff member turned and said, "You smell of last nights margaritas. Or tequila shooters." I choked on my own spit. Had a coughing fit and tried to play it off. Ha!

So, if someone offers you a stick of gum or breath mint? (I'm paranoid. If anyone offers me gum or mint, I automatically think I have bad breath and offended them. BUT I do appreciate the hint. Thank you! )

On the cheating thing? No. Nope. I sincerely believe the spouse knows or suspects. It's up to him/her to do whatever they want. Or not.It's their thing.

Thank you all again!

Peace.
 

fljoe0

Cantre Member
Apr 5, 2008
15,859
71,642
62
120 miles S of the Pancake/Waffle line
Ok, here's a situation I'm wrestling with right now.

At my neighborhood Publix grocery store (where I've shopped for many years) last night, I was checking out and my cashier was a young guy that probably just got hired recently (I just started seeing him in the store a few weeks ago). I noticed he had some severe looking bruises on his neck that looked to me like strangulation bruises, one really nasty one where the thumb would go (on a right handed person) and one where the forefinger would go if someone would have tried to choke him. This kid looks to be about 16 and is smallish (maybe weighs 105-110 pounds). If I would have been in the line by myself, I would have asked him about it but the line was full of people and I didn't want to say anything in front of other people. I've gone to this store for years and know a few people well enough to talk to but there were not any of them around last night. So, my plan is to maybe ask one of the other younger guys that work there if this kid is in some kind of peril. This kid was wearing a Publix polo shirt and the bruises were a little behind the collar but he didn't appear to be trying to hide them and surely, other people at Publix must have noticed this. So, here's the million dollar question - what would you do? I kind of feel like I need to know whatever happened was dealt with or that someone he knows with is aware enough to call the police if needed. Should I ask one of the other people there about it?
 

Spideyman

Uber Member
Jul 10, 2006
46,336
195,472
79
Just north of Duma Key
Ok, here's a situation I'm wrestling with right now.

At my neighborhood Publix grocery store (where I've shopped for many years) last night, I was checking out and my cashier was a young guy that probably just got hired recently (I just started seeing him in the store a few weeks ago). I noticed he had some severe looking bruises on his neck that looked to me like strangulation bruises, one really nasty one where the thumb would go (on a right handed person) and one where the forefinger would go if someone would have tried to choke him. This kid looks to be about 16 and is smallish (maybe weighs 105-110 pounds). If I would have been in the line by myself, I would have asked him about it but the line was full of people and I didn't want to say anything in front of other people. I've gone to this store for years and know a few people well enough to talk to but there were not any of them around last night. So, my plan is to maybe ask one of the other younger guys that work there if this kid is in some kind of peril. This kid was wearing a Publix polo shirt and the bruises were a little behind the collar but he didn't appear to be trying to hide them and surely, other people at Publix must have noticed this. So, here's the million dollar question - what would you do? I kind of feel like I need to know whatever happened was dealt with or that someone he knows with is aware enough to call the police if needed. Should I ask one of the other people there about it?

Tricky situation. Same here with Publix employees I've know since store originally opened. Guess it comes down to better safe than sorry. If something were to happen to this young guy, and you had not inquired........ Find the employee you feel most comfortable with and approach with your concerns-- in confidence, if possible.
 

Dana Jean

Dirty Pirate Hooker, The Return
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
53,634
236,697
The High Seas
Tricky situation. Same here with Publix employees I've know since store originally opened. Guess it comes down to better safe than sorry. If something were to happen to this young guy, and you had not inquired........ Find the employee you feel most comfortable with and approach with your concerns-- in confidence, if possible.
I agree with Spidey. Find an employee you chat up often and inquire.
 

Doc Creed

Well-Known Member
Nov 18, 2015
17,221
82,822
47
United States
I've been in a few similar circumstances and I agree with you, it's better to speak without people around so as not to embarrass the person. In some situations you can gather some kind of rapport with them, just be friendly, or you could ask, "Hey, those are some serious wrestling souvenirs, big guy." You know what I mean, I'm sure you could be more direct and you'll know what to say when the time comes. Sometimes humor backfires, though, because people who have been abused are so good at using humor to deflect. In the end, it could be harmless and he may be more than happy to explain it but, like others have said, you'll be glad you said something.
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
Ok, here's a situation I'm wrestling with right now.

At my neighborhood Publix grocery store (where I've shopped for many years) last night, I was checking out and my cashier was a young guy that probably just got hired recently (I just started seeing him in the store a few weeks ago). I noticed he had some severe looking bruises on his neck that looked to me like strangulation bruises, one really nasty one where the thumb would go (on a right handed person) and one where the forefinger would go if someone would have tried to choke him. This kid looks to be about 16 and is smallish (maybe weighs 105-110 pounds). If I would have been in the line by myself, I would have asked him about it but the line was full of people and I didn't want to say anything in front of other people. I've gone to this store for years and know a few people well enough to talk to but there were not any of them around last night. So, my plan is to maybe ask one of the other younger guys that work there if this kid is in some kind of peril. This kid was wearing a Publix polo shirt and the bruises were a little behind the collar but he didn't appear to be trying to hide them and surely, other people at Publix must have noticed this. So, here's the million dollar question - what would you do? I kind of feel like I need to know whatever happened was dealt with or that someone he knows with is aware enough to call the police if needed. Should I ask one of the other people there about it?
...I’m with the others, talk to a couple of folks you know there-that would interact with this young man...he certainly fits the victim profile we have to be on the lookout for at the prison....
 

Lepplady

Chillin' since 2006
Nov 30, 2006
12,498
65,639
Red Stick
Good advice, all.

What I would probably do is slip the kid information about support he can seek. And I'd do it on the sly. Sometimes, (potential) victims are too embarassed to admit that there's anything wrong, or they feel guilty for the abuse, or simply aren't prepared to get help yet.

It might be too embarrassing and overwhelming for him to broadcast his situation to other people around him. Especially in the workplace. That might be the one safe place he feels he can go. If knowledge (or speculation) of the abuse were spead where he works, he might not even feel safe there.

Let's also not forget the remote possibility that the kid's into autoerotic asphyxiation for kinks and giggles.

It's noble to want to help, but without a clear understanding of what's really going on, we could do more harm than good.