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Walter Oobleck

Walter Oobleck

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Mar 6, 2013
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What say, Sheemiee...at least this one...that you provide the link on the previous page, works. Tried that other a time back and no go...could be me sometimes I am clueless. Need a child to show me the way. I started reading Dogs of War...and I wanted to be placed. Where are we in the larger scheme of things? I like how information comes to me as I read...I didn't read your description of what you had...read that after reading the first....15? paragraphs...so I learn the story is sci-fi...but I wanted to know my place. I'm on a...some kind of ship...but I'm not talking specific...I'm talkin general. Planet X. And as I'm reading...I like how bits and pieces of information come to me...this is a younger person. Chains...opening paragraph. I'm imagining video of Seal Team Six, the fast rubber boat skimming along...one guy flipping the waiting Seals up and over the side. Chains. An incredibly interesting item...but I wanted a tad more. Why chains? What chains? I have an idea of chains...or like the video of SEAL team maneuvers. Okay...then the sliding door...now I have a vision of a railroad car. And I don't believe, as I read further, that that was your intent. This is some kind of vehicle more advanced than a railroad car. There is a sense of...water...the protagonist is wet...why is he/she wet? Does the ship have a name? Okay...I see later that the gender can be determined...male.

I've said in other threads I've been reading a pile of John D MacDonald and in every story, the reader is located geographically in a place. General and specific...in Wine of the Dreamers...opening first sentence, we're in a gray sedan heading south through a New Mexico night. Place determines actions...specific place determines specific actions. You know what you have in the opening...but the reader does not know that yet. There's several "things" a reader could see there...a water-going vessel...or too, an air-traveling vessel. The dramatic opening is nice...I like the present tense...makes it so much easier to dip into the "past" and another location. I like the idea of translators. As I said...I like how bits and pieces of information are forth-coming as I read...but I think it would be so much better if you locate the reader with a place...be more clear on the type of vessel...and where that vessel is located. I'll read more when I have time. Best of luck with it. Thank you for sharing. The web is an incredible place to hang out and this hang out has a lot going for it.
 
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Walter Oobleck

Walter Oobleck

keeps coming back...or going, and going, and going
Mar 6, 2013
11,749
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Okay, Sheemie, I read the first part, chapter, whatever you're calling it. I'll put some thoughts in a spoiler, likes dislikes suggestions, so if anyone who has not read Sheemie's story and wishes to do so unimpeded by my thoughts, do not open the spoiler.

I was uncertain what kind of ship we had. The crocodile/alligator metaphor...in its death-throws...threw me off...that coupled with the wet adjective in one sentence. First time through, I wondered, train? then aircraft? then sailing vessel/ship? What? Later, that becomes clearer...so I'll leave it up to you to decide if that's how you want to keep it, but I would try to clean that up. I said above things about location, place, and... One, that could be designated in a story description, as further reading we get that Russianites...if I remember the word correctly. I don't think you need a whole paragraph designating place/location...but I'd like to be situated as such. Two...our main character is some sort of dog. That becomes clear as the telling progresses. I wish I had known that going into the story. So would that be something explained in a story description? Or a cover? One thought I had regarding that...and this could be used to relate place/location. The Russians sent a dog into space. Perhaps the hero of the story could have a thought about that dog...maybe these dogs were taught something about this specific dog in their training. Seems like a perfect opportunity to use that...whatever it is called...a nod, an allusion, a direct reference. Was the dog in that Sputnik? Maybe a reference to the ship, whatever kind of vessel it is, could be tied in to Sputnik or whatever it was the Russians sent skyward. Too, some readers could be alienated because you have a dog protagonist...the heck wid em I say...but maybe early on something could be worked in about the training....detail that a tad more...show the reader that this is a dog...or...something. What? Hmmm....I'm not sure. You probably have a better idea.

Likes: I like how an increasing number of conflicts are introduced...the old man Grumpy...the crash. I'm not sure the crash is explained well enough and maybe it doesn't need to be...there is that detail about the terrain being...I forget how you wrote it...but you get a sense of a crash landing. Okay...so nice...the conflicts that multiply...the old man...the other man at the crash...the beasts up in the hills. But the flags now...skins. Build some sympathy for our hero...those skins are more than that to him...they're names, they're his mates. Give us some names. I'm assuming there could be a number of explanations for the skin-flags?

I believe there could be times when all the information I say should be there, need not be there, so take it all with a grain of salt. I'd at a minimum try to clean it up as far as details about what kind of vessel we have there...and perhaps a bit more on why they crashed?

Keep plugging away! Two-thumbs up!

*by story description, I mean that little paragraph we get on the back of the jacket, or inside the jacket.
 
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SHEEMIEE

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Nov 15, 2010
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Walter Oobleck said:
Okay, Sheemie, I read the first part, chapter, whatever you're calling it. I'll put some thoughts in a spoiler, likes dislikes suggestions, so if anyone who has not read Sheemie's story and wishes to do so unimpeded by my thoughts, do not open the spoiler.

I was uncertain what kind of ship we had. The crocodile/alligator metaphor...in its death-throws...threw me off...that coupled with the wet adjective in one sentence. First time through, I wondered, train? then aircraft? then sailing vessel/ship? What? Later, that becomes clearer...so I'll leave it up to you to decide if that's how you want to keep it, but I would try to clean that up. I said above things about location, place, and... One, that could be designated in a story description, as further reading we get that Russianites...if I remember the word correctly. I don't think you need a whole paragraph designating place/location...but I'd like to be situated as such. Two...our main character is some sort of dog. That becomes clear as the telling progresses. I wish I had known that going into the story. So would that be something explained in a story description? Or a cover? One thought I had regarding that...and this could be used to relate place/location. The Russians sent a dog into space. Perhaps the hero of the story could have a thought about that dog...maybe these dogs were taught something about this specific dog in their training. Seems like a perfect opportunity to use that...whatever it is called...a nod, an allusion, a direct reference. Was the dog in that Sputnik? Maybe a reference to the ship, whatever kind of vessel it is, could be tied in to Sputnik or whatever it was the Russians sent skyward. Too, some readers could be alienated because you have a dog protagonist...the heck wid em I say...but maybe early on something could be worked in about the training....detail that a tad more...show the reader that this is a dog...or...something. What? Hmmm....I'm not sure. You probably have a better idea.

Likes: I like how an increasing number of conflicts are introduced...the old man Grumpy...the crash. I'm not sure the crash is explained well enough and maybe it doesn't need to be...there is that detail about the terrain being...I forget how you wrote it...but you get a sense of a crash landing. Okay...so nice...the conflicts that multiply...the old man...the other man at the crash...the beasts up in the hills. But the flags now...skins. Build some sympathy for our hero...those skins are more than that to him...they're names, they're his mates. Give us some names. I'm assuming there could be a number of explanations for the skin-flags?

I believe there could be times when all the information I say should be there, need not be there, so take it all with a grain of salt. I'd at a minimum try to clean it up as far as details about what kind of vessel we have there...and perhaps a bit more on why they crashed?

Keep plugging away! Two-thumbs up!

*by story description, I mean that little paragraph we get on the back of the jacket, or inside the jacket.
Click to expand...


hey bloke, hows the snow clearing and the painting going. did you grab the scribbles for the other part of the story?

jus wonderin.
 
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Walter Oobleck

Walter Oobleck

keeps coming back...or going, and going, and going
Mar 6, 2013
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Hi Sheemiee...what say! No! I didn't see the scribbles. I'm sorry. Check my photo for an explanation. I'd looked again...or the first time, recently...because you wrote something before that led me to believe something else is available. I would like to see more but often I need to be lead by the nose...and if you squeeze hard you might get a .50-cent piece...at least others have gained wealth that way. Show me the way.

Did get the one room primed, painted. Doing the walls I see all these imperfections. Drives me nuts. Don't ask me to post pics. Got the last of the baseboard down yesterday and I have one mulled double hung to case out...didn't have enough casing so I had to get some, stain and varnish it. Spot painted the next room and have two windows to case out there, breakfast nook. Then I move upstairs, have a room up there to paint. The snow is an on-going battle but we're over the hump. Got a call yesterday, too, for some work and either today or tomorrow I need to go measure that job for an estimate...previous customer...and there's a day's work with windows and another day or two blocking out one door...or three, cutting in a door where a window is now. Old mining shack in Tamarack...Mills...City now, as the mills are gone, just eight concrete bases where the stamp-heads were and a ninth that has the stamp-head in place.

Is there a link in this thread? I thought I clicked on something and the way was...something...didn't get there, anyway. I'll see if I can find the path.
 
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Walter Oobleck

Walter Oobleck

keeps coming back...or going, and going, and going
Mar 6, 2013
11,749
34,805
Okay...the link at #33 on page two says "This writing is currently unpublished." In a blue box on an almost-all white page...in a white room! with black curtains!
 
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