The worst present I ever got on my birthday...

[Neesy]

I have been debating on whether to post this or not. Yet, it is with a heavy heart that I do so now. Perhaps I am seeking a catharsis. I will say that I feel comfortable sharing things like this here amongst you for some reason. It is the genuine support and love that makes it so.

Yesterday was my birthday as many of you know and wished me so. The high from that was great and I felt the love oozing like so much toothpaste on a warm day. I went home feeling loved and reflecting on my life journey. But let me back up just bit. About 3:30 in the morning yesterday I woke up for no apparent reason and couldn't get back to sleep at first. I watched some TV and read for a bit and finally fell back to sleep around 5. I was very uneasy feeling. I can't explain exactly why, and honestly I didn't give it much thought at the time.

So i get home from work yesterday evening. My wife and I had our 2 youngest kids coming back from summer trips to Oklahoma and California. One was coming in at 7:30 and one at 10:30. So we were preparing to go to the car and leave when my wife's face turned white and she started crying. Rarely have I seen this look on her face in the many years we've been together, so it immediately worried me. She had just seen, on f*cking facebook of all damn places, that a VERY close and dear friend had passed away.

She was the wife of the bass player in my former band and who is also a very close friend I've known for 30 years. His family are very close with ours and it is through this family that my wife and I met. But, the deceased friend I have known longer than my wife even. I'd known her since she was 11 or 12 years old. We had a long history together. She was there when our band started, when we toured, when we recorded our albums and also many, many other times. We were very close. Hell, we all were.

When my wife was pregnant with our 16 year old, she was pregnant with her first child. They were born 5 days apart. When my wife was pregnant with our youngest, she was pregnant again too. This time the kids were 2 weeks apart. So they were pregnant together twice. They were our closest couple friends and we shared many nights of laughter, crying and sometimes anger. I am just trying to stress, we were very close.

When my 16 year old went back to Tulsa for 3 weeks this last month, she stayed with them for a week of that time and she took her daughters and mine to see a concert and stay a weekend having fun in Oklahoma City. My daughter was just at their house 3 days ago.

This couple had some issues with abusing pills after one had surgery a few years ago and had turned that corner and gotten back on track. She had also been diagnosed as bipolar in her teen years, but she controlled it and after having kids, the change in hormones seem to diminish it even further. She hadn't had any manic episodes in well over 10 years. Recently, her and her hubby had had some issues and he had gone to stay with his brother while they worked things out. He had just returned home last week and they were pushing through the problems. We had just talked to her a few days ago and she was saddened, but very hopeful and positive about where things were going.

Wednesday night they got into a fight again however and the hubby had said he felt it best to leave again and try to step back a bit to resolve their issues. She was very upset by this and proceeded to take what was described as a marge quantity of her Xanax prescription. Distraught, she left and started walking through their neighborhood at around 1AM, Tulsa time. When she hadn't returned in an hour, the hubby and their 2 daughters got worried and got in their car and searched for her. Once before she had left upset like that and walked to friend's house a mile or so away. Because of this, when they couldn't find her in their neighborhood, they texted and called her and said they'd come pick her up in the morning so she could cool down and decompress. They returned home and went to bed.

Around 8AM yesterday morning, a neighbor of their was driving to work and stopped in horror. From a large tree in their neighborhood, they found the body of my close and dear friend, hanging and dead. Sometime after 2:45 AM EST she had decided to end her life and hung herself. The time is known because her last post of facebook was at that time. Even more heart wrenching is it was a post about Robin Williams' suicide and a statement he had made about feeling all alone versus being all alone.

She was a wonderful human being. She was great mother with 2 smart and beautiful daughters. She was a god and faithful wife. She was a good and faithful friend. She was a shoulder to cry on. She had been there for me when my wife and I were fighting sometimes. She was there for my wife when she had close relatives die. They were there together as young beautiful mothers. We had crazy parties together when we were younger and had many stories we would NEVER tell our children. In short, she was FAMILY. Not just a friend. FAMILY.

I am crying as I type this and I feel the weight of the world crushing my broken heart right now. She was so young and absolutely gorgeous. In her 35 years she touched many loves and put smiles on the faces of all who knew her. She was a quality soul that genuinely loved others and always had a happy thought, word or deed. It crushes me to know she was so sad inside and I was right there and couldn't help. Why did she do this? I just can't answer that. Nothing makes sense right now.

The reality of it has truly set in this morning and I am honestly a bit of a wreck. I am trying to work, but find myself unable to do so. And I hate myself for being so selfish. So selfish that I am wrapped up in my own heart when her husband, kids and family are so wounded right now. But I can't keep this in. I have to grieve or it it's going to overwhelm me. I realize now that from this point until I take my last breath, I will always remember one of my closest friends took her life on my birthday. I will never, ever be able to look at it or celebrate it the same way. In short I am just heartbroken right now and can't fully express how truly awful I feel.

Her name was Emily and she was 35 years old. I love you Emily and will always have a hole in my heart for you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

That is so awful. Sincere sympathy to all who loved her. May she rest in peace (((hossenpepper)))

 

[morgan]

My heart is breaking for you. I lost someone in a similar way years ago who was also bipolar. Words mean little, yet love and compassion are being sent your way. Hug your family and feel the love that is being poured out to you. Sometimes that's all we can do...

 

[skimom2]

I've been thinking about you today, Hoss. Are you coping? I wish I could make the next few days whisk by in a heartbeat, my friend. How is your wife?

 

[mustangclaire]

What everyone said. (((((Hoss and friends)))))

 

[Blake]

January, 1986. Me and my school buddy-Andrew Dunn-we were driving up Oxford Street to go to a party. I was driving. I was in the inside lane and this car come's blurring past on our right. I saw this guy on the medium strip step out to run across the road. It was like in slow motion. The other car hit him. I saw him flying through the air, his pizza that he was carrying flying also. He landed about 4 metres away. We stopped. The ambulance turns up and the cops, and they interview me in front of the guy who hit him, who gives a different version of events to what I saw. He's looking at me like he wants to kill me. I never found out about if the guy that got hit lived, but the sound.

 

[niro]

(((Hoss)))

 

[hossenpepper]

Thanks again everyone. we spent the weekend distracting ourselves and staying busy. The kids started school today, so there was plenty to do.

Today is the viewing and tomorrow the funeral. I tried to figure a way I could make it, but it just isn't in the cards. I don't know anyone with a private jet willing to take me so I am out of luck. So far everyone seems to be OK on my end and the family is still in shock. I guess all we can do is take another breath, put a foot forward and keep living. What else is there in these times?

 

[skimom2]

Thanks again everyone. we spent the weekend distracting ourselves and staying busy. The kids started school today, so there was plenty to do.

Today is the viewing and tomorrow the funeral. I tried to figure a way I could make it, but it just isn't in the cards. I don't know anyone with a private jet willing to take me so I am out of luck. So far everyone seems to be OK on my end and the family is still in shock. I guess all we can do is take another breath, put a foot forward and keep living. What else is there in these times?

Fake it until you're really okay(ish). Like you said, what else can you do? Life moves on, and it gets easier to bear.

 

[FlakeNoir]

Thanks again everyone. we spent the weekend distracting ourselves and staying busy. The kids started school today, so there was plenty to do.

Today is the viewing and tomorrow the funeral. I tried to figure a way I could make it, but it just isn't in the cards. I don't know anyone with a private jet willing to take me so I am out of luck. So far everyone seems to be OK on my end and the family is still in shock. I guess all we can do is take another breath, put a foot forward and keep living. What else is there in these times?

Will be thinking of (((you all.)))

 

[do1you9love?]

(((Hoss))) Praying for peace for you all.

 

[hossenpepper]

Thanks all. Her funeral just ended. We were able to send a nice stand spray of flowers with a ribbon that said "Beloved Friend". We also included a card with a personal message to her husband and kids. I am trying to move on now with just my good memories of her and keep her spirit alive in us with our love for her. Again, the support you've all shown has been a nice soft place to come and land these last few days. It means more than you can know.

And now I hope for and call out to some of our Ka-tet already in spirit to help guide Emily into the clearing and to find the peace, love and rest she so deserves. Goodbye sweet friend. Thank you for being you.

 

[BeverleyMarsh]

Your initial post came as really quite a shock for me I have to say (my name is Emily, and I'm 35) and I have been thinking about her ever since. I'm hoping you, yours and her family find the strength to cope. I'm sending lots love and good vibes your way.

 

[blunthead]

Thanks again everyone. we spent the weekend distracting ourselves and staying busy. The kids started school today, so there was plenty to do.

Today is the viewing and tomorrow the funeral. I tried to figure a way I could make it, but it just isn't in the cards. I don't know anyone with a private jet willing to take me so I am out of luck. So far everyone seems to be OK on my end and the family is still in shock. I guess all we can do is take another breath, put a foot forward and keep living. What else is there in these times?

One day at a time, hoss. It's a process. Take your time. The SKMB will be here for you.

 

[FlakeNoir]

Thanks all. Her funeral just ended. We were able to send a nice stand spray of flowers with a ribbon that said "Beloved Friend". We also included a card with a personal message to her husband and kids. I am trying to move on now with just my good memories of her and keep her spirit alive in us with our love for her. Again, the support you've all shown has been a nice soft place to come and land these last few days. It means more than you can know.

And now I hope for and call out to some of our Ka-tet already in spirit to help guide Emily into the clearing and to find the peace, love and rest she so deserves. Goodbye sweet friend. Thank you for being you.

Thank you for checking in... (((Hoss.)))
*Rest well, Emily*

 

[Kurben]

Just saw your post. (((((Hoss)))) What can one say when words are not enough? But know that we here on the board are thinking of you and sending good wishes. May Emily rest in peace.

 

[Haunted]

((((Hoss))))

 

[Terry B]

((((Hoss and family))))

 

[Autumn Gust]

One day at a time, hoss. It's a process. Take your time. The SKMB will be here for you.

"Time heals what reason cannot."

-Seneca

 

[Blonde Bombshell]

 

[Spideyman]

Emily will be well met in the clearing by our eternal members. ((((Hoss))))