Connor's Writing Log

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Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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andrews zauzer.jpg
Here's an image of the antagonist of Alphaboy. My best friend made it through Photoshop, using an image of Jean-Claude Van Damme as a base. I may actually use this as my avatar.
 
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Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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I feel terrible today. In fact, I've been feeling terrible all week. I can barely put words on the screen. It's going to suck anyways. Why do I even bother? I might as well give up and get a job at McDonald's. Maybe I'll take up drinking and be dead of alcohol poisoning by the time I'm thirty. I don't have what it takes. Survival of the fittest.
 
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Pucker

We all have it coming, kid
May 9, 2010
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Maybe I'll take up drinking and be dead of alcohol poisoning by the time I'm thirty.

Not nearly as "romantic" as it sounds (and takes longer than you think). You're going to have to trust me on this.

Whenever I get stuck somewhere and it looks like I'm going nowhere, I write limericks -- although I didn't write this one.

The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she'll slip to the slums and quickly become
Disorderly, drunk and obscene


Either that or climb a mountain.
Climbing mountains always works for me.
 

Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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Like I said, I don't have what it takes. I never did. Never even had a chance in my life. I should've just been aborted, and no one would have to deal with me. I'm surprised I survived my suicide attempt in senior year of high school. I could've done everyone a huge favor.
 
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Dana Jean

Dirty Pirate Hooker, The Return
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Apr 11, 2006
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Like I said, I don't have what it takes. I never did. Never even had a chance in my life. I should've just been aborted, and no one would have to deal with me. I'm surprised I survived my suicide attempt in senior year of high school. I could've done everyone a huge favor.
Connor! No! You are a valuable important person. Call someone. You need to talk and vent and rant and rave and be angry -- but not at yourself. Call a local hotline, please. They will be able to help you. Never let others make you feel so low that you don't think you are worth fighting for. Know you are Connor.
 

blunthead

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Aug 2, 2006
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I feel terrible today. In fact, I've been feeling terrible all week. I can barely put words on the screen. It's going to suck anyways. Why do I even bother? I might as well give up and get a job at McDonald's. Maybe I'll take up drinking and be dead of alcohol poisoning by the time I'm thirty. I don't have what it takes. Survival of the fittest.

Like I said, I don't have what it takes. I never did. Never even had a chance in my life. I should've just been aborted, and no one would have to deal with me. I'm surprised I survived my suicide attempt in senior year of high school. I could've done everyone a huge favor.
I've read your posts in this thread and it's fairly obvious to me that you're a melancholy temperament, which assures that you're an exert procrastinator due to your unreasonable need to be perfect. Maybe it will make you feel a little better to know that lots of people struggle as you do, many of whom are artists but also many who do all kinds of other things for a living.

I feel that if I were a successful writer, and by that I don't necessarily mean financially successful, I'd feel more comfortable referring to my own experiences with writing in this post; nevertheless, I will say that the only serious writing I've ever managed has been as a part of a group of people writing a story together. Boble Drew brought up this idea in the thread a while back and I know it worked for me, for a while anyway.

Procrastination is a mind game we play either with or against ourselves. Those of us diseased with it succeed in getting anything done only when we change our thinking pattern from dread to looking ahead. If I were you I'd try entering into the writing assignment, or the paying-the-bills assignment, for instance, looking forward to how I was going to feel after making some progress, after paying a bill - to replace the negative thinking I was used to using with more positive thinking. This same strategy is used by people who have any kind of chronic destructive behavior: focus on replacing the destructive behavior with a less destructive one.

Also, I hear you coming down on yourself pretty heavily. I assume you're in school as well as trying to write stories. I think that combo of duties can be very difficult, especially for a perfectionist, and in terms of mental labor much more than a full-time job. In fact, I've always said that to be a good student one must abandon any type of normal lifestyle for as long as it takes to finish the class.

So, maybe consider looking at the writing assignment you've given yourself as more like fun than a duty, and realize that what you're trying to do inescapably takes much self-discipline, and one must way costs. Maybe now while you're in school is not the right time to try to write much, or at least consider making the writing a clear second in terms of your primary duties. That way you can manage your time most reasonably, realistically, and comfortably.
 

blunthead

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Aug 2, 2006
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And please call a hotline, trusted friend or family member and just talk
Yes, I was just going to add to please get some perspective by talking to someone. The SKMB is here but we're also not professionals at listening and knowing how best to respond. Please don't try to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution.
 

Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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I see that a thread once dedicated to my writing is becoming tainted by my misery. It infects virtually everything I put my mind to, and other people can sense it. With severe depression, you feel trapped under rubble. It's painful. It's one of the most oppressive things you can think of.
 
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Connor B

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Here's a teaser poster of sorts for Redesigning Eva that I made pretty quickly in MS Paint. I hope to get to the second draft sometime.
Redesigning Eva teaser.png
RATED R.
 
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danie

I am whatever you say I am.
Feb 26, 2008
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I see that a thread once dedicated to my writing is becoming tainted by my misery. It infects virtually everything I put my mind to, and other people can sense it. With severe depression, you feel trapped under rubble. It's painful. It's one of the most oppressive things you can think of.
Connor, you will make it out someday.
I've been there. I'm better now.
Keep writing. Keep finding things about yourself to like.
 

Connor B

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I'm not sure if I have mentioned this, but I do know a movie director, Albert Pyun. I'm not kidding. He's been making low-budget and independent features since the early 1980's. I'm contemplating writing a script for him, but considering his battles with multiple sclerosis, it can't be anything too expensive. He mainly sticks to shooting in studio or with greenscreen; he doesn't do much on-location stuff. I'm so busy with algebra right now that I haven't gotten a lot done.
 

Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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I'm also kicking around ideas for a script to write for a certain redheaded actress, the one in my avatar. Oh wait, I mentioned that already. Silly me.
 

Connor B

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Did you know she's now remaking herself as a jazz singer? She came to Bangor back in 2013 to do a performance at one of the universities.
I am aware of her dabbling in jazz. She's actually pretty good. She claimed in an interview a couple of years ago that she wants to direct, but nothing has come of it. I guess she's just barely scraping together the funds to shoot guerilla-style; let's face it, no Hollywood studio, major or minor, is going to let her get behind a camera because of name value. She's going to have to prove herself.
 

Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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Why am I even bothering writing? I've written only two lousy pages on my typewriter today. I don't have what it takes. I should just give up permanently. I'm a freak. Nothing I do will be of any significance. Guys like me a waste of sperm, a cancerous blight on the gene pool.
 

Moderator

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Why am I even bothering writing? I've written only two lousy pages on my typewriter today. I don't have what it takes. I should just give up permanently. I'm a freak. Nothing I do will be of any significance. Guys like me a waste of sperm, a cancerous blight on the gene pool.
Sounds like you're being a little too hard on yourself. Even Steve has days when the writing doesn't come easily. I can't tell you how many times he's said to me over the years that he was having a hard time or that he wasn't sure it was any good. Keep at it--practice is what will help you become better. You can think of it as a learning experience by seeing what didn't work for you with this project and how you could do it differently the next time.
 

summer_sky

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Oct 15, 2015
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Connor, sometimes, making an outline of thoughts helps me.
Or, put a different idea/sentence/phrase on individual index cards or sheets of paper and then arrange those cards/papers (thoughts) in an order that begins to resemble the beginnings of a cohesive concept.
Good Luck! Do not give up easily.
 

Connor B

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May 24, 2015
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Sounds like you're being a little too hard on yourself. Even Steve has days when the writing doesn't come easily. I can't tell you how many times he's said to me over the years that he was having a hard time or that he wasn't sure it was any good. Keep at it--practice is what will help you become better. You can think of it as a learning experience by seeing what didn't work for you with this project and how you could do it differently the next time.
I guess blunthead was right. I do have a melancholy temperament. It doesn't just affect my writing. I have difficultly even getting up in the morning. My family always asks me if I'm alright, and I lie to them that I am. I have problems deciding what to do, and 90% of the time, I don't know what to type in my posts here. I feel sluggish, every single day. I can barely bring myself to practice, because I am afraid my efforts, no matter how marginal, won't yield any results.
Connor, sometimes, making an outline of thoughts helps me.
Or, put a different idea/sentence/phrase on individual index cards or sheets of paper and then arrange those cards/papers (thoughts) in an order that begins to resemble the beginnings of a cohesive concept.
Good Luck! Do not give up easily.
I like to consider myself more of a "pantser" than a planner. I feel better when my stories naturally come out of me.