Favorite Quotes of Dave Barry
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For the guys: Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
For the girls: Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
For your political discussions: I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
For the girls: Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
For your political discussions: I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
Nice...
I love me some Dave. He and I will be married some day. He doesn't know that of course, but it is destiny.
No, I don't hardly ever go to his site (I don't like the format), but I do adore him. When he meets me someday, he will adore me too.Dave has a STALKER!
Houdini in Omaha
About the Rock Bottom Remainders:
"We play music as well as Metallica writes novels."
"We are not technically skilled. A dominant theme of our music stylings is the sound of panicked voices yelling, 'What chord is this?'"
"Recently I played lead guitar in a rock band, and the rhythm guitarist was - not that I wish to drop names - Stephen King."
"Because of our advanced age, we're currently scheduling the late-night hotel brawls for 6 p.m. Also, we're paying surrogates to brawl for us."
"I picked up one of the two guitars I'd been using, and just as we were about to start, Stephen King tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'We have a special guest.' I turned around, and there was Bruce Springsteen. I still don't know how he came to be at this convention; I don't believe he's a bookseller. All I know is, he was picking up the other guitar. My guitar. 'Bruce,' I said to him. 'Do you know the guitar part to Gloria?' This is like asking James Michener if he knows how to write his name."
"We play music as well as Metallica writes novels."
"We are not technically skilled. A dominant theme of our music stylings is the sound of panicked voices yelling, 'What chord is this?'"
"Recently I played lead guitar in a rock band, and the rhythm guitarist was - not that I wish to drop names - Stephen King."
"Because of our advanced age, we're currently scheduling the late-night hotel brawls for 6 p.m. Also, we're paying surrogates to brawl for us."
"I picked up one of the two guitars I'd been using, and just as we were about to start, Stephen King tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'We have a special guest.' I turned around, and there was Bruce Springsteen. I still don't know how he came to be at this convention; I don't believe he's a bookseller. All I know is, he was picking up the other guitar. My guitar. 'Bruce,' I said to him. 'Do you know the guitar part to Gloria?' This is like asking James Michener if he knows how to write his name."
Dave, you may now consider yerself forewarned.
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
I've read his stuff for years. I don't know any quotes offhand but I think he is funny as all heck!