Jokes

[days be strange]

Just resurrecting one of my favorite threads...


Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbor's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, so I'm burying him." replied young Sally. "Oh that's tragic. I'm very sorry for your loss. But why are you digging such a big hole for your goldfish?". "Because your goddamn cat ate it!"

 

[kingzeppelin]

Halloween Party Aftermath.

A couple had been invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all.
As her husband did not know what costume she was going to wear, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he soon left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the hot new arrival.
She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!"

 

[Out of Order]

 

[kingzeppelin]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

Spoiler

God chuckles, “Everybody knows Jesus saves.”

 

[FlakeNoir]

Very good.

 

[days be strange]

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effortlessly. The man responded, "I grew up on a farm in Missouri, I am used to physical labor like this."

In an effort to amplify the mans suffering, the devil made it extremely hot and walked up to the man who was still easily smashing the rocks. When asked how he was doing it, the man responded, "I grew up on a farm in Missouri, I am used to extreme heat like this."

Not enjoying his apparent failure of distributing pain and suffering to this man, the devil made it downpour with rain and gale force winds. Thinking this surely will do it, the devil walked up to the man who was working with even more grace than before.. Shocked at this sight, the devil asked how he was doing it and the man responded, "I grew up on a farm in Missouri, I am used to tornadoes and extreme storms like these."

In a final attempt to make this man suffer, the devil made it extremely cold. He walked toward the man thinking this surely will get him and he saw the man was actually dancing around and celebrating! Shocked beyond belief, the devil asked him what the hell he was celebrating about. The man joyfully responded "Well, hell froze over! The Chiefs must have won the Super Bowl!"

 

[days be strange]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[kingzeppelin]

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in Management.”
“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

Spoiler

“Well”, says the man, “you do not know where you are, or where you are going, you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same position you were before we met, but now it is all my fault!”

 

[Anni M]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price...

 

[Anni M]

*snort*

 

[kingzeppelin]

If this has been posted before my apologies,

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And if you had a 3-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You’d be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut – you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue,
A web was a spider’s home,
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head,
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

[kingzeppelin]

An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the hooker.
“Ah,” said the architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”
“What are you getting at....God?” The hooker asked.
“And was He not the Divine Architect of the Universe?” The architect asked, looking smug.
The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up.
“And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”
“Darkness and chaos,” the hooker said.

Spoiler

“And who do you think created chaos?” the programmer said.

 

[fljoe0]

George Carlin:

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

What year did Jesus think it was?

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f** hatreds!

 

[Anni M]

From Unkee Bob!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that “their” ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that “their” ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.

One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.
Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, doesn't it?

 

[Anni M]

On a cute note---

 

[days be strange]

 

[Dana Jean]

beautiful face.

 

[Anni M]

Another Unkee Bob Joke du Jour!
------------------------------------------------------
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to This club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts torub herself all Over him and says..."Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and Storms out of the club.Vernfollows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps inBeside her.Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'SFUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

 

[kingzeppelin]

From Unkee Bob!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that “their” ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that “their” ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.

One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.
Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, doesn't it?

 

[Anni M]

One more--we have some catching up to do!
Smart Ass Answers Countdown
********************************
SMART AZZ ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..

'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART AZZ ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'

SMART AZZ ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART AZZ ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

SMART AZZ ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'

And finally:

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.