Jokes

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fljoe0

Cantre Member
Apr 5, 2008
15,859
71,642
62
120 miles S of the Pancake/Waffle line
Covid jokes

Yeah, I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.

The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die, I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.
 

wolfphoenix

She-Wolf finally Risen and Strapping On.
Apr 24, 2019
2,919
17,451
57
Frank likes this one.....

What did the sadist say to the masochist,
when the masochist came runnin' up to him and begged,
"Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oh pleeeaaase hurt me!?"

The sadist looked at the masochist lovingly and smiling sighed......."Noooo."
 

Out of Order

Sign of the Times
Feb 9, 2011
29,007
162,154
New Hampster
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
 

wolfphoenix

She-Wolf finally Risen and Strapping On.
Apr 24, 2019
2,919
17,451
57
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
......& clyde goes .....ROFLMAO
 

Neesy

#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
May 24, 2012
61,289
239,271
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Halloween Party Aftermath.

A couple had been invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all.
As her husband did not know what costume she was going to wear, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he soon left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the hot new arrival.
She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!"
Wow - this is from November 2013.

I used to have great conversations with kingzeppelin

He hasn't been here in five years - I hope he is okay!
 

mal

content
Jun 23, 2007
4,714
27,243
61
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Warped humour from Anthony Jeselnik…(paraphrased)

Just the other day my cell rang and I got the best news of my life. I had never felt so happy and at peace. Right then my cellphone rang again, it was my mother telling me that my dad had just passed away. I said..."Yeah...I just heard."
 

Notaro

Stark Raving Normal
Mar 23, 2007
1,135
7,321
58
Dublin/Ireland
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says the 7 year old "I think it's time we started swearing, when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first then you". "OK"says the 4 year old. Mom asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have the coco pops bitch" WHACK.....He flies out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mom looks at the 4 year old and says sternly " And what do you want? " "I dunno but it won't be fu*king coco pops".