Jokes

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Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
 

Neesy

#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
May 24, 2012
61,289
239,271
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
snigloo.jpg
 

Charms7

Just Happy To Be Here
Sep 6, 2007
4,751
6,535
72
Katy, TX *USA
I used to believe the brain was the most important organ in the human body. Then I asked myself, "What makes me think that?"

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!


The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.


So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Q: Why don’t you ever see pink elephants hiding in trees?
A: Because they’re really good at it.
 

Mel217

Well-Known Member
Mar 10, 2017
904
5,756
A blonde decides to dye her hair brown. She goes into Wal-Mart and looks at the hair dye and is appalled that they want $25 for one little bottle of hair dye. Fuming, she wanders around the store and comes across the paint section. Laughing, she picks out a gallon can of brown paint for less than $20. Smugly, she marches through the store, and says out loud "I'll show them who's dumb! I can get, like, 20 times the amount of brown hair dye in this can for less money than I'd spend on that one little bottle. I'm so smart!!" As she's saying this, she passes another blonde who thinks "what a moron. Idiot blonds like that give us all a bad name. Doesn't she know you have to prime first?"

OK lame but still. Made ME laugh :D
 

mal

content
Jun 23, 2007
4,714
27,243
61
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Bad Stephen King Joke.

Little Billy was with his mother and they were at a toy store.
They looked at model vehicles and little Billy said "More trucky...more trucky".
They looked at board games and little Billy said "More Monopoly...more Monopoly".
They looked at the N scale model locomotive setups but to get there they had to go out back, cross a windfall, and climb a bit of a hill and little Billy said "More trainy...more trainy".
(I made this up and, while typing it down I realized how stupid it is but am posting anyway).
 

AnnaMarie

Well-Known Member
Feb 16, 2012
7,068
29,564
Other
WOW!!!!!!!! Only in Attawapiskat .....You will not believe what happened this evening...
We went into the MKS to pay for gas as I was walking in the store. I noticed this NAPS officer on duty watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas..I saw her & thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy?!! With NAPS right there too?!"
But anyways, I go inside and pay. I check out, I hear someone screaming..
I looked out & the woman's arm was on fire!!
She was ever swinging her arm & running around going crazy!
I hurried outside to "assist" the NAPS who had put her on the ground & was putting the fire out with his drink!!
He then put handcuffs on her & threw her in the vehicle, I was thinking "what kind of person smokes near a gas pump?!" But being the inquisitive person that I am, I asked the NAPS what he was charging her with...
He looked me square in the eyes & said ...
"WAVING A FIRE-ARM!"
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