Jokes

[osnafrank]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession both and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"​

 

[Spideyman]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.​

​

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.​

​

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."​

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."​

Boy - "I have a baseball."​

Man - "That's nice."​

Boy - "Want to buy it?"​

Man - "No, thanks."​

Boy - "My dad's outside."​

Man - "OK, how much?"​

Boy - "$250."​

​

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.​

​

Boy - "It's dark in here."​

Man - "Yes, it is."​

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."​

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"​

Boy - "$750."​

Man - "Fine."​

​

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."​

​

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."​

​

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"​

​

The son says "$1,000."​

​

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."​

​

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession both and he closes the door.​

​

The boy says, "It's dark in here."​

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"​

 

[mal]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To go to the idiots' house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
It's me...the chicken!

My grand-daughter told me this one. I didn't even see it coming.

 

[Spideyman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To go to the idiots' house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
It's me...the chicken!

My grand-daughter told me this one. I didn't even see it coming.

 

[doowopgirl]

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!!!!

 

[Wayoftheredpanda]

My favorite will probably always be,

"Hi! I'm Micheal spelt with a B and I'm afraid of insects"
"Wait, where's the B?"
"There's a bee!?"

 

[fljoe0]

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries
and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one
half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted
out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to
eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they
were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came
to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal
for the old couple. The old man said they were just
fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old
woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face
neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over
to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting
for?"


And She answered

Spoiler

The Teeth

 

[cat in a bag]

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries
and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one
half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted
out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to
eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they
were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came
to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal
for the old couple. The old man said they were just
fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old
woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face
neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over
to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting
for?"


And She answered

Spoiler

The Teeth

 

[osnafrank]

Robert Pattinson is the new Batman...................

 

[GNTLGNT]

Robert Pattinson is the new Batman...................

 

[Wayoftheredpanda]

I need to kill of a few characters in the book I’m writing

Spoiler

It certainly would spice up my autobiography a fair bit

 

[mal]

I hired a firm to write my autobiography.

 

[osnafrank]

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

 

[Doc Creed]

I need to kill of a few characters in the book I’m writing

Spoiler

It certainly would spice up my autobiography a fair bit

 

[Doc Creed]

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

LOL...here's a little riff on that joke:

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books on paranoia. The librarian backs up and says, "Who sent you?!"

 

[FlakeNoir]

LOL...here's a little riff on that joke:

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books on paranoia. The librarian backs up and says, "Who sent you?!"

 

[GNTLGNT]

 

[fljoe0]

Husband and wife in the bathroom:

Wife: "Look at me! I'm not what I'm used to be. I'm getting new wrinkles. My breasts start hanging down. And now, I also got cellulite…"

Husband: "Oh, don't worry honey. Your eyes are still allright."

 

[fljoe0]

I saved up for months to buy a special limited edition thesaurus. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I was.

 

[mal]

I saw this on another site...

Q. Why are Stephen King books so hard to understand?

A. There are too many Maine characters!