1) Have you ever been in Jail, or have you been charged with a misdemeanor and been put on a good behavior bond? Every time I ever got in jail it was on account of something I did when I was drinking (or had just finished drinking). I did get misdemeanor assault once. $300 in court costs and a year's probation for sending an e-mail, if you can believe that. Here's a tip, fellas, in case you didn't already know: Judges believe everything women say.
2) Have you ever assaulted/insulted someone for being rude to you, or a friend/relative of yours? Well . . . this was drinking me again, but yeah. In those days I was more likely to be assaulted than to actually assault. I've always had something of a smart mouth and the drinking would tend to remove any filter there might be, so insults were often 10 cents for 12, but for all that I don't remember a lot of violence. When I was very young -- 21 or 22 maybe -- I did get physical with two kids who had crashed a party my sister was having. Nothing legal ever came of it, which was probably good for me, as I believe those kids might have been minors.
3) Would you murder someone if you knew you would get away with it? If I thought someone needed killing bad enough and I was the only one to do it, I would not consider whether or not I could get away with it. Murder is just a word, but the sad fact is, most people aren't worth the powder it would take. Incidentally, I caught the last hour of The Dead Zone on GRIT this weekend. That movie holds up really well, I think.
4) Do you give money to a charity? Yes, but I am more likely to donate food to a shelter or equipment to a boys or girls club or something like that. You want to be careful donating money. Research well and know where the money will actually go.
5) Have you met someone famous? I got to have lunch with Arnold Palmer once, when I was covering sports on the Florida Gulf Coast. That was the day I learned that it's not polite to ask golfers how they shot that day.
6) What do you hate most about yourself? Hate is a strong word, but I wish I was more courageous about certain things.
7) Have you ever been a substance abuser? Well . . . abuse is a funny word. I'm a drunk. I'll say that. In fact, we're supposed to say it (although I don't follow all the rules). I toyed with cocaine back when I was a kid and even now don't think you'll hurt yourself too bad with the weed, unless you're utterly hopeless. All things in moderation. I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before.
8) Have you ever seen a ghost? I don't know. Sometimes I think I see one every day. But other times I'm not so sure. I see people who evoke the memories of those long gone. That happens all the time Does that count?
9) When you were a little boy/girl, was there a toy that you were fascinated with? For my 12th birthday my father bought me a brand new baseball glove for which he paid the princely sum of $26 (this was in the dim, dead year of 1973). To that point, I had always had hand-me-downs, but I made the all-star team that year and dad was proud. I mention the $26 dollars because back then my dad had an old Ford Falcon in the dooryard for which he had paid only $25. "Take care of this glove, Pucker," he said to me then. "It cost more than my car." That, and of course, my favorite Teddy bear, Gil.
10) If you were walking in a National Park, say in Maine, Canada, or Sweden, and a brown bear suddenly appeared in front of you, would you run the other way, or curl up into a ball on the ground, so the bear can sniff your ass? Whatever you do, don't run away. Very bad idea. People who know about such things say you should make yourself as "big" as possible, but I have it on good authority from my Tlingit friends in Alaska that if you speak respectably to a bear, he will at least consider what you have to say before eating you.
11) Have you ever been to see a shrink? Oh my, yes. Would you like to know how I "feel" about it? Listen to this. You'll love this: When I was at Hazelden my primary councilor -- seeing how I worked so hard to keep people at a distance -- prescribed what he called "hug therapy" for me. Part of my homework each week was to try to remember to hug five people. I never did that homework. I thought it was stupid. Who the hell am I suppose to hug? In any case, when I was "graduating" they let me make a little speech and then I went around the room shaking hands and saying goodbyes and when I got to this guy, John, who had been my counselor, I went to give him a hug and you could see how uncomfortable it made him. Now, John wasn't a "shrink" per se, he was a counselor who also happened to be a recovering drug user. I found it most instructive, thought, that the thing he gave me to work on was the thing he needed work on.
12) Can you speak another language? I can speak and understand enough Spanish to get by here in the United States (for now) and I know how to say "I can't speak . . . " in French, German, Italian and Porutgese. So there's that.
13) Is there something that you thought you’ve done but can’t remember where or when you did it? I could have sworn I left my keys right in the dish on the counter when I came ho, but when I go to find them, they're not there. Don't you hate that?