The worst present I ever got on my birthday...

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Sundrop

Sunny the Great & Wonderful
Jun 12, 2008
28,520
156,619
(((((((Hoss))))))) I am so very sorry for the loss of Emily. I am also sorry that I don't know of anything I can do or say that will help to ease the pain or
the grief you are feeling. I'm sending you and your family and Emily's family all the love and light that I can.
Please know that you are loved. ♥
 

hossenpepper

Don't worry. I have a permit!!!
Feb 5, 2010
12,897
32,897
Wonderland Avenue
Please everyone, just take some time to give an extra hug and kiss to your loved ones tonight. If not just because, then to honor the memory of a truly good person who has left this world as a little less loving place with her passing. Also, if you get the urge to check on someone, do it. Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when that 2 minute call or message or check in might set someone back on a clear path. I had been thinking about her a bit lately and didn't call and say hi like I planned. That is drilling a hole right through my gut right now. Maybe a friendly voice would've helped. I can't say for sure and my logic tells me these kinds of thoughts are futile. But my heart weeps and swells with the pain of what we really are as people. Passion is what paints the grey lifeless world with the love and laughter and the experience that is being human. And today, my passion is taking a serious hit.

Just thank you all again for letting me share my pain and helping me with the love and positive vibes I can feel radiating to me. And cherish your love and those that love you. It's what makes life worth living.
 

hipmamajen

Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess.
Apr 4, 2008
4,650
6,090
Colorado
Oh, no. I am so sorry.

I wish I had some magical words or a wand that could fix everything, but I don't.

Let yourself grieve. Let yourself be a wreck, as much and as often as you need to. The loss of such a close friend is incredibly difficult, and you will all need each other's help.

Please feel free to talk here as much as you need to, and I am here to listen any time.
 

hossenpepper

Don't worry. I have a permit!!!
Feb 5, 2010
12,897
32,897
Wonderland Avenue
Another thing I wanted to add to this is my wife's history. Her father committed suicide when she was 14. Her dad's brother committed suicide in 2004. We also had 2 other friends that did this in the past 10 years or so. Suicide is a very touchy and personal subject with us and to have another one is just hard to comprehend right now.

Again, don't ignore that urge to check on a friend or loved one. It really can be the difference between life and death.
 

FlakeNoir

Original Kiwi© SKMB®
Moderator
Apr 11, 2006
44,082
175,641
New Zealand
Please everyone, just take some time to give an extra hug and kiss to your loved ones tonight. If not just because, then to honor the memory of a truly good person who has left this world as a little less loving place with her passing. Also, if you get the urge to check on someone, do it. Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when that 2 minute call or message or check in might set someone back on a clear path. I had been thinking about her a bit lately and didn't call and say hi like I planned. That is drilling a hole right through my gut right now. Maybe a friendly voice would've helped. I can't say for sure and my logic tells me these kinds of thoughts are futile. But my heart weeps and swells with the pain of what we really are as people. Passion is what paints the grey lifeless world with the love and laughter and the experience that is being human. And today, my passion is taking a serious hit.

Just thank you all again for letting me share my pain and helping me with the love and positive vibes I can feel radiating to me. And cherish your love and those that love you. It's what makes life worth living.
(((Hon))), don't take that on yourself--I think once people get to this point, what others can do to change it is probably very little. Try to take some solace in that you gave her much during those years. I'm so sorry, guy.
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
...for Emily....

candle-6.gif
 

Autumnlyn

BOOYA!
Feb 12, 2009
1,125
1,157
Far Nor Cal
I have been debating on whether to post this or not. Yet, it is with a heavy heart that I do so now. Perhaps I am seeking a catharsis. I will say that I feel comfortable sharing things like this here amongst you for some reason. It is the genuine support and love that makes it so.

Yesterday was my birthday as many of you know and wished me so. The high from that was great and I felt the love oozing like so much toothpaste on a warm day. I went home feeling loved and reflecting on my life journey. But let me back up just bit. About 3:30 in the morning yesterday I woke up for no apparent reason and couldn't get back to sleep at first. I watched some TV and read for a bit and finally fell back to sleep around 5. I was very uneasy feeling. I can't explain exactly why, and honestly I didn't give it much thought at the time.

So i get home from work yesterday evening. My wife and I had our 2 youngest kids coming back from summer trips to Oklahoma and California. One was coming in at 7:30 and one at 10:30. So we were preparing to go to the car and leave when my wife's face turned white and she started crying. Rarely have I seen this look on her face in the many years we've been together, so it immediately worried me. She had just seen, on f*cking facebook of all damn places, that a VERY close and dear friend had passed away.

She was the wife of the bass player in my former band and who is also a very close friend I've known for 30 years. His family are very close with ours and it is through this family that my wife and I met. But, the deceased friend I have known longer than my wife even. I'd known her since she was 11 or 12 years old. We had a long history together. She was there when our band started, when we toured, when we recorded our albums and also many, many other times. We were very close. Hell, we all were.

When my wife was pregnant with our 16 year old, she was pregnant with her first child. They were born 5 days apart. When my wife was pregnant with our youngest, she was pregnant again too. This time the kids were 2 weeks apart. So they were pregnant together twice. They were our closest couple friends and we shared many nights of laughter, crying and sometimes anger. I am just trying to stress, we were very close.

When my 16 year old went back to Tulsa for 3 weeks this last month, she stayed with them for a week of that time and she took her daughters and mine to see a concert and stay a weekend having fun in Oklahoma City. My daughter was just at their house 3 days ago.

This couple had some issues with abusing pills after one had surgery a few years ago and had turned that corner and gotten back on track. She had also been diagnosed as bipolar in her teen years, but she controlled it and after having kids, the change in hormones seem to diminish it even further. She hadn't had any manic episodes in well over 10 years. Recently, her and her hubby had had some issues and he had gone to stay with his brother while they worked things out. He had just returned home last week and they were pushing through the problems. We had just talked to her a few days ago and she was saddened, but very hopeful and positive about where things were going.

Wednesday night they got into a fight again however and the hubby had said he felt it best to leave again and try to step back a bit to resolve their issues. She was very upset by this and proceeded to take what was described as a marge quantity of her Xanax prescription. Distraught, she left and started walking through their neighborhood at around 1AM, Tulsa time. When she hadn't returned in an hour, the hubby and their 2 daughters got worried and got in their car and searched for her. Once before she had left upset like that and walked to friend's house a mile or so away. Because of this, when they couldn't find her in their neighborhood, they texted and called her and said they'd come pick her up in the morning so she could cool down and decompress. They returned home and went to bed.

Around 8AM yesterday morning, a neighbor of their was driving to work and stopped in horror. From a large tree in their neighborhood, they found the body of my close and dear friend, hanging and dead. Sometime after 2:45 AM EST she had decided to end her life and hung herself. The time is known because her last post of facebook was at that time. Even more heart wrenching is it was a post about Robin Williams' suicide and a statement he had made about feeling all alone versus being all alone.

She was a wonderful human being. She was great mother with 2 smart and beautiful daughters. She was a god and faithful wife. She was a good and faithful friend. She was a shoulder to cry on. She had been there for me when my wife and I were fighting sometimes. She was there for my wife when she had close relatives die. They were there together as young beautiful mothers. We had crazy parties together when we were younger and had many stories we would NEVER tell our children. In short, she was FAMILY. Not just a friend. FAMILY.

I am crying as I type this and I feel the weight of the world crushing my broken heart right now. She was so young and absolutely gorgeous. In her 35 years she touched many loves and put smiles on the faces of all who knew her. She was a quality soul that genuinely loved others and always had a happy thought, word or deed. It crushes me to know she was so sad inside and I was right there and couldn't help. Why did she do this? I just can't answer that. Nothing makes sense right now.

The reality of it has truly set in this morning and I am honestly a bit of a wreck. I am trying to work, but find myself unable to do so. And I hate myself for being so selfish. So selfish that I am wrapped up in my own heart when her husband, kids and family are so wounded right now. But I can't keep this in. I have to grieve or it it's going to overwhelm me. I realize now that from this point until I take my last breath, I will always remember one of my closest friends took her life on my birthday. I will never, ever be able to look at it or celebrate it the same way. In short I am just heartbroken right now and can't fully express how truly awful I feel.

Her name was Emily and she was 35 years old. I love you Emily and will always have a hole in my heart for you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I have no words. The outpouring of your heart has left me speechless. All I can say is my heart breaks for your family and Emilys. Your daughter must be having a hell of a time, as she was just there. Please let her know (and you too you big teddy bear) there are faceless internet friends that are sending her love.
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
Please everyone, just take some time to give an extra hug and kiss to your loved ones tonight. If not just because, then to honor the memory of a truly good person who has left this world as a little less loving place with her passing. Also, if you get the urge to check on someone, do it. Don't ignore that feeling. You never know when that 2 minute call or message or check in might set someone back on a clear path. I had been thinking about her a bit lately and didn't call and say hi like I planned. That is drilling a hole right through my gut right now. Maybe a friendly voice would've helped. I can't say for sure and my logic tells me these kinds of thoughts are futile. But my heart weeps and swells with the pain of what we really are as people. Passion is what paints the grey lifeless world with the love and laughter and the experience that is being human. And today, my passion is taking a serious hit.

Just thank you all again for letting me share my pain and helping me with the love and positive vibes I can feel radiating to me. And cherish your love and those that love you. It's what makes life worth living.
(((Hon))), don't take that on yourself--I think once people get to this point, what others can do to change it is probably very little. Try to take some solace in that you gave her much during those years. I'm so sorry, guy.
Flake is correct, usually the individual has already explored every option they can conceive of before they make the decision. Intellectually, I think you think this, but emotionally, nothing about what's happened is acceptable, especially in light of other such events in yours and your family's personal lives. I just don't want you to feel worse, thinking by your not calling this thing has happened. I don't believe that's the truth.

(((((hoss and family)))))