What would you advise?

[Sigmund]

Good Tuesday afternoon.

I saw this and was wondering what you guys would advise.

My 85-year-old mother told me that upon her death she is leaving each of her children a letter expressing to them how they have hurt her throughout the years. Never once has she acknowledged how deeply she has hurt us. It affected our childhood and adulthood. I think if she feels we hurt her, she should say it to us while she’s living. It has always been about Mom’s needs, not ours. I, for one, plan to put her unopened letter in her coffin to be buried with her when the time comes. Her letter is just a final hurtful arrow to stab us with, and I already have had a lifetime of that. I don’t need her to damage me further. Am I wrong? Normally parents leave heartwarming letters to give their children peace.

Your answer?

Thank you!

 

[pegasus216]

I think I would do what you are thinking of doing, Siggy. Or just burn it without reading it.
What did you say to her when she told you about the letters?

 

[danie]

Good Tuesday afternoon.

I saw this and was wondering what you guys would advise.

My 85-year-old mother told me that upon her death she is leaving each of her children a letter expressing to them how they have hurt her throughout the years. Never once has she acknowledged how deeply she has hurt us. It affected our childhood and adulthood. I think if she feels we hurt her, she should say it to us while she’s living. It has always been about Mom’s needs, not ours. I, for one, plan to put her unopened letter in her coffin to be buried with her when the time comes. Her letter is just a final hurtful arrow to stab us with, and I already have had a lifetime of that. I don’t need her to damage me further. Am I wrong? Normally parents leave heartwarming letters to give their children peace.

Your answer?

Thank you!

Sigs, I assumed this wasn't your mother because you wrote you "saw this." If my mother told me that, I'd say, "Well, I've got a letter for you to read," and proceed to let her know all the ways she was a great mom (maybe there are a few), and the ways I tried to be a good kid. Forgiveness, for your own sake, is important to live an unburdened life.

 

[Sigmund]

I think I would do what you are thinking of doing, Siggy. Or just burn it without reading it.
What did you say to her when she told you about the letters?

Hey, Good Looking.

I beg your pardon. I didn't make myself clear. This is not about me (not my mother). This is a question I saw elsewhere.

Thanks Ms. Mary.

 

[Dana Jean]

Well, before I destroyed it, I would make sure it contained no valuable photo or deed or picture or important legal paper. THe personal words--tough. I wouldn't want to read it, but I think I would.

For 6 years, I have been praying that I would find some note tucked away for me from my mom. But, my fantasy is always that it is a note of love and letting me know that I was important to her. I would be devastated to find a nasty note. It would kill me.

 

[KingAHolic]

Good Tuesday afternoon.

I saw this and was wondering what you guys would advise.

My 85-year-old mother told me that upon her death she is leaving each of her children a letter expressing to them how they have hurt her throughout the years. Never once has she acknowledged how deeply she has hurt us. It affected our childhood and adulthood. I think if she feels we hurt her, she should say it to us while she’s living. It has always been about Mom’s needs, not ours. I, for one, plan to put her unopened letter in her coffin to be buried with her when the time comes. Her letter is just a final hurtful arrow to stab us with, and I already have had a lifetime of that. I don’t need her to damage me further. Am I wrong? Normally parents leave heartwarming letters to give their children peace.

Your answer?

Thank you!

sounds to me like she's not dead yet, right? I would ask her to just tell me now instead of waiting for the letter after she is gone. Maybe emotional reparations can be made before she dies......

 

[Grandpa]

I'd probably read it. My mom said some weird things to me and tried to be hurtful at the time, but if they weren't correct, I didn't let them hurt me. I'd feel the same about the letter.

However, if I were a person who felt emotionally abused or manipulated and felt that the letter was one last attempt to manipulate me, then the action that this person is proposing may have some sound therapeutic value. You know, "She tried to get me one last time, and I didn't let her."

Mostly, though, this person should not let the malice of others control how she feels.