kingricefan asked me to post this April Fool's items.
Hey, guys, I thought you might get a chuckle out of what Powell's Books of Portland, OR posted today! Here ya go:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Lotte Buchs
lotte.buchs@powells.com
POWELL’S BOOKS ANNOUNCES FINAL CANDIDATES FOR SECOND HEADQUARTERS
April 1, 2018 (Portland, OR) — Powell’s Books reviewed 4,118 proposals from diverse localities eager to host the company’s second headquarters. Today, Powell’s announced that it has chosen the following five proposals to move into the final phase of the selection process:
Derry, Maine
"We'll be frank: Derry has had its setbacks. There was the tragic Easter Sunday explosion back in 1906. And the slew of horrific deaths in the ’50s, and again in the ’80s, capped off by the flood of 1985 that wiped out much of our historic district. But just as independent bookstores have thrived despite shapeshifting competition, Derry too has endured. Some of our town’s bragging points: Our violent crime rate is at an all-time low of 21.6.
* Our sewage system is among the best in the country. And our low cost of living will appeal to the most penny-wise bankroller. Please consider Derry for your second headquarters; we will welcome you with balloons and big, toothy smiles." —
Alice Denbrough, City Planning Office
*Per 100 people
The Great Green Room
"In the great green room
We have a telephone
And a red balloon
But no industry to speak of —
Since the dot-com boom." —
The Three Little Bears Sitting on Chairs
Verona, Italy
"From forth the fatal loins of our city,
We seek to birth new mercantile gain,
Turn death-mark’d love to dog-eared book, and thus
Move to poetry from the arms of pain.
No tax will we enforce, nor conditions
Ask — save a sword-sharp plea that must be met,
Though Mab or Friar or Servant be fair,
Thou canst not hire from House Capulet." —
M. Montague, Attendant to the Prince
Llareggub, Wales
"Please humbly chew on the bodacious bid our cacophony of cantankerous council has put forth for Powell’s to moor on Llareggub — its successor none the lesser. A mass of boastful buoyants — jolted from their slumber — and ruckus revenants — tethered to this mystic tumulus — are titillated to join your bookish brood. Don’t be landlocked by our insipid opposition. Listen! Snap, crackle, pop of waves wuthering against the wondrous blue welkin provide an open passage for the pedantic. Captain Cat, a solicitous seaman, surveys the safe journey of your precious cargo — never to make the haunting misguided mistakes of yore." —
Rev. Eli Jenkins, Religious Council
(dull all
regular righteous
comfortable) unworlds
"my mind is orangeripe, and as vast as maybe
come inside
swimfloatdrifting
set your head(quarters) down among
my (notionful becomingly aprilgreen &
utterly sparkle donkey Balloonman) thoughts
It
is
nice
in here." —
crazy blue jay)
Thank you to all 4,118 communities who submitted proposals! It was difficult selecting just five, as all the proposals showed excellent potential to expand into previously unexplored markets. Runners-up include the Mill on the Floss, Tralfamadore, and the Island of Dr. Moreau.
In the coming months, Powell’s will continue to work with the candidates to explore the benefits of future partnership. Powell’s expects to make a final decision in 2019.
ABOUT POWELL’S BOOKS
Powell's is an independent bookseller serving Portland, Oregon, since 1971.
