When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Jokes
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A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop owner if he can buy a parakeet. The shop owner says sure, and retrieves a parakeet from a walk in aviary full of birds. The man says "no, I don't want that one, I want THAT one" and points to the little bird sitting at the tip top of the aviary, several feet into the air. The shop owner says "sir, they're all the same" and the man insists that the owner retrieve that specific bird. Frustrated, the owner asks "you're really going to make me climb up there and chase that bird around? They're all the same!" The man replies, "If you get me the bird that I want I'll pay for him what I paid for my turkey." The owner thinks it over for a moment, then gets a ladder and climbs up after the parakeet. He spends a few minutes chasing him around, catches him in a small cage and hands him to the customer. He says, "There you are, sir. Now...how much did you pay for that turkey, anyways?" to which the man promptly responds "seventy-nine cents a pound. Now weigh him."
The shorter the person, the funkier a crowded elevator smells.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark rom.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
I've discovered I scream in the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or there's a large piece of seaweed wrapped around my leg.
To steal from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark rom.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
I've discovered I scream in the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or there's a large piece of seaweed wrapped around my leg.
To steal from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
*steals this line to share with the computer guy next time this thing needs a tune up*
THE LIGHT TURNED ORANGE
The light turned yellow, just in front of him in downtown Indianapolis. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup while braking hard.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the 'chrome-plated Christian fish emblem' on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Priceless.
The light turned yellow, just in front of him in downtown Indianapolis. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup while braking hard.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the 'chrome-plated Christian fish emblem' on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Priceless.
BAHAHA!!! (Or should I say..."baaaah"-hahaha?)
A woman notices her elderly dog has become hard of hearing. She takes the dog to the vet and the vet discovers the dog has a build up of hair in the ear canal. He tells her to go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" and rub it into the dogs ears to get the hair out. The woman goes to the pharmacy and gets the Nair, and the pharmacist tells her that if she's planning to use it on her underarms, not to wear deodorant for a few days. The woman replies, "I'm not using it on my underarms," and the pharmacist interjects, "If you're using it on your legs, don't attempt to shave them for a week or so." Annoyed, the woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs. If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer," and the pharmacist immediately says "stay off your bike for a week."
Arkay Lynchpin
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
Arkay Lynchpin
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
<< this guy's trying too
Arkay Lynchpin
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
"It is very complicated, but also beautiful. Like a Swiss watch or Chinese algebra written on the wing of a dove."
^^ Actual response when asked "what do you think of the new medicare drug plans." I am dying.
^^ Actual response when asked "what do you think of the new medicare drug plans." I am dying.
True or False:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
False. A bird in the hand makes it almost impossible to blow your nose.