Jokes

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Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway
but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raised his club,
the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward
the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and
kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out
over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces
off a truck and hits a nearby tree.

From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into
the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the
aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the
water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large
bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.

As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway
but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raised his club,
the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward
the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and
kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out
over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces
off a truck and hits a nearby tree.

From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into
the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the
aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the
water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large
bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.

As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."
:lol:
 

niro

Well-Known Member
Apr 5, 2013
2,434
14,206
Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway
but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raised his club,
the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward
the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and
kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out
over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces
off a truck and hits a nearby tree.

From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into
the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the
aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the
water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large
bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.

As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."

:rofl:
 

GNTLGNT

The idiot is IN
Jun 15, 2007
87,651
358,754
62
Cambridge, Ohio
Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 

Arkay Lynchpin

Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
Dec 4, 2015
1,648
8,854
56
Melbourne, Australia
tumblr_najg4ooDd11qb5gkjo1_1280.png
 

Mel217

Well-Known Member
Mar 10, 2017
904
5,756
Got any good jokes? I'd love to hear them, because I love telling them at work!

Here's one of my favorites:

Years ago in a small town, a hypnotist stopped by. The entire town was enthralled with him, so he agreed to do a demonstration that evening at town hall. Everyone in town came to see the demonstration. The hypnotist took the stage, sat down, and told the audience, "When I take my pocket watch out and move it back and forth, you will all be under my command and will do exactly what I say." The hypnotist removed his pocket watch, began moving it back and forth, and everyone in the audience immediately fell under his spell; their eyes shut and their heads drooped. Satisfied, the hypnotist went to put the pocket watch back in his jacket and accidentally dropped it onto the floor. Without thinking, he said "oh, s****!"...

....it took them 3 weeks to clean the auditorium.
::P
 

Kurben

The Fool on the Hill
Apr 12, 2014
9,682
65,192
59
sweden
The Young man went to an opera with his mother for the first time. Everything was new to him.
After awhile asked he asked: Why is that man threating the woman with that little stick?
The mother answered: He isn't threatening her, he is directing the orchestra.
The young man was silent for a minute and then said: But then why is she yelling so loud?