Hipmamajen? Who's that?

[GNTLGNT]

I'm so sorry, please don't feel bad in any way. I dropped the ball, hard. And I didn't explain why to anyone when I did.

When I offered to help, I wasn't in this mess. I mean, I was, but it wasn't nearly this bad. I didn't have any reason to think I'd fall off the tracks partway through. So, I did start with all thoughts of being helpful. I wanted you to know that. I'm not normally a flake, and I hate that I've turned into this person. Hate this!

So, please, you didn't do anything or say anything to make me disappear. You are awesome, and have been nothing but kind and understanding this whole time about dealing with my quirks and the way I manage things (in the best of times!)

I owe you a giant apology. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you thought I was angry or upset, although I totally should have. I'm sorry for making you worry, and I'm sorry for flaking out and for the radio silence. I'm sorry for the work you've no doubt picked up in my absence, and for any that is upcoming because I'm pretty sure I am not going to be dependable for that either. I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away when things started getting weird on my end, because I know that the communication would have saved a lot of headache and heartache on your end.

Thank you for the patience and kindness you've shown this whole time, and for being the gracious man that you are. I wish I had better words to express myself, but I hope that I've been able to share the basics with you here.

Thank you, it's not your fault, I'm so sorry.

...thank you for that, and I love you...you need to realize I care deeply...no worries, Grandpa is helping as he can...again remember there's much love here and I will help you anyway I can...

 

[GNTLGNT]

what do you mean? I have a cooch, I have the power.

....I just swallowed my tongue.....

 

[GNTLGNT]

No sully! No! It all had a smooth transition.


The Jen bone's connected to the, SK bone,
the SK bone's connected to the, Fly bone,
the fly bone's connected to the cooch bone
Now hear the word of ka tet.....

....and what a creative way to work "bone" and "cooch" into the same sentence....

 

[HollyGolightly]

No sully! No! It all had a smooth transition.


The Jen bone's connected to the, SK bone,
the SK bone's connected to the, Fly bone,
the fly bone's connected to the cooch bone
Now hear the word of ka tet.....

Perfect! Very smooth.

 

[kingricefan]

Perfect! Very smooth.

TWSS!!!!!

 

[HollyGolightly]

TWSS!!!!!

you and Scott and deej on a roll always makes my tears roll down my legs! Y'all would be great pub crawling buddies. Come visit!

 

[ghost19]

Out of Order and GNTLGNT
((((you guys!!!!)))) Is anyone ever going to fund that SKMB island where we all live off the land and love and just hang out and grow vegetables and drink beer and grill pork (and vegetables for morgan) and read for a living? I'm thinking bungalows accessible by swinging bridges. It'd be great. If I ever win the lottery I'll do this for all of us.

You're going to need security in this utopia. Can I go ahead and put in resume?

 

[Neesy]

Hey guys! Two days in a row I got messaged on Facebook by SKMB people, and I thought that must mean something..... Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts!

The last time I spoke to GNTLGNT, I told him, "I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone." Well, except Facebook where I pretend like things are pretty decent so my family doesn't catch on. Facebook Jen is my secret alter-ego, she doesn't go places any more than I do, but she puts on makeup sometimes and posts photos so things seem less....I don't even know how to describe it all.

I pulled up this thread to see how long it had been since I posted, and what version of the story I was telling at the time. I am going to just rip off the bandaid and tell you guys what's really going on. Please don't read this like, "Poor me, wah wah," because I hate feeling like that. I get through all this stuff because I laugh at it, and I hope you can find humor in it too. At the very least, don't feel like I'm dropping a burden at your feet to deal with. I'm not sharing this to change the structure of my relationship with anyone, just to explain why I've been gone.

I didn't lie earlier, I just omitted vast sh¡tloads of the situation. Because, the story is pretty grim and because I have always been the person who helps people when the bottom drops out, and I can't stand not only *not being useful in any fashion,* but being in need myself.

So, I'm sharing because I think dropping out of sight is an a$$hole move and I hate being that guy, and also so no one worries that things are actually worse than they are, or that anyone around here did something to make me take my ball and go home.

Straight up front I will tell you that I am not dying. Nor am I suicidal. Although there are plenty of days that I do not want to "do today," nor do I want to be me any more. All of the proper doctors are aware of this, and we're working on medication, so no worries there.

The reason why every day seems so d@mn impossible, and why I don't want to live in this skin any more is that I hurt. All the time. A lot. I'm sure I'm mentioned over the years my chronic pain issues, migraines, fibromyalgia etc. I don't talk about them much because, again, I'm sick of being me, I don't want everyone to get sick of hearing about me, kwim?

This last few months has produced a precipitous decline in my ability to function on a day to day basis. The docs don't know why. At first there was concern that there were actual brain changes going on, MS or something similar, but I had a CAT scan recently and everything looks good. We're changing up medications, trying new schedules, adding in alternative medical treatments, exercise, dietary changes....no dice.

We even made major jumps in my strength/dosage of painkillers, which is a whole scary freaking issue on its own. We've backed down to "slow and steady wins the race levels," because every bump in dosage only works until my body becomes tolerant. I'm 45 years old, and with no expected cure in sight. If I take enough pain medication to actually kill the pain today, then change the dose every time I needed to, I will be 80 years old trying to get my grandkids to sneak some black tar heroin into the nursing home because ain't no way the doctors will be comfortable with the dosage I'd be used to at that point. I'll be the one in the corner, shrieking and pissing herself, asking every 35 seconds "Is it 3 o'clock yet? Are you sure? Check again! Meds come at three.... Is it 3 o'clock yet?"

So, there's that.

I'm still heartbroken about church. And I don't think I'll ever get over losing Alysia, but I don't think I'm meant to. I think we just learn to drive around the giant holes left in our hearts when we lose someone that big in our lives.

Between the pain issues, and losing the feeling of being a proud and productive member of my household and society, there is some depression going on. I think that's unavoidable. Pain takes so much of your life energy away, on a good day I wake up with maybe 10% of the "oomph" I used to have. If I've overdone it the day before (like brazenly taking a shower AND leaving the house for some reason) I can count on even more pain and less energy for the next day or two.

**This is the hard part to talk about, because I feel ashamed about it and so d@mn angry.**

There are a lot of days that I don't even manage to get out of bed. Or, I'm up for an hour or two. Or I think I'm okay so I pop in the shower since it may have been a few days, and partway through shampooing my hair my muscles and joints start to grind and I know when I get out I'll be going right back to bed.

I can't even believe that. I hate to see that typed out. For Gourd's sake, don't say anything to my parents if you run into them somewhere. I love them to pieces but I don't need the extra "help."

So, that's what's up. My husband and Janet set up a weekend trip to Vegas for Janet and I in February, totally low-key, all contained in the same hotel. No dealing with driving around, hiking the Strip, carrying stuff in and out. Just elevators and room service. And I'm scared to death, because as great as it sounds, I know I'll be wrecked by the time we get there.

In fact, here's a good example of how my stupid body works... I got really excited when I learned about the trip! And that excitement (not dancing around, but definitely hyper-ventilating and a little screamy) sent me into a flare. Not quite rigor mortis, but when the day comes I bet it will feel pretty familiar.

Picture telling the Tin Man that the Wizard could give him a heart - then having to get the oil can out and having to start all over because he locked up again out of joy at the news. And then finding out he wasn't rusted up when you found him because he'd been in the wind and rain for years, but because that's just how he is. How much oil do you have? I think you'll probably just need to bring the heart back to him, he's not going to make it any appreciable distance toward the Emerald City. In fact, he may want to skip asking for a heart and just find out if the Wizard can rebuild him out of something completely different.

So, as I said, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. My kids hang out in bed with me some days just to get Mom time.

I don't need any pity, and I don't expect you guys to have any answers. I just feel like a complete turd letting everyone worry. And really, things sound bad but it's just a matter of sorting out my "new normal" while my docs hopefully come up with new stuff to try.

Thanks for listening, and for keeping the light on for me. As always, I love you guys!

Wow - take care of yourself - you have a lot "on your plate" ((((hipmamajen))))

 

[Neesy]

what do you mean? I have a cooch, I have the power.

oh my

 

[not_nadine]

you and Scott and deej on a roll

Will they have this sandwich on the Island?

It might be ok with pickles.

 

[HollyGolightly]

You're going to need security in this utopia. Can I go ahead and put in resume?

Excellent idea! You get a

Spoiler

for all your hard work. It's a tough job.

Will they have this sandwich on the Island?

It might be ok with pickles.

You so crazy, girl.

 

[kingricefan]

you and Scott and deej on a roll always makes my tears roll down my legs! Y'all would be great pub crawling buddies. Come visit!

You buying the drinks?

 

[kingricefan]

you and Scott and deej on a roll always makes my tears roll down my legs! Y'all would be great pub crawling buddies. Come visit!

Honey, them ain't tears! Get yourself some Depends!!

 

[kingricefan]

Will they have this sandwich on the Island?

It might be ok with pickles.

Comes with lettuce, pickles or relish, BBQ sauce, lite mayo, a smidge of mustard, all on a toasted bun.

 

[ghost19]

Excellent idea! You get a

Spoiler

for all your hard work. It's a tough job.

Oh good lord, I'll take her in lieu of salary...lol, sigh........

 

[hipmamajen]

((((((Jen))))))

(((((((mstay)))))

Lovely, lovely Jen. Oh my. I'm wiping away tears as I type this. But, they're good tears- knowing that you are still amongst us gives me joy. I am so very sorry that this physical ailment(s) has gotten you, but it's not gotten the BEST of you!! You're heart light shines thru for us all to see and what a glow it has!!! I wish, Wish WISH there was something that I could do to take away your pain and give you back a normal (crap, what's normal anyway???) life so you could get on with enjoying things again. Have patience, okay? It does take time (and a h*ll of a lot of energy) to make it thru things like this Please know that we are all here for you!! We haven't and never will forget you and we do worry, but it's a good worry, get it? You've been so greatly missed here. Always know that you are LOVED!!!! ((((((Jen))))))

Thank you. Just knowing that people here REMEMBER me means a lot!

Oh Jen - horribleness! I'm so sorry you've got such to deal with. I don't know you well, but you are such fun when you're here. I'm a very boring facebooker but I might have to send you a request. I love a good facebook ruse. I have a friend with a disastrous life but like you, she keeps up her facebook so as not to worry her sister into town. I get you - I'd jump out a window if my mom threatened to help me. The SKMB is a good hiding place to be real. It got me through a dreadful time. Much love, healing and peace to you.

Don't jump out a window, come to my house! Smooch!

Out of Order and GNTLGNT
((((you guys!!!!)))) Is anyone ever going to fund that SKMB island where we all live off the land and love and just hang out and grow vegetables and drink beer and grill pork (and vegetables for morgan) and read for a living? I'm thinking bungalows accessible by swinging bridges. It'd be great. If I ever win the lottery I'll do this for all of us.

I'm in! I just need a ground level but with a nearby privy. Preferably along the pathway so I get to see everyone coming and going, because I'm a busybody that way...

As long as it doesn't turn into something like Lord Of The Flies.......

When I was a kid, I thought that book was "Lord of the Files." My mom worked pick up jobs at a bunch of offices around town (we had an early Apple, so she did word processing and printing when everyone else was still typing) so we had a lot of filing going on.

I didn't understand what the pig's head on the cover had to do with filing. Or where you would put it. Under "P" for "Pig," Or "H" for "Head, pig?" So complicated...

For me it would be, Good Lord, The Flies!

Maybe tropical isn't such a good plan. Can we find a nice island that isn't too humid? Warm is okay, but we should look for more of a dry heat maybe. Plus, that Zika stuff is best avoided...

Y'all! Good Lord, The Flies!! You kill me!

Is that pronounced conch, with a ch like ch-ch-ch-changes? Or conch with a k on the end, like "I will conch you in the head, so help me!"

what do you mean? I have a cooch, I have the power.

Is that all it takes? Honey, that doesn't eliminate too many people.... Unless "cooch" doesn't mean what I think it does? Maybe someone could show me theirs, or draw a diagram?

You do indeed, sisterwife! You got all the power!

Wait, Dana Jean has one and Holly doesn't? Now I'm definitely confused. About either what a cooch is, or what Holly has going on downstairs...

And here I was, believing FB Jen like a big dope (FB Autumn is such an ********, when I certainly know better). I'm sorry. Chronic pain sucks, and the black dog nipping at your heels is the icing on the cake. I have mad (but careful) hugs for you (and cake, if you'd like )
View attachment 15336 View attachment 15337

You're not a ********, unless that stands for "wonderfully kind and loving person." I really don't say much about my sh¡t on FB at all. A little here and there, just because I can't always help it, but I keep the major stuff zipped up.

I love being your FB friend, you're so cool there! I don't see you as much, I hate the new algorithm, it's messing with who I keep up with easily!

Just tell me when and where. I'm tired of everything.

View attachment 15338 View attachment 15339

Amen, sister. Testify!

SULLY!!!! SULLY!!!! SULLY!!!! SULLY!!!!

I believe I have missed an inside joke here. Should I be taking cover?

No sully! No! It all had a smooth transition.


The Jen bone's connected to the, SK bone,
the SK bone's connected to the, Fly bone,
the fly bone's connected to the cooch bone
Now hear the word of ka tet.....

This actually made me tear up a little. Both because I'm moved, and because I'm laughing pretty hard...

...thank you for that, and I love you...you need to realize I care deeply...no worries, Grandpa is helping as he can...again remember there's much love here and I will help you anyway I can...

Big ups to Grandpa!

I love you too, Scott. No exaggeration, you're 15 feet of awesome squashed into an 8 ft. package. (((((Scott)))))

....I just swallowed my tongue.....

....and what a creative way to work "bone" and "cooch" into the same sentence....

And tongue!

Perfect! Very smooth.

You guys are a whole new breed of crazy. I think we may need to get a multidiscipline team of experts involved just to create a name for what's going on in here.

TWSS!!!!!

Ba dump bum >tshhhhh<

you and Scott and deej on a roll always makes my tears roll down my legs! Y'all would be great pub crawling buddies. Come visit!

Tears roll down your legs? Now I'm DEFINITELY confused about your plumbing...

;-)

You're going to need security in this utopia. Can I go ahead and put in resume?

You're very brave.

Wow - take care of yourself - you have a lot "on your plate" ((((hipmamajen))))

Thank you, Neesy. (((((Neesy)))))

oh my

My thoughts exactly.

Will they have this sandwich on the Island?

It might be ok with pickles.

Hey, Nottie! I've been thinking about you. Smooch!

Excellent idea! You get a

Spoiler

for all your hard work. It's a tough job.

You so crazy, girl.

Be sure to add enough postage, you don't want that getting shuffled around the USPS any longer than necessary. Poor thing will shrivel right up!

You buying the drinks?

We'll be on the island. Drinks are FREEEEEE!!!!

Honey, them ain't tears! Get yourself some Depends!!

Buy them in bulk, we might all need them!

Comes with lettuce, pickles or relish, BBQ sauce, lite mayo, a smidge of mustard, all on a toasted bun.

That sounds good, actually. Do you deliver?

Oh good lord, I'll take her in lieu of salary...lol, sigh........

I'm not certain, but I think there was some sort of kerfuffle in the 1860s that made it illegal for humans to be used as currency. I'd have to look it up to be sure....



Thanks everyone, you've kept me rolling for a few days reading all this! I need to check in here more, you all are good for me.