Hipmamajen? Who's that?

[do1you9love?]

(((Hipmama))) Wishing you inner peace and pain free moments.

 

[Out of Order]

Can relate somewhat, Hipmama. I've never been this down about work in all my life, but there are days I just dread the thought of getting out of bed. Not a pain issue at all but definitely something I've never had to deal with before. Thank God for the kids. Even though they're grown I still find ways to interact with them. Through baseball and soon helping my daughter coach softball. Gets me through the day as do a lot of the folks here, to be honest. All the best to you.

 

[GNTLGNT]

Can relate somewhat, Hipmama. I've never been this down about work in all my life, but there are days I just dread the thought of getting out of bed. Not a pain issue at all but definitely something I've never had to deal with before. Thank God for the kids. Even though they're grown I still find ways to interact with them. Through baseball and soon helping my daughter coach softball. Gets me through the day as do a lot of the folks here, to be honest. All the best to you.

....I'm there with you about work....I physically have to push myself out the door anymore.....can't stand it-but no other place will pay as well, so I'm stuck till retirement....8 more years in hell....

 

[Out of Order]

....I'm there with you about work....I physically have to push myself out the door anymore.....can't stand it-but no other place will pay as well, so I'm stuck till retirement....8 more years in hell....

Exactly right.

I also should mention my dog keeps me going to. I probably wouldn't get out of bed if he wasn't insistent about morning walkies.........

Oh........... and my wife's foot in my back is a great motivator as well........

 

[GNTLGNT]

Exactly right.

I also should mention my dog keeps me going to. I probably wouldn't get out of bed if he wasn't insistent about morning walkies.........

Oh........... and my wife's foot in my back is a great motivator as well........

...the cat stands on my head when the alarm sounds......damn Pavlov anyway!.....

 

[hipmamajen]

Thanks to everyone. I was kind of afraid to jump back in here today to read the responses. Not because I thought anyone would be unkind, because I know you all better than that! Rather because I hate being vulnerable in any way, and showing it makes it a million times worse, and I pretty much rolled over in here and exposed my belly. Which was never a beautiful belly to start with ;-) and now it's just sort of whiney and useless.

So that you for taking my message as it was meant. Except I think Scott took some guilt from it, but I have more words for him farther down the page. All love to Scott!

Oh, Sister, I feel you. I have those days, too. Days when it doesn't even feel like I want to touch the damn floor. So, yeah, you are not alone, if that helps at all.

Thanks for checking in and please feel free to send me a Friend request on Facebook. Misery loves company, sayin'?

I don't know your full name, but you (or anyone!) can find me at Jen Lindner-Green. I'm on there most days.

I'm so sorry you're having this experience. (((((Tery))))) Sending love.

Jen, you will be held in the deepest of prayers and positive vibes. Guidance to the docs to find the correct meds. Inner peace vibes for you to deal with daily life. Candle is lit. Sending you love and green lights. Know you are missed and care about by the Tet. (((Jen)))

Thank you, Spidey. I appreciate your prayers and thoughts. <3 And especially your green lights! They always make me think of you.

Always held close, Jen.

That means more than you could ever know. <3

I don't want to start any drama, but may I ask if you've considered medical cannabis? If you're not comfortable with the topic just say the word and I'll zip my lips; but if you're open to the idea, I've heard some amazing stories.

Beyond that, it is so good to "hear your voice"! We've missed you. But we aren't going anywhere as long as this site is up, so do what you must to keep your sanity and your strength. Come back to us when you feel ready. We'll be here.

Actually, I'm seriously considering it. I live in Colorado so I don't need a special card or anything, but I want to talk to my rheumatologist about it. I have a "medication contract" with her, and I don't know if just starting that up would violate my contract or not.

The cool thing about living here where it's totally legal is that there are lots of options readily available, and I have learned recently that you can get cannabis without whatever in it that makes you feel high. That was one of my major concerns before. Being out of pain is an amazingly tempting idea, but not if I spend my time behaving like I'm in the parking lot of a Dead Show....

You will always be one of us. Doesn't matter if you're gone awhile while sorting out your life. You will of course be missed but no reason to feel bad over that. Be safe, take care and feel better soon. And when you're ready we will be here with open arms to welcome you back.

Thank you, I really needed to hear that. (((((Kurben)))))

Jen just know we miss you. Hugs

I miss you too, KFF! Thank you.

Something can be done for you, I'm sure. Healing vibes sent your way.

Thank you, Pegasus, I know they will help.

(((Jen)))

(((((cowboy)))))

((Jen))) I understand completely.

This made me cry. I know you do. And I know you know how many people don't. I love you to bits and pieces and then back together again!

(((Hipmama))) Wishing you inner peace and pain free moments.

Thank you, that's beautiful.

Can relate somewhat, Hipmama. I've never been this down about work in all my life, but there are days I just dread the thought of getting out of bed. Not a pain issue at all but definitely something I've never had to deal with before. Thank God for the kids. Even though they're grown I still find ways to interact with them. Through baseball and soon helping my daughter coach softball. Gets me through the day as do a lot of the folks here, to be honest. All the best to you.

(((((OoO))))) Bless you, and bless your heart. I'm sorry life is laying harder on you than it should.

 

[hipmamajen]

...well now don't I look like a dumba**, thinking she took a powder on us, or I did something to make her angry....Jen, if there is ANYTHING-you let me know, and I also feel like a sh*t because I layed work on you to help me with the Kon, not knowing your backstory....I knew not the scope-and I apologize for any ignorance on my part.....prayers of all sorts and an abundance of love.....

I'm so sorry, please don't feel bad in any way. I dropped the ball, hard. And I didn't explain why to anyone when I did.

When I offered to help, I wasn't in this mess. I mean, I was, but it wasn't nearly this bad. I didn't have any reason to think I'd fall off the tracks partway through. So, I did start with all thoughts of being helpful. I wanted you to know that. I'm not normally a flake, and I hate that I've turned into this person. Hate this!

So, please, you didn't do anything or say anything to make me disappear. You are awesome, and have been nothing but kind and understanding this whole time about dealing with my quirks and the way I manage things (in the best of times!)

I owe you a giant apology. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you thought I was angry or upset, although I totally should have. I'm sorry for making you worry, and I'm sorry for flaking out and for the radio silence. I'm sorry for the work you've no doubt picked up in my absence, and for any that is upcoming because I'm pretty sure I am not going to be dependable for that either. I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away when things started getting weird on my end, because I know that the communication would have saved a lot of headache and heartache on your end.

Thank you for the patience and kindness you've shown this whole time, and for being the gracious man that you are. I wish I had better words to express myself, but I hope that I've been able to share the basics with you here.

Thank you, it's not your fault, I'm so sorry.

 

[mstay]

((((((Jen))))))

 

[kingricefan]

Lovely, lovely Jen. Oh my. I'm wiping away tears as I type this. But, they're good tears- knowing that you are still amongst us gives me joy. I am so very sorry that this physical ailment(s) has gotten you, but it's not gotten the BEST of you!! You're heart light shines thru for us all to see and what a glow it has!!! I wish, Wish WISH there was something that I could do to take away your pain and give you back a normal (crap, what's normal anyway???) life so you could get on with enjoying things again. Have patience, okay? It does take time (and a h*ll of a lot of energy) to make it thru things like this Please know that we are all here for you!! We haven't and never will forget you and we do worry, but it's a good worry, get it? You've been so greatly missed here. Always know that you are LOVED!!!! ((((((Jen))))))

 

[HollyGolightly]

Oh Jen - horribleness! I'm so sorry you've got such to deal with. I don't know you well, but you are such fun when you're here. I'm a very boring facebooker but I might have to send you a request. I love a good facebook ruse. I have a friend with a disastrous life but like you, she keeps up her facebook so as not to worry her sister into town. I get you - I'd jump out a window if my mom threatened to help me. The SKMB is a good hiding place to be real. It got me through a dreadful time. Much love, healing and peace to you.

 

[HollyGolightly]

Out of Order and GNTLGNT
((((you guys!!!!)))) Is anyone ever going to fund that SKMB island where we all live off the land and love and just hang out and grow vegetables and drink beer and grill pork (and vegetables for morgan) and read for a living? I'm thinking bungalows accessible by swinging bridges. It'd be great. If I ever win the lottery I'll do this for all of us.

 

[kingricefan]

Out of Order and GNTLGNT
((((you guys!!!!)))) Is anyone ever going to fund that SKMB island where we all live off the land and love and just hang out and grow vegetables and drink beer and grill pork (and vegetables for morgan) and read for a living? I'm thinking bungalows accessible by swinging bridges. It'd be great. If I ever win the lottery I'll do this for all of us.

As long as it doesn't turn into something like Lord Of The Flies.......

 

[Dana Jean]

As long as it doesn't turn into something like Lord Of The Flies.......

For me it would be, Good Lord, The Flies!

 

[HollyGolightly]

As long as it doesn't turn into something like Lord Of The Flies.......

For me it would be, Good Lord, The Flies!

Y'all! Good Lord, The Flies!! You kill me!

 

[Dana Jean]

Y'all! Good Lord, The Flies!! You kill me!

what do you mean? I have a cooch, I have the power.

 

[HollyGolightly]

what do you mean? I have a cooch, I have the power.

You do indeed, sisterwife! You got all the power!

 

[skimom2]

Hey guys! Two days in a row I got messaged on Facebook by SKMB people, and I thought that must mean something..... Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts!

The last time I spoke to GNTLGNT, I told him, "I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone." Well, except Facebook where I pretend like things are pretty decent so my family doesn't catch on. Facebook Jen is my secret alter-ego, she doesn't go places any more than I do, but she puts on makeup sometimes and posts photos so things seem less....I don't even know how to describe it all.

I pulled up this thread to see how long it had been since I posted, and what version of the story I was telling at the time. I am going to just rip off the bandaid and tell you guys what's really going on. Please don't read this like, "Poor me, wah wah," because I hate feeling like that. I get through all this stuff because I laugh at it, and I hope you can find humor in it too. At the very least, don't feel like I'm dropping a burden at your feet to deal with. I'm not sharing this to change the structure of my relationship with anyone, just to explain why I've been gone.

I didn't lie earlier, I just omitted vast sh¡tloads of the situation. Because, the story is pretty grim and because I have always been the person who helps people when the bottom drops out, and I can't stand not only *not being useful in any fashion,* but being in need myself.

So, I'm sharing because I think dropping out of sight is an a$$hole move and I hate being that guy, and also so no one worries that things are actually worse than they are, or that anyone around here did something to make me take my ball and go home.

Straight up front I will tell you that I am not dying. Nor am I suicidal. Although there are plenty of days that I do not want to "do today," nor do I want to be me any more. All of the proper doctors are aware of this, and we're working on medication, so no worries there.

The reason why every day seems so d@mn impossible, and why I don't want to live in this skin any more is that I hurt. All the time. A lot. I'm sure I'm mentioned over the years my chronic pain issues, migraines, fibromyalgia etc. I don't talk about them much because, again, I'm sick of being me, I don't want everyone to get sick of hearing about me, kwim?

This last few months has produced a precipitous decline in my ability to function on a day to day basis. The docs don't know why. At first there was concern that there were actual brain changes going on, MS or something similar, but I had a CAT scan recently and everything looks good. We're changing up medications, trying new schedules, adding in alternative medical treatments, exercise, dietary changes....no dice.

We even made major jumps in my strength/dosage of painkillers, which is a whole scary freaking issue on its own. We've backed down to "slow and steady wins the race levels," because every bump in dosage only works until my body becomes tolerant. I'm 45 years old, and with no expected cure in sight. If I take enough pain medication to actually kill the pain today, then change the dose every time I needed to, I will be 80 years old trying to get my grandkids to sneak some black tar heroin into the nursing home because ain't no way the doctors will be comfortable with the dosage I'd be used to at that point. I'll be the one in the corner, shrieking and pissing herself, asking every 35 seconds "Is it 3 o'clock yet? Are you sure? Check again! Meds come at three.... Is it 3 o'clock yet?"

So, there's that.

I'm still heartbroken about church. And I don't think I'll ever get over losing Alysia, but I don't think I'm meant to. I think we just learn to drive around the giant holes left in our hearts when we lose someone that big in our lives.

Between the pain issues, and losing the feeling of being a proud and productive member of my household and society, there is some depression going on. I think that's unavoidable. Pain takes so much of your life energy away, on a good day I wake up with maybe 10% of the "oomph" I used to have. If I've overdone it the day before (like brazenly taking a shower AND leaving the house for some reason) I can count on even more pain and less energy for the next day or two.

**This is the hard part to talk about, because I feel ashamed about it and so d@mn angry.**

There are a lot of days that I don't even manage to get out of bed. Or, I'm up for an hour or two. Or I think I'm okay so I pop in the shower since it may have been a few days, and partway through shampooing my hair my muscles and joints start to grind and I know when I get out I'll be going right back to bed.

I can't even believe that. I hate to see that typed out. For Gourd's sake, don't say anything to my parents if you run into them somewhere. I love them to pieces but I don't need the extra "help."

So, that's what's up. My husband and Janet set up a weekend trip to Vegas for Janet and I in February, totally low-key, all contained in the same hotel. No dealing with driving around, hiking the Strip, carrying stuff in and out. Just elevators and room service. And I'm scared to death, because as great as it sounds, I know I'll be wrecked by the time we get there.

In fact, here's a good example of how my stupid body works... I got really excited when I learned about the trip! And that excitement (not dancing around, but definitely hyper-ventilating and a little screamy) sent me into a flare. Not quite rigor mortis, but when the day comes I bet it will feel pretty familiar.

Picture telling the Tin Man that the Wizard could give him a heart - then having to get the oil can out and having to start all over because he locked up again out of joy at the news. And then finding out he wasn't rusted up when you found him because he'd been in the wind and rain for years, but because that's just how he is. How much oil do you have? I think you'll probably just need to bring the heart back to him, he's not going to make it any appreciable distance toward the Emerald City. In fact, he may want to skip asking for a heart and just find out if the Wizard can rebuild him out of something completely different.

So, as I said, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. My kids hang out in bed with me some days just to get Mom time.

I don't need any pity, and I don't expect you guys to have any answers. I just feel like a complete turd letting everyone worry. And really, things sound bad but it's just a matter of sorting out my "new normal" while my docs hopefully come up with new stuff to try.

Thanks for listening, and for keeping the light on for me. As always, I love you guys!

And here I was, believing FB Jen like a big dope (FB Autumn is such an ********, when I certainly know better). I'm sorry. Chronic pain sucks, and the black dog nipping at your heels is the icing on the cake. I have mad (but careful) hugs for you (and cake, if you'd like )

 

[skimom2]

Out of Order and GNTLGNT
((((you guys!!!!)))) Is anyone ever going to fund that SKMB island where we all live off the land and love and just hang out and grow vegetables and drink beer and grill pork (and vegetables for morgan) and read for a living? I'm thinking bungalows accessible by swinging bridges. It'd be great. If I ever win the lottery I'll do this for all of us.

Just tell me when and where. I'm tired of everything.

 

[kingricefan]

what do you mean? I have a cooch, I have the power.

SULLY!!!! SULLY!!!! SULLY!!!! SULLY!!!!

 

[Dana Jean]

No sully! No! It all had a smooth transition.


The Jen bone's connected to the, SK bone,
the SK bone's connected to the, Fly bone,
the fly bone's connected to the cooch bone
Now hear the word of ka tet.....